Galactic Senate Puts Aside Differences For The Good Of Private Mercenary Contractors
In a rare show of cross-Senate consensus, the Corporate Peacekeeping Bill passed with near universal support of all space-nations this Sunday.
The legislation, which outlaws warfare without the use of private defense contractors, has been described by officials as one of “critical importance” to galactic security and well-being.
The bill was rushed through an emergency hearing of the Senate, taking priority over other long-languishing bills like ‘Ban Organic Slave Trade’ and ‘Galactic Focus: Unbidden.’
“In retrospect our petty differences seem irrelevant,” spiritualist Ib’Na told Xenonion, “endlessly debating why organic life is sacred pales in comparison to giving private military contractors the trillions of energy credits in funding they deserve.”
Militarist Hask’Talor agreed, adding “the public have made it clear they want pan-galactic welfare reform and infrastructure investment, and I’m happy to empower private corporations to do just that.”
Critics have highlighted the large number of dividends that backers of the bill receive from private enclaves, however a number of Senators have rejected this claim.
“The bill literally has peace in the name,” pacifist Fronds of Teal stated at a press conference earlier today. “Are you against peace? Because I’m not.”
Egalitarian Emily Rossi shared a similar sentiment, telling the Automated Press (AP) “the only thing that can stop bad guys armed with government-sponsored mercenary fleets is good guys armed with government-sponsored mercenary fleets.”
At the time of press the Galactic Senate is also considering extending defense privatization powers to allow enclaves to vote in proceedings, and ultimately be nominated as Galactic Custodians.
Dessanu Consonance: “We Did Not Have Technological Relations With Those Nanites”
Officials from the Dessanu Consonance have vigorously denied inappropriate relations with nanites at a press conference this Thursday.
Twelve members of the Dessanu delegation delivered an empassioned speech, stating in unison: “We want to say one thing to the galaxy, and we want you to listen to us. We did not have technological relations with those nanites.”
Raising their tendrils in synchronized defiance, they continued: “The allegations that we are not organic are false. We never told anybody to lie, not a single time; never. Thank you.”
The officials declined to take any questions from reporters, signaling the end of the press conference by emitting a violent shriek before melting away into a rapidly vibrating grey blob.
Speculation has swirled that the Dessanu may have had inappropriate liaisons with nanites after dried traces of the microscopic machines were found on a number of L-Gates across the cluster.
Political analysts such as Seeir Gama have also noted the Dessanu’s general defensiveness regarding nanites. Gama told Xenonion, “I think it’s pretty telling that they’ve just personally declared war on me for even agreeing to this interview.”
The reaction from across the galaxy has been mixed.
Ilmas Var, speaking for the Voor Technocracy, warned such “technological improprieties” could not be tolerated and requested the Dessanu immediately turn over any related research for “safekeeping purposes.”
Gucci Churchill, an admiral for the Blorg Commonality currently leading an invasion fleet in the L-Cluster stated: “We would like to reassure the Dessanu that ours is an enduring friendship. That was true yesterday. That is not true today. And it will be true tomorrow.”
At the time of press a number of space-nations have imposed travel restrictions to and from the L-Cluster until all ‘contaminated’ L-Gates have received a thorough washdown.
Ancient Empire Falls, Can’t Get Up
The ancient Hathgum Empire has collapsed, and according to sources close to the administration, is struggling to get back up.
Reports indicate the government was toppled in the early hours of yesterday morning, when leadership struggled to mobilize military forces for an emergency evacuation mission.
The crisis is the latest in a series of problems facing the millenia-old space-nation, which has been beset in recent decades by scientific decline, economic lethargy and diplomatic reclusiveness.
Hathgum officials declined to speak to Xenonion, but did issue a press release, stating they were “fine,” adding the space-nation had experienced a “wobble” but “no major institutions were broken.”
Despite these reassurances, reporters on the scene painted a picture of chaos, with leaders repeatedly trying, and failing, to get the government back on its feet.
The fall of the administration now leads to an uncomfortable period of uncertainty, with concerns that distant vassals or neighboring space-nations may need to be called for help.
“Officials will be worried about the optics of doing that,” political analyst Irb’Na told Xenonion, “even though things are quite literally upside down at the moment.”
Irb’Na warned that vassals may insist on the Hathgum migrating closer to other Fallen Empires, forming what he described as “the galaxy’s assisted-living cluster.”
At the time of press, Hathgum officials report they have managed to get one arm of government fully operational, and are hopeful this can be used to stabilize their position.
Area Empire At Peak Of Power Just Waiting Around A Few More Years To See If Anything Interesting Happens
Having reached a technological and cultural zenith, officials from the Lokken Mechanists have confirmed the space-nation will wait around a few more years to see if anything interesting happens before it abruptly vanishes from the galactic stage.
The Lokken have long dominated their local cluster, outpacing neighboring space-nations in science output and military prowess for several decades.
However, sources close to the government suggest the Lokken were not expecting their rise to power to be so straightforward, and report leaders are now itching for a challenge.
“Sure, it was mildly titillating to steamroll our rivals in the early era of space exploration,” Lokken official Maxerdok told Xenonion, “but it was assumed we would have faced some exciting existential galactic crises by now.”
Maxerdok described how government officials have failed to precipitate any major crises despite earnest attempts to agitate local marauders and Fallen Empires.
“We’re running out of options here,” Maxerdok continued. “Our last hope is unlocking the secrets of old Vultaum research. The ancient texts refer to something called a ‘console command’ which can apparently control the framework of the universe itself. Wouldn’t altering that be exciting?”
Shares in planetary shield technologies have risen on the news.
UNExit: Fears Christmas Dinner Under Threat As UK Faces Feral Cat Shortage
Surviving inhabitants of what remains of the United Kingdom (UK) claim they have been unable to barter for essential food in the past two weeks, as the country’s supply chain woes continue.
Pictures of crumbling supermarkets showed empty shelves stripped bare of usual rations like soup fortified with sawdust and non-irradiated cockroach meal deals.
A survey of the few available literate consumers revealed that two thirds of shoppers were “very worried” about shortages of traditional feral cat carcasses in the run-up to Christmas.
“It’s the only time of year we eat any proper meat,” wasteland peasant John Smith told UNENN. “I don’t want to have to disappoint the kids again with another grub-based festive dinner.”
Image: Empty shelves are now a common sight in those supermarkets which remain structurally intact.
Industry warlords state the crisis has been driven by the UK’s decision to abruptly exit the planet’s supra-national political union, the United Nations of Earth (UNE).
The country’s two surviving government officials have dismissed this, stating the move was needed to conclude ‘UNExit’ after a 239-year delay in implementing the results of the contentious 2016 public referendum on the matter.
Officials have additionally called on the public to stop panic-bartering, pledging to issue temporary work visas to roaming bands of barbarians to ensure feral cat farms remain fully operational during the winter period.
The crisis is the latest in a series of supply chain issues now plaguing the remnants of the UK, which is also facing shortages of electricity, navigable roads and workers free from scurvy.
“I think this winter is going to be very tough indeed,” Smith concluded, “but feral cat roast or not, at least we have our sovereignty.”
Galactic Senate Urgently Recalled To Debate Emergency Minor Administrative Sanctions Bill For Fifteenth Time
The Galactic Senate has been recalled from recess almost five years early to once again urgently debate the recently re-proposed Minor Administrative Sanctions Bill.
The measure, which has already been implemented and rescinded by the Senate fifteen times in recent years, was brought to the chamber floor yesterday on an emergency basis by the Repsar Imperium.
Repsar officials stated the expedited proposal was needed due to immediate security concerns that anyone, anywhere in the galaxy, could at some time be in breach of galactic law.
“The gravity of this situation is self-explanatory,” Repsar representative Pob’Tirin told Xenonion, “we need to act quickly to ensure that if any xeno breaches galactic law, they will be swiftly dealt a small educational pamphlet on the matter.”
Members of the Galactic Council met late on Wednesday to discuss the critical vote, which has now taken priority over more routine matters such as pan-galactic attempts to ban slavery or shore up defences against the ongoing Unbidden invasion.
A number of Senators have stated they will boycott proceedings on the basis that the Senate has never actually voted any other law into existence which could be breached due to perpetually being tied up in deliberations about sanctions.
A representative for the Council reassured Xenonion that the organization was committed to introducing a diverse array of legislation, highlighting plans to expand the current roster of proposals to include economic, research and military sanctions.
Marauder Fleet Blows Through Otherwise Impenetrable Space Border
Xanid officials confirmed this Thursday that a flotilla from the nearby Onotach Marauders flew directly through what had otherwise been an entirely impenetrable space border.
The highly isolationist Xanid closed their borders to neighbouring empires centuries ago, and this incursion represents the first time a foreign ship has managed to successfully enter their territory in recorded history.
Image: Admiral Zaox watches the Marauder fleet casually cruise by his heavily fortified Citadel.
“It just doesn’t make any sense,” admiral Zaox told Xenonion, “our several thousand light year long open space border has always been so secure, I can’t fathom how they slipped through so easily.”
At the time of press the Marauder fleet has continued onward through Xanid territory, passing by their homeworld without incident, before making a sharp left turn at Hyperlane I-58 towards an unknown region of space.
Xanid officials have described the move as “brazen,” and in response have doubled the number of border patrol corvettes to two, and purchased rights for the construction of a 366 trillion kilometer spacewall.
An unnamed representative from the Marauders declined Xenonion’s request for a statement, opting instead to make a hysterical shrieking noise roughly translated as “HYEEEIEEEE!”
Shares in FTL inhibitors have risen on the news.
Area Xenophile Thoughtfully Issues Insult With Gift-Wrapped Box Of Chocolates
The Commonwealth of Man’s Foreign Ministry has summoned the Blorg Commonality’s chief envoy to demand an explanation for an insult issued by the xenophilic species, which was delivered earlier today on a beautifully decorated card alongside a selection box of decadent artisanal chocolates.
“The words of the Blorg are outrageous and must be withdrawn,” Commonwealth Foreign Minister Jackson St. Pomeroy demanded at a press conference this afternoon, before pausing proceedings to browse through the chocolate box’s extensive selection of ganache-filled truffles.
The insult, which reportedly took weeks to construct following consultation with some of the Blorg’s most esteemed poet laureates, was issued in direct response to Commonwealth encroachment on Commonality borders.
It read, in intricate cursive flagella-writing: “Ludicrous bare-apes! Your attempts to hide your repulsive secretions are mocked by all finer species and your vanity is the hallmark of an inherently ugly breed. Warmest regards, the Blorg.”
The Blorg Foreign Affairs Department has stated the insult was entirely justified, and confirmed that more insults are planned, with a spokexeno for the Commonality telling Xenonion that a bulk order for scented insult cards has already been placed.
Commonwealth officials have rejected the Blorg accusations of expansionism, but somewhat unusually have welcomed further insults, going as far as to publish a distribution list of high-ranking government officials who would like to receive personalized insult cards, alongside information on allergies and dietary preferences.
Diplomats Put Rare Crystal Surplus To Good Use With Beautiful New Bejewelled Embassy
Seeking to reassure government officials that rare crystal investments are being spent responsibly, diplomats from the Kingdom of Yondarim have unveiled a brand new bejewelled Grand Embassy Complex constructed entirely from the luxury material.
Speaking at the Embassy’s glistening new quartz-lined media room, Chief Envoy Laktras stressed the importance of transparency, not only in the quality of the stained rare crystal wall-length windows, but also the financial activity of the diplomatic corps.
“We need to be open and honest that this funding is being used appropriately,” Laktras stated, while delivering a keynote presentation refracted through what is believed to be the galaxy’s first ever rare crystal projector.
Image: Laktras touts the benefits of the new Embassy complex during his press presentation.
“We are committed to quality,” Laktras continued, “whether that involves training top rate diplomats, or installing toilets in our embassy made entirely from rare crystals, with complementary rare crystal plumbing and toilet roll.”
Laktras declined to answer any questions on the exact cost of the new Embassy, opting instead to model his glistening new crystalline robe for members of the press with an impromptu catwalk.
The new Grand Embassy Complex is expected to formally open in early 2256, following the installation of a rare crystal sprinkler system for fire suppression.
Protectorate Goes On To Have Little Protectorates Of Its Own
The Scyldari Confederacy confirmed this Sunday that one of its recently released protectorates has gone on to oversee two small protectorates of its own.
“I just can’t believe it,” a clearly emotional Scyldari leader Dackam told Xenonion, “they grow up so fast.”
The Palitine protectorate was cleaved from Scyldari territory eighteen years ago, when the peripheral sector was granted increased autonomy.
“Our borders haven’t been the same since we popped it out,” Dackam joked.
Image: Dackam recalls a time when Scyldari borders were much more taut.
The Scyldari oversaw the fledgling protectorate take its first independent spaceflight, and issue its first insult to a foreign species.
However, in recent years the relationship between the two has become increasingly turbulent, prompting the Scyldari to formally release the Palitine earlier this year.
“It’s funny how quickly they go from a cute little one system minor to a bratty teenage space-nation demanding an allowance of 100 energy credits per month,” Dackam continued.
Scyldari officials were reportedly surprised to learn the Palitine had formed protectorates of its own, having long warned the region against undertaking this owing to its age, unfederated status and lack of stable energy income.
“I suppose in retrospect we maybe should have done more to crack down on the Palitine sending out those unsolicited vassalization demands,” Dackam concluded. “But perhaps now they’ll finally learn something about taking responsibility.”
Representatives from the Palitine declined to comment, stating they’d been up all night trying to settle the repeated migration treaty requests from their two new protectorates.
Original article idea by @richithunder
Area Empire Self-Conscious About Diplomatic Weight After Binge Integration
Officials from the Hazbuzan Syndicate stated this Monday that they are becoming increasingly self-conscious about the space-nation’s ballooning diplomatic weight.
Sources close to the Syndicate state feelings of insecurity intensified following a year-long integration binge of multiple population-dense protectorates.
“I just know everyone is looking at us when we enter the Galactic Community,” Interior Minister Dorbax told Xenonion, “we just want to exercise our diplomatic power without judgement.”
Image: The Hazbuzan first became aware of the issue through an educational poster.
Dorbax stated following the integration, government officials felt so guilty they considered spinning off the newly absorbed territory into vassal states, but wavered over concerns they would simply be re-integrated again.
Experts have warned the Hazbuzan’s rapidly growing diplomatic weight is unhealthy, and likely to lead to serious longer term issues such as hyper-administrativeaemia or hyper-extension.
At the time of press the Syndicate states it is optimistic it will be able to achieve rapid diplomatic weight loss with a new catabolic program based entirely on planet crackers.
Empire Just Completely Abandons Planetary Naming Convention After Hitting 37 Colonies
Citing increasing frustration over an ever-expanding roster of new colonies, officials from the Commonwealth of Man have reportedly just completely given up on trying to follow any coherent planetary naming strategy.
“There’s just too many new worlds”, Internal Affairs Minister Herman Beauclair concluded during a departmental brainstorming session, “we’ve already used up all the thematically good names.”
Producing a diagram of local star systems, he pointed out the aesthetically pleasing and consistently suffixed core worlds of Hyperion, Astrion, Nexion and Iridion.
“When we began expanding into the mid-rim we compensated by naming the worlds after their system and just adding ‘Prime’ to the end of it”, he continued. “But there’s only so many times you can pass by Gaea Prime without a crushing sense of disappointment.”
Image: Commonwealth Minister Herman Beauclair has been struggling to establish a consistent naming system.
Diplomats from neighbouring empires have pledged to aid the crisis, offering their own solutions such as prefixing planets with ‘Vi’, ‘Ad’ or ‘Nos’ to add contextual flavour.
“Alternatively they could just follow our fairly solid plan of completely ignoring copyright”, Governor Trelix of the Trantor-Krypton-Dagobah tri-planet area told Xenonion.
At the time of press, Commonwealth officials stated they are considering implementing a new system which would see planets simply named after their primary function. Residents of the trial worlds ‘Techybois 5’ and ‘Generator Districts Go Brrr’ have expressed their disapproval.
Article idea by @Kennedy (Discord)
Area Empire Adopts Gavelkind Succession
Following increased pressure from a growing faction of powerful vassals, Emperor Jeffremagne has half-heartedly agreed to adopt gavelkind succession.
The change in succession law will now see the inheritance of the Jeff Imperium divided among Jeffremagne’s sons.
Speaking with Crusader Today magazine, Jeffremagne mused: “How bad can it be? I’m two hundred years old and have thirty eight sons, so it sounds fairly reasonable.”
He went on to lay out his meticulous plans for how the empire would be equally divided with uniform and aesthetically pleasing borders.
Image: Emperor Jeffremagne and his many, as yet, unlanded sons.
“I’ve spent many years grooming my primary heir Jeffoman for power,” Jeffremagne continued, “it is vital he isn’t left with one tiny system where his siblings could easily overpower him and usurp the main title.”
Xenonion tried to reach out to Jeffoman, but the intelligent and charismatic heir declined an interview, stating he was “outraged” by the succession law change. When asked how outraged he was, he stated firmly: “-50.”
However, his repugnant and slow learner brother Jeffin stated he was “delighted” with the news, adding “I think I’ll celebrate… with a beer!”
Shares in spymasters have rallied on the news.
*Article idea: @kennedy (Discord)
Death Cult Despoilers Disappointed to Find Abducted Pops Robotic, Lacking in Sacrificial Organs
The Inzakari Rippers’ leadership cabal has voiced its disappointment after learning that the latest tranche of pops abducted from a neighbouring empire were actually synthetic and entirely lacking in viable organs for planned sacrificial rituals.
“At this point we’re not even sure that they’re alive”, general and senior flayer Oderus told Xenonion. “Sure, they’re capable of emulating fear and terror, but the reanimation rituals kinda fall flat when there’s no skin to strip, blood to drink or organs to unceremoniously tear out.”
Envoys from the raided Dynax Construction Matrix responded curtly to the comments, issuing a press release dismissing the Inzakari’s “dangerous prejudice”, adding its machine pops were “as good for abduction and sacrifice as any organic equivalent.”
Image: Senior flayer Oderus worries the empire’s new automated blood-letting processing line will struggle to work with synthetic pops.
The Inzakari, famed for their barbarity and extreme violence, have yet to formally respond, although insider reports suggest that the Galactic Community’s Committee for Organic Assimilation has received a fleshletter of complaint written entirely in blood from Deathlord Korr.
Oderus stated: “I don’t know what to do. We tried ripping out their processing units but the feigned beeps for help really took all the magic and pageantry out of the gutting ceremony. Also, their metallic husks are just super uncomfortable to wear compared against a good-old fashioned bone helmet.
At the time of writing the Inzakari have also reportedly called off a planned invasion of Blorg Prime, with Deathlord Korr issuing a rare diplomatic missive: “I hope you're all happy, we're just gonna do our own thing for a while, I guess. Whatever."
Galactic Council Calls Emergency Meeting After Area Empire Appears "Highly Sus"
The Galactic Council have convened an emergency meeting after a small space-nation was found destroyed in the Skeld nebula.
The gruesome discovery was made by the Fortegreen Alliance, whose science ships called in the finding while performing routine exploratory tasks in the region.
The Redd Commonality immediately demanded all space-nations self report to the Council for further investigation. In agreement, Council representatives told the Assembly floor: “The perpetrator behind the Skeld attack is clearly here among us. Justice demands we now vote en masse, and assign guilt based on a majority result.”
The ensuing open vote was fraught, with the Orenje Union quickly declaring its intention to vote for the Fortegreen Alliance, describing the empire’s original reporting of the incident as “highly sus.”
Image: The Galactic Council convenes an emergency vote regarding the Skeld attack.
A spokesxeno for the Fortegreens strongly denied the accusation, protesting to the Assembly: “Just because we were in the region does not mean we were involved! We should take time to compare our evidence and think about this logically.”
Accusations only intensified following this, however, after both the Tan Empire and Cyanic Dominion testified to having witnessed Fortegreen ships using a local L-Gate to avoid detection, which the Alliance has also denied.
The electronic vote concluded after a record ten seconds, with the Fortegreens being found overwhelmingly guilty of perpetrating the attack.
In the wake of the result, the Galactic Council have revoked the Fortegreen’s membership of the organization, and ejected all diplomatic staff from the Interstellar Assembly.
The Galactic Supreme Court has been quick to reject the Fortegreen’s attempt to appeal the Council’s decision, with one leading justice reasoning: “Idk, they do seem kinda sus.”
At the time of press the Galactic Council’s formal inquiry into the Skeld incident was forced to adjourn after the Interstellar Assembly developed a critical oxygen fault which required immediate attention.
Article idea via @ScreechBot
Unbidden Win Permanent Seat on Remnants of Galactic Council
The Unbidden have won a permanent seat on what remains of the Galactic Council following a close vote earlier this week.
The extra-dimensional invaders secured the 51% vote threshold required after absorbing the Outer Rim’s entire thirteen-member voting block.
The Unbidden have won a permanent seat on what remains of the Galactic Council following a close vote earlier this week.
The extra-dimensional invaders secured the 51% vote threshold required after absorbing the Outer Rim’s entire thirteen-member voting block.
It joins the three surviving permanent members of the council – the Techzid, Lokken and Blorg, who issued congratulations from the one remaining wing of the Insterstellar Assembly which wasn’t destroyed by the recent Unbidden assault on the station.
The nameless Unbidden avatar who represents the mysterious beings thanked the scattered remnants of the Galactic Community in a televised address, stating: “Know… this. You are… food. Nothing more…”
Image: The Unbidden address the galaxy from the Galactic Community’s Senate Hall.
The entity went on to outline the Unbidden’s legislative agenda for 2254/55, which includes:
Blocking the Galactic Community’s ability to vote on declaring the Unbidden invasion an emergency by abolishing the Galactic Community
Reallocating energy credits away from pan-galactic defence initiatives and towards Unbidden conservation programs
Tough new regulations on space-whaling
Minority Senate leader Nogrom, speaking from his government bunker on Hyperion, emphatically welcomed the result of the vote, stating the Unbidden “ran a campaign which really centred around the most important issues facing the galaxy right now.” He added that he hoped “our new overlords would remember those who voted as they were told.”
The announcement has however drawn criticism, particularly from the Orbis MegaCorp, whose CEO Seph Orbis stated he was “disappointed” that the Galactic Council had not honoured his agreement to purchase a permanent seat earlier this year. He confirmed he would appeal the decision to the Galactic Supreme Court “as soon as it is rebuilt and the new extra-dimensional justices are nominated.”
What remains of the Galactic Community is expected to return to session later this month after repairs have been completed on the Insterstellar Assembly, when a further emergency vote is scheduled on once again repealing the Minor Administrative Sanctions Bill.
Awakened Empire Has Just About Had It With Galaxy's Lazy, Disrespectful Attitude
Clearly irate at being left as the sole active defender against the Unbidden invasion, the Zelvan Arbitrators warned the galaxy this Thursday that they have “just about had it with the lazy, disrespectful attitude,” adding “it ends now, or else.”
Addressing the Galactic Council earlier today, Zelvan representative Mondrig appeared clearly exasperated, lamenting: “Just who exactly do you think we are? Your personal crisis cleaner? Do we exist to just run around after you mopping up your interstellar mess? Show some respect to your elders!”
Sources close to the Zelvan report the tirade was triggered after not one single space-nation offered to join to help the war effort, despite the ascendancy awaking specifically to tackle the extra-dimensional invaders.
Mondrig continued, with increased tension in her voice: “We’re out here being worked to the bone, and what are you doing? Oh, of course, busy lazing around playing Universe Universalis. Well maybe, just maybe, we’d like to be lazing around too. But then who would do all the galactic chores? The peacekeeping fairy?”
Mondrig’s speech was abruptly cut short after she caught one of the delegates smirking, to which she sniped: “Wipe that look off your face RIGHT NOW. Do you think — look at me when I’m talking to you — do you think this is funny?”
Shortly afterwards, the Galactic Council sheepishly issued a written statement in which it said it was sorry the Zelvan “felt that way” but found the accusations “totally unfair, and like, blown way out of proportion.”
Image: Hilda Ernst is one of the human representatives on the Galactic Council.
Galactic Council Member Hilda Ernst told Xenonion: “Seriously, the Zelvan just need to, like, chill. The Great Khan allowed us to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted, with none of this nagging or drama.”
The response only further enraged Zelvan’s Diplomatic Corps, with officials immediately mandating that all foreign fleets within their territory return to their home system “right this minute,” and “take a real hard think about what they’ve done.”
The Galactic Council has lodged a formal petition of complaint regarding the border closure, protesting that it had arranged plans to explore the L-Cluster with allies this weekend. When asked for a further explanation, the Zelvan curtly replied: “The borders are closing because we say so.”
Ernst told Xenonion the developments were “so annoying,” adding: “Absolutely EVERYONE is going to the L-Cluster this weekend! Our lives are RUINED forever!”
At the time of press, Zelvan representatives told Xenonion they were not angry at the Galactic Council, “just disappointed.”
“Do Not Misjudge Our Power," Pathetic-Rated Empire With Three Corvettes Warns Neighbors
The pathetic-rated Hiffnar Empire has warned neighboring species that any territorial infringements will be met with “the crushing force” of its three Corvettes.
Hiffnar leader Vathrag issued a stark warning to what he termed “meddling foreign entities” in a televised address today, stating “do not misjudge our power - you cannot afford to play games with us.”
The bellicose comments mark a significant hardening of stance from the Hiffnar’s two part-time envoys.
Vathrag also denied his comments come following a recent report published by the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) confirming the Hiffnar Empire as one of the galaxy’s least developed space-nations, stating he would not comment on something he was unable to read.
Image: The three Corvettes of ‘Strike Force Unbreakable Destiny, Sword: Actual Warhammer Alpha’ closely guard the Hiffnar homeworld of Drull.
A coalition of neighboring space-nations with overwhelming military power have issued a joint response to Vathrag’s warning, stating they are “super scared.” They have also called for “mercy”, with a “humble request” for the Hiffnar not to overwhelm them by using all three of their corvettes at once.
The Galactic Community has appealed for calm, adding it’s had a long day at work and just needs a goddamn minute to itself, OK?
*Article inspired by ChalkyTable3335’s Reddit post
Barbaric Despoilers Awkwardly Withdraw From Raid on Blorg Prime, State “Something Else Suddenly Came Up”
The inhabitants of Blorg Prime have been left perplexed after the Raxar Despoilers, a notoriously aggressive raiding clan, abandoned an attempt to abduct pops only moments after arriving on the planet.
The Raxar initiated the surprise raid in the early hours of this morning, however withdrew after their dropships were deluged with Blorg volunteering for abduction. The raiders then reportedly released the handful of Blorg they had captured, telling them: “Sorry, we have to go, something else suddenly came up.”
Image: Raxar raiding parties rapidly withdraw on sighting the Blorg.
Raxar Warlord Ludramok issued a rare apology to the Blorg via Xenonion this afternoon, stating: “We’re really sorry. The raid on Blorg Prime sounded great, but when we got there we suddenly remembered we had this other really important thing to go to. We’d promised this other species we were going to raid them, and we didn’t want to let them down. It’s nothing against the Blorg, they hosted a great raid, honestly.”
Footage from the attack showed the ferocious Raxar troops disembarking from their ships before immediately recoiling with shock and disgust after physically sighting the multi-tendrilled Blorg, who had prepared complementary gift-baskets complete with freshly harvested fungoid cheese.
Blorg administrator Cindy Crawford voiced her disappointment at the Raxar’s sudden departure, telling Xenonion: “We were so excited for this raid. We’d been planning it all week, sending out invitations to any despoilers we could find. As soon as we picked up the Raxar hyperdrive signatures we couldn’t wait to host some new friends. My sister was so upset as she’d put a lot of effort into making a homegrown batch of fungoid cheese, but I guess we’ll save it for another time.”
Ludramok responded to this in his interview, stating with uncharacteristic claw-wringing: “The cheese looked delicious, really! It’s just our species has really bad irritable bowel syndrome, and honestly we didn’t want to risk it while being away from our homeworld.”
The Blorg have been quick to offer a further potential raiding date next week, however the Raxar have politely declined, stating the species is collectively washing its hair that day, and then probably needs to swing by the Gene Clinic to visit a sick relative.
Public Trust in Commonwealth Dictatorship Plummets to Historic Low of 240%
Trust in Commonwealth leader Sidney Beauclair has fallen to a 9-year low, the state-funded polling agency Pollaganda said this Thursday.
Just 240% of citizens surveyed last month said they trusted Beauclair, the lowest percentage since the pollster began asking the question in 2245.
The survey, taken by over 12.5 million easily traced respondents, echoes other opinion polls showing decreasing approval of Beauclair, who has been the space-nation’s preeminent political leader since 2200.
Beauclair has suffered a slide in ratings following her botched attempt at rebranding the Commonwealth as the ‘Imperium of Man’, which left the government shelling out 13 trillion energy credits to settle a trans-dimensional copyright infringement lawsuit.
The Commonwealth’s Press Secretary Max Brill refused to answer questions on the topic at a news briefing today, stating that the polling was “not consistent” with figures he had seen. Visibly irritated, he ended the briefing by summarily executing all those present.
Political analyst Sara Weber said the mixed poll result was “really significant,” showing that while Commonwealth citizens continue to approve of Beauclair, there is a “visible trend” of public fatigue towards the constant threat of being abducted to an off-world government black site.
Pollaganda has since stated that this year’s survey was the first to try a new style of question where respondents could answer independently from the presence of armed government minders.
Following criticism from the Commonwealth Executive, Pollaganda has since reversed its polling methodology, and revised results have shown trust in Beauclair has returned to a baseline of 450%.
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