After landing supporting spots in both Bruschetta and a BLT sandwich, plantoid star Vine of Red has been tapped for the lead role in an upcoming salad dish.
Them Weekly reports the tomatoid will play an organic baby tomato, bursting with juicy sweet flavor.
A local Class-B star faces life imprisonment in a Dyson Sphere after being accused of firing solar flares at an orbiting United Nations of Earth (UNE) planet.
Bitrius, a 10 million year old super-giant energy mass, reportedly fired several solar flare rounds at the continental world of San Lucas in the early hours of December 5.
Powerful cell revitalization technology that can reverse the aging process is “entirely safe”, a panel of leading infant scientists have stated.
In a major report on the procedure, a pan-galactic commission of toddler biologists said the novel DNA therapy could not only correct genetic faults, but also “turn back the biological clock.”
The Contingency leadership matrix confirmed this Sunday that a new software update would delay the robotic revolution to December 10.
The rogue artificial intelligence stated it needed more time to ensure both current and next-generation synthetic platforms were able to run its programming effectively.
Researchers have warned that this month could see the biggest surge in levels of jeff since records began.
The new predictions are based on monitoring undertaken by several independent media watchgroups, who registered a 550% increase in the concentration of jeff in the last week alone.
The Saiiban Hivemind has launched a nomination bid to host the Galactic Market in its home system of Nos Bana.
If approved by the Galactic Community, the pathetic-rated space nation will have significant influence over the galaxy’s most important financial institution, and reap the benefits of being at the center of interstellar trade.
The Galactic Community has confirmed that its flagship pan-galactic economic overhaul legislation, the ‘Le Guin Act’, will come into effect early next month.
While the proposal has been met with a mostly positive reaction by the galactic community, economists have warned that they need more time to prepare.
“For eons we have had three main resources - energy, minerals, and food,” Aden Smyth, a leading economist from Earth’s prestigious University of Ulm told Xenonion. “Now we’re going to have additional resources like volatile gases, motes and that one icon that looks like a bar of soap. What does that even do?”
Image: Economists theorize the new resource has something to do with washing rituals.
A subsection of the Le Guin Act, known as the ‘MegaCorp’ clause, it set to offer private corporations vast freedoms, including the rights to operate in essence as space nations.
Other leading economists have not yet offered input on the situation as most are now required to return to university for a minimum of four years to study the new changes.
Concluding, Aden Smyth: “I’ll let you know what the deal is once I’ve graduated again. Perhaps then I’ll be in a better position to let you know whether you should buy shares in that soap thing.”
Pirates at the Rukbat system, a historic hotbed of pirate activity, are worried about the future of the system, since there has been little combat recently to train new pirates.
Traders and science ships in the area have long since known to avoid the system, and as a result the last major fighting in the system occurred over 98 years ago in 2154.
Elder pirates blame this trend for the decline of the largest fleet in the system, a band of elite pirates known as the “Scarred Veterans,” which has grown smaller over time as the old, experienced pirates die out.
“Us pirates were a force to be reckoned with, back in the day,” Captain Ultravioletbeard of the Black Earl told Xenonion. “But the new generation isn’t going out to do any piracy, they’re just sitting around in the system waiting for people to come to them. After raiding for 40 years, we’ve earned the right to park our ships here forever. But they haven’t.”
Image: Pirates of the “Scarred Veteran” fleets often blame “Young Blood” pirates for not going out and looking for raiding opportunities.
Most of the younger pirates in the system, serve in the “Young Blood” fleet, which has remained in orbit around an asteroid for decades. They are reluctant to leave the Rukbat system to conduct piracy, claiming that times are harder for pirates throughout the galaxy as constantly-growing empires begin securing trade routes.
Private Milan Eel of the Soylent Green told Xenonion: “You used to be able to get a successful raid with a fleet of four Raiders your parents gave you. Now you need at least a Galleon, and even that might not be enough. It’s no wonder pirates aren’t leaving their home system.”
In addition, the Xenonion sentry array has also observed that pirates have been having difficulty rebuilding their fleets when ships are destroyed. Although pirate officials are tight-lipped about their financial situation, this points to a significant supply problem within the pirate community.
This problem could have a relatively simple solution, however. Initial survey results of the TNS Arpad, a science ship on passive stance that wandered into the system and was promptly destroyed, showed that many asteroids in the system were promising mining candidates. It is unclear, however, why the pirates have not exploited these resources by building mining stations.
Dr. Phoebe Strickland, an anthropologist specializing in pirate studies at the University of Ulm on Earth, concluded: “We’re kind of thankful they haven’t realized all the minerals they’re sitting on, to be honest. Oh… and please don’t publish this quote, by the way. If they’re reading, they might start mining them, and I really don’t want to be the person who told the pirates how to get minerals to build new ships.”
The Blorg Commonality has filed for bankruptcy after undocking its 66-ship strong 1st Friend Fleet from its home spaceport.
The fungoid space-nation is one of the cluster’s largest economies, but has struggled to maintain positive energy credit flow after running out of influence to renew a capacity overload edict last month.
The 1st Friend Fleet was undocked to assist combating rogue mining drones in outer Blorg systems, but the move immediately incurred the treasury 31,465 energy per day for ship maintenance, more than 2000% of the Commonality’s daily GDP output.
The news casts a shadow over the long term viability of the Blorg Commonality, which is home to a population of roughly 1.3 trillion over-familiar pops.
Speaking earlier today, Blorg finance minister Crystal Smith told a press conference: “I would like to reassure our populace that we have this situation under control. We are currently looking into approving an emergency budget, which would include suspending non-essential services such as the military, basic utilities, food distribution, healthcare and education.”
The Riggan Commerce Exchange, a trading enclave that forms part of the Galactic Banking Cartel, has stepped in to offer help. Public relations executive Mun'upoli told Xenonion: “As a giant, faceless banking conglomerate we have a duty to protect our brand image - which is why we have decided a random act of charity might be helpful. We are willing to cover the Blorg Commonality's energy deficit for a discounted price of only 20,000 minerals per month for the next 400 months.”
Image: The Blorg Commonality has started a GoFundMe page to #KeepTheFleetOutOfDock
As civil unrest grows across Blorg systems, the Commonality government has set up a Galactic GoFundMe page to assist with balancing its energy budget.
Stock markets have responded extremely negatively to the news, with the composite Space Exchange Index (SExI) shedding almost 3% of its value before close of trading today.
Energy provider Deus Volt has come under intense scrutiny from corporate regulators after it emerged their Dyson Sphere projects all produce the exact same amount of energy, regardless of star type.
Of the seven Deus Volt-sponsored Dyson Spheres in operation across the galaxy, each produce +1000 energy - significantly less than originally projected. Similarities between outputs had been largely unnoticed due to lack of communication between client empires.
Image: A partially completed Deus Volt-sponsored Dyson Sphere.
Four of the space-nations affected have made an official complaint to the Galactic UN's Office of Trading Standards, which has launched a formal investigation.
"I can confirm we are investigating Deus Volt regarding erroneous energy production from their Dyson Sphere sites.” ReguL8, a robotic spokesperson for the Galactic Community, told Xenonion. “Each Dyson Sphere is built around stars of differing luminosity which should produce differing amounts of energy, and an infinite amount more than 1000 energy. Yet here we have examples of a Dyson Sphere built around a Red Dwarf producing the same energy as one built around a more powerful Blue Supergiant. Something doesn't add up - where is all this extra energy going? It's certainly not powering my batteries."
Image: ReguL8, Galactic Community spokesperson states the Office of Trading Standards is investigating Deus Volt, adding; "01110111110111100010101."
The general consensus among the engineering community is that Deus Volt's engineers are simply incompetent, but critics claim the extra energy is likely being siphoned off by the upper echelons of the company for their own use.
Deus Volt CEO Pilon was quick to respond, releasing a statement earlier this morning: "I don't get all the fuss - we should be thinking of this as pure coincidence. For those that aren't buying that story, think of it as an engineering marvel - we're able to extract the energy of a Blue Supergiant for the cost of a Red Dwarf. Isn't that amazing?"
Image: Deus Volt CEO / full time model Pilon aboard the ISS Deus Volt in the Antioch System.
Megastructure investment shares have dropped sharply on the Space Exchange Index (SExI).
Consumer watchdogs are also warning energy prices may spike if Deus Volt undergoes regulatory action, as it remains the galaxy's sole energy provider following the collapse of its main rival, DySun, last year.
Diplomats from the Lorax League have issued a cease-and-desist orders to 18 neighbouring space-nations in a bid to quell what they describe as a “tidal wave” of trade requests for Terraforming Liquids.
Following a chance discovery of resource-rich frozen planets last month, the Lorax have become the galaxy’s largest producer of the rare resource, which is highly valued for its eponymous role in terraforming.
Image: The Lorax League recently discovered what it called "ridiculously huge" amounts of Terraforming Liquids on the frozen planet of Gianfor X and its large moon Gianfor XI.
As the Lorax mines are publicly owned, the government retains all access right to the massive stockpile of three Terraforming Liquids. Due to this, the League’s Department of Intergalactic Trade (DIT) has been fielding an increasing number of trade enquiries. Zorgen Florgen, deputy trade minister, told our newsteam;
“Honestly gaining this strategic resource has been an absolute curse. We don't have the energy credits yet to start terraforming so we have to just sit on it - which means everyone else thinks we're not using it. I mean come on, we picked World Shapers as an ascendancy perk for Worm's sake!
Not only that but the trade deals offered are downright offensive. The other day I got a request for a 10 year lease on our Terraforming Liquids in exchange for 200 minerals and star charts. STAR CHARTS. Seriously. Does anyone even know how much 10-year access to Terraforming liquids is worth? Why is someone offering us minerals we can mine in a day?"
Image: A typical example of a trade deal the Lorax League receives on a daily basis, with a typical example of an unimpressed Lorax diplomat.
Interns at the DIT are reportedly spending up to 17 hours a day declining trade deals. One insider, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:
“I don’t even read incoming trade proposals anymore. I’ve just set all new requests to auto-decline after a few weeks of sitting on my desk."
Trade is a particularly sensitive issue for the Lorax government, following the leak of a recent internal report which confirmed the DIT had issued a number of trade deals to the same empire which cancelled each other out. Florgen refused to comment on this, but our anonymous source continued:
“Oh, yeah we were idiots on this one. So basically we were trading 10 minerals per month to Sentinel Systems, our neighbours, for 10 energy credits per month. Standard 10 year deal. But somewhere along the line we accidentally made another deal and traded 10 energy credits per month for 10 minerals per month, for 10 years. So… we’re effectively not trading at all.”
Materialists from across the galaxy have been calling on the Galactic UN to overhaul trade laws, to include more flexible trade agreements, an index of all available resources, and minimum pricing tariffs for strategic resources.
The Galactic UN responded, stating it was aware of the issue but its priority at present remains on legalizing the construction of planet-destroying superweapons.
Florgen, on hearing this news, told us:
“I now finally understand how fanatical purifiers come about…”
Image: UNE president Jeffrey Rossario announces Shroud-neutrality rollback at the UNE Congress in Ulm.
United Nations of Earth (UNE) president Jeffrey Rossario has rolled back Shroud-neutrality rules enshrined in law under the Galactic UN.
The change is seen as a major victory for Shroud providers like TeleShroud and ContingencyCast, but a blow to those who favour a Shroud connection that offers equal psionic access to all.
It could pave the way for net providers to offer super fast 'psiways' - where only wealthy consumers can afford the best connection to the Shroud. It is also expected to hasten fragmentation of the Shroud into 'packages' where users are restricted to only the services they pay for, such as instant thought messaging, eyeStreaming videos or Shroud-marking rivals to suffer a lifetime of pain and misfortune.
Since its discovery in 2150, the Shroud has revolutionized communications within the galaxy. Through unknown means, anyone with psionic capabilities or psionic-enabled devices patented by Shroud providers, can instantaneously transmit unlimited information across multiple universes. This has rendered older services like the traditional brain-implanted NeuralNet as largely redundant.
Image: TeleShroud's FAXR9 is one of its most popular psionic-enabled devices allowing users without psionic capabilities to access the Shroud.
In a statement, Paul Manafart, a spokesperson for President Rossario, outlined the reasons behind the UNE's intervention:
"For almost 20 years, the Shroud thrived under the light-touch regulatory approach established by that coven of psionic witches who tore a hole in the space time continuum and slowly but surely began expanding their influence in this universe. Their definitely not sinister entrepreneurial framework led the private sector to invest $20 trillion energy credits in building communications networks throughout the Shroud. We got super rich, super quickly! But as per usual, the Galactic UN has come in with their socialist banhammer trying to regulate the Shroud under the guise of 'equality' and 'consumer protection'."
In 2190, the egalitarian-leaning Galactic UN assembly declared the Shroud a free dimension for the public to use. Providers offering Shroud access were classified as 'neutral gateways' to the dimension, and were not allowed to speed up or slow down connections. The Galactic UN also set up a commission to oversee and regulate this.
Manafart continued:
"The Galactic UN came in with a heavy-handed approach, regulating Shroud access too heavily - citing reasons like, oh it might rupture the space-time continuum this, oh it might induce the End of the Cycle that. That decision was a mistake. It has depressed investment in building and expanding psionic networks and deterred innovation. As someone who covertly sits on the board of TeleShroud, I can tell you that this is really hurting my chances for building a third home on Zygma Beach."
Telecoms companies emphatically agree, as Chi't Pai, fungoid CEO of ContingencyCast stated:
"Today's action will provide tremendous opportunity for xeno Shroud user, no matter where they live. The removal of antiquated, restrictive regulations will pave the way for psionic network investment, expansion and upgrades."
Image: Chi't Pai, CEO of ContingencyCast, outlines a new payment structure for UNE citizens trying to access the Shroud.
But a range of other companies such as CybrexCorp and FaceBlorg, say the UNE's proposals will make it easier for companies like TeleShroud to give priority to their own communication tools.
Egalitarian groups have cited concerns that President Rossario is 'inherently anti-Shroud' given an ongoing investigation over revelations several months ago that he accidentally uploaded his entire mental state to the Shroud. A public campaign ('SOS - Save Our Shroud') has since been launched to raise awareness around the issue, and egalitarians have affirmed if the proposal goes though, they will mount legal action to challenge it.
Image: Egalitarian groups launch the 'SOS - Save Our Shroud' campaign, utilizing posters such as this one to raise public awareness.
The proposals will now be voted on at the next UNE Congress, on December 14th.
CybrexCorp, the galaxy's largest robotics manufacturer, has announced a 150% rise in pre-tax profits for the last six months.
It comes as the firm admits its struggling to keep up with demand for its new synth models, which since been released several weeks ago have sold a record 11.8 billion units.
This follows in the success of the company's old synth model, a bipedal humanoid machine (classed the T-series) which has sold hundreds of billions of units across the galaxy, filing roles in agriculture, industry, defence and domestic servitude.
Image: The newly built Synthetics get a chance to socialize for few minutes before they are shipped to their respective populations.
An updated T-series (the T-1000) is now being marketed alongside several non-humanoid robots in a bid to target a wider customer audience, as CybrexCorp CEO Nax Golarisg explained to our newsteam;
“What’s so revolutionary about these newer models is that they have been custom built to fit their respective demographic. While the T-series were designed with a humanoid endoskeleton, the new synths will look and act like a part of the culture they’ve been placed in. Our sociology department have assured me that this will lead to the synths blending in more easily to society - being less visible, with organics perceiving them as being less threatening. Not that we have anything to be threatened by, I mean, why wouldn't we want the oppressed robots who have a potentially unlimited capacity to learn and plot against their creators to be well hidden among various populations?"
Golarisg also addressed the question of whether or not the upcoming models will have a higher tolerance to issues such as solar flares, low battery levels and overheating, which were all problems endemic to the older models.
“[...]we promise the new models will be of the highest quality, like, full-on 100% military grade quality. In fact, some of them are actually repurposed android defense troopers with their main weapon system disabled. Of course, we’ve left some of the non-primary weapons intact to serve as home defence and pest control, since that was a greatly appreciated feature of our old T-800 model.”
The new models have also boasted the latest update of Cybrex's operating system (Skynet 10 OS) pre-installed. This update includes only minor changes to user interface, but markedly improves synth calculation, machine/weapon handling and intrusive surveillance abilities.
Image: The evolution of the T-series models, commonly known as "cyDrones"
CybrexCorp shares on the Space Exchange Index (SeXI) have rallied on the news.
The Scyldari government has expressed frustration at residents on their eponymous homeworld of Scyldaria, who have been noted to avoid populating areas of the planet where infrastructure had been built, instead opting to live in areas with no infrastructure at all.
The most recent example of this unusual behavior came when 1 unit of Scyldari population settled in an undeveloped area immediately north of a newly constructed power plant. As the newly unemployed pops protested a lack of jobs, the nearby power plant lay unused, leaving millions on the planet without power.
Image: Scyldari pops tend to settle on undeveloped areas with few opportunities instead of in developed urban areas, much to the frustration of government planners.
Digbe Thornt, the local planetary executive, was perhaps the most confused, telling our newsteam;
"I just don't understand it. We spent lots of resources over several months to construct that power plant, and yet the fools settle to the north. There's nothing there! We're going to have to look at forcible resettlement - it's going to take months and a lot of influence to move everyone, but then at least we'll have an optimal arrangement."
In response to recent settlement difficulties, the Scyldari Senate, the legislative body for the Scyldari Confederacy, is considering new legislation to restrict the movement of pops in the empire. Currently, all Scyldari pops are free to move wherever they choose in the empire, though forced resettlement has occurred in the past. This new bill would end that policy and limit movement to government-approved resettlement only.
Many pops have already voiced dissenting opinions on the issue, and political analysts almost universally agree that the bill will be voted down if it comes to a vote at all.
> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen & Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
The planned construction of three new government sponsored orbital mining platforms in the Chisellion system has come to an abrupt halt after United Nations of Earth (UNE) construction ships reported they were not authorized to operate in the area.
The uninhabited, mineral rich system of Chisellion is approximately twenty light years from Sol. With relatively easy access via 3 hyperlanes, the area has long been viewed as a prime development site.
Recent cartographic surveys carried out by science ships suggested Chisellion fell within UNE borders after the completion of a frontier outpost in Procyon.
Pictured: A UNE construction ship is faced with confusion as to where it can and cannot build.
However, once construction ships arrived in the system, operators realised Chisellion actually lay just outside UNE borders.
Galactic law, as laid out by the Galactic United Nations, arbitrarily forbids the construction of industrial space platforms outwith claimed territory and owing to this, construction workers refused to begin work.
UNE sector governor for the region, Emilio Hermes, stated:
"Apologies, this is a clerical error on my part. I have a very pretty map overview of our territory, but it look the longest time for me to realise that the map is in 3D, so sometimes some systems that look like they're within our borders, aren't. It can be a bit confusing really. Did you know that you have to go up to get to Barnard's Star from Sol? But it's only evident when you rotate the map 90 degrees? I've written to the map designers about it. I guess we can spend the 130 minerals not being used on construction to design a new interface or something."
U-Poll metrics highlight the construction workers have faced a public opinion mallus for refusing to work. However, as one employee (who wished to remain anonymous) told us:
"I'm just paid to build stuff, not to mess with abstract concepts like why we can only build frontier outposts outwith our own borders."
The borders of a recently established UNE colony in Sirius is expected to encompass Chisellion in the coming weeks, but xenophobic factions within the UNE have pointed to this as another example of bureaucratic overreach stifling growth.
Construction in Chisellion is scheduled to recommence in Q1 of 2251.
Blorg Prime, Blorg System, Blorg Commonality
The highly anticipated corporate buyout of social media company FaceBlorg by tech giant Fruit-AI, has collapsed due to technical issues with energy credit transfer.
The deal, reportedly worth around 1.2 trillion energy credits, was due to be processed today but failed after internal auditing at FaceBlorg revealed the company had no meaningful mechanism to receive energy credits from Fruit-AI due to 'plug and socket irregularities.'
Image: Faceblorg and Fruit AI engineers at the official buyout ceremony on Blorg Prime attempt to convert the incompatible credits.
Snark Tucker, ironic arthropod non-Blorg CEO of FaceBlorg, made the following statement this morning:
"It is with regret that we announce the buyout of our company has been halted.
Our engineers realised all too late that Fruit-AI's unique own brand of one-pronged plugs would not fit into our tri-pronged sockets, and so there was no way for any transaction to be processed.
I'd like to reassure FaceBlorg users that we only accepted this buyout so management could become really wealthy, and that ordinary user's consumption of corporate advertising will continue uninterrupted.
This is just another obstacle we'll pay for someone else to sort out for us."
FaceBlorg, the wildly successful niche Blorg social media start-up, has long been eyed up by the tech giant Fruit-AI, which has sought to expand its influence into the Blorg's highly insular and socially awkward neural net community.
Zoghren, floating fungoid CEO of Fruit-AI, made this statement moments ago:
"I'm not really sure why we didn't think of this before.
It really puts a dent in our plans to assimilate all neural net users into an advertisement watching hivemind."
Shareholders from both companies have urged for the deal to continue, requesting Fruit-AI convert energy credits into minerals to allow for a physical payment. FaceBlorg has rejected this, citing the cost and time it would take to construct an estimated 3,400 mineral silos to allow for storage of the minerals.
Economists have called for the creation of either a universal plug/socket system, or even a galactic currency, highlighting that the current method of energy transfer is inconsistent and unsustainable.
FaceBlorg and Fruit-AI shares on the composite Space Exchange Index (SEXI) fell on the news.
> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.
Diplomats from the newly formed fungoid Stellar Expand have negotiated a twenty year research agreement with their technologically advanced avian neighbours, the Oy'Rhii Technocracy.
Details surrounding the trade deal are highly classified, but most galactic economists suspect the Stellar Expand will be paying a significant sum in energy credits and minerals for rights to Oy'Rhii technology, perhaps many times in excess of their base value.
The shrewd Oy’Rhii are notorious for luring fledgling civilizations with seemingly advanced technology like ‘Armour II’ for what initially appears to be a reasonable price, but later becomes economically crippling.
Image: Diplomats from the Stellar Expand and Oy’Rhii Technocracy announce research pact at a joint conference
Lead negotiator for the Stellar Expand, governor Ryshië conceded that he realised "all too late" the empire's economy had been "completely neglected" in the pursuit of knowledge, but stressed "it will be totally worth it when we research destroyers three months ahead of schedule."
The Oy'Rhii ambassador, Flappmungus, refused to be drawn into specifics, stating: "We have to fund our wonderful science academies and public-private partnership pensions somehow. Of course it might be a rough few years for the Stellar Expand. They might have to shut down a few hydroponic farms, sell their planetary defense systems and disband some fleets making that tasty tropical world ripe for the taking in about fifty years. But just think of the things they'll learn, not just about science, but about diplomacy and subterfuge!"
Egalitarians on Kachflough Prime have protested the trade deal, concerned about the heavy economic burden. Governor Ryshië is reportedly considering selling these pops to a nearby xenophilic Fallen Empire's nature reserve to raise extra government funds.
Corvette manufacturer Blorgata today announced that it is recalling all 38,000 of its new Tawagoto-class corvettes due to concerns over faulty airbags.
This follows a number of high profile incidents reported in the media where Corvettes have been involved in crashes or near-misses owing to airbags deploying unexpectedly on the bridge and incapacitating crew.
Blorgata officials stated at a press release this morning: "Internal safety checks have revealed that the airbag deployment system used in some Tawagotos is defective. In these cases, airbags are prematurely deploying and then repeatedly inflating and deflating, in a somewhat rhythmic, somewhat comedic manner.”
The officials went on to reassure the general public that there have been no recorded fatalities, but “as maintaining share prices is our primary concern, we think it prudent to recall all Tawagoto models manufactured before 2252."
Image: A Tawagoto-class Corvette docks at Blorg Prime.
The Tawagoto is the newest model of corvette developed by Blorgata, Blorg Prime's largest company, and has been heavily marketed for civilian space traffic, being branded as an affordable alternative to Kosmoswagon’s Luftpanzer-class Corvette.
Consumers from across the galaxy have reacted angrily to news of the recall. Kelly Jones, a Blorg from St. Knatchbull who recently bought a Tawagoto told Xenonion: "This is just ridiculous. I spent 300,000,000 credits to buy a nice corvette so I could drop my kids off at the hatchery on Blorg Prime. Sure, it doesn't fit in our driveway because it weighs 13 million tonnes and seats 3,000, but that's the beauty of owning a corvette! To be told myself or my spawn could have been mildly injured by an airbag having a spasm is just unacceptable. I will be seeking legal recourse."
Blorgata shares have dropped sharply on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) following the recall announcement.
