Entertainment

‘YASS QUEEN!’ – Prethoryn Beauty Delights With Glamorous Snaps

The Prethoryn Queen delighted fans on Saturday night after sharing some stunning new snaps.

The extra-dimensional bombshell, age unknown, channeled old-school glamour as she modeled inside her beautiful neural cavern adorned with pulsating flesh walls.

The candid photos showed her perfectly manicured tendrils cascading down from her toned central trunk, while a subtle dash of eyeliner gave her gorgeous giant eye some next-level pop.

Wearing her tightly fitting exo-shell, designer unknown, the Queen oozed both class and the viscous natural lubricant she requires to extract oxygen when planet-side.

After the snaps were posted to Instagram, several of the Queen’s followers gushed over the star in the comments. One penned “you look STUNNING” while others added “ICONIC” and “YASS QUEEN!”

The pictures are likely timed to coincide with next week’s launch of the Queen’s autobiography, HAK! HAK! HAK!


Heavy Metal Band 'Megadeath' Horrified After Billions Die During Charity Concert

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Communications are in disarray today on what remains of Rutheria after the necroid band Megacorpse obliterated the planet’s moon during an orbital performance, killing billions.

The popular psi-metal band were playing for a much anticipated charity event aboard their re-purposed performance Colossus to raise awareness for feline sleep apnea.

It was during this event that Kel-Azaan, lead vocalist and chief deathbringer, reportedly punched a hole into the surface of the moon during a 55-minute guitar solo for the song ‘Extinction Level Event.’

The ensuing debris shower caused catastrophic damage to the planet below, with several major urban centers suffering direct hits from chunks of the moon.

“It’s a total tragedy,” Kel-Azaan said after initial reports of planetary destruction began to filter through, “but at least we’ve been able to raise awareness about felon sleep apnea. We think it’s really important that prisoners get - wait, what? Feline? Like cats? Damn. Our bad, that’s… wow. Haha.”

Image: Kel-Azaan has long championed raising awareness about feline sleep apnea.

Image: Kel-Azaan has long championed raising awareness about feline sleep apnea.

Despite reports that Rutheria has descended into complete anarchy, with those surviving the initial maelstrom now resorting to barbarism to survive, music critics have lauded the performance as “unforgettable” and “literally heart-stopping.”

Rutheria’s former Chancellor Gitik Cavit spoke to Xenonion from her barely intact fallout shelter: “Early analysis suggests our planet will never recover. We’re looking at evacuating what survivors we can off-world. And I guess next year we’ll book Fall Out Blorg.”

Megacorpse has pledged to go on an awareness tour to bring attention to risks of hiring Megacorpse, with tickets now on sale for a performance over Earth later this year.

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The Galaxy's Most Anticipated Movies

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This year is set to be a bumper one for amazing movies!

Whether you’re a fan of a gripping thriller, laugh out loud rom-com or heartwarming adventure (looking at you Free Bubbles) this year has an outstanding line-up with something for everyone.

To help you navigate what’s ahead, our psionic researchers have selected a number of titles they’re sure you’ll love. Better get those calendars at the ready!


THE VULTAUMATRIX

Thriller, Sci-Fi [Mature]

A clerk on Vultaum makes a shocking discovery about the very fabric of his species’ existence. It’s a truth that could come at a heavy price for civilization itself.

Releases March 31.


THE KHANFATHER

Crime [Mature]

A young vassal works its way up the Khanate leadership structure, reluctantly becoming embroiled in an ever-escalating cycle of violence, betrayal and unintelligible shrieking.

Releases April 1.


CaTS

Musical. [All]

In this movie adaptation of the legendary stage production, a group of felines get high on Zro and decide who among themselves must be sacrificed to appease the Shroud.

Releases April 20.


I, Synth

Sci-Fi, Thriller [Teen]

Blorg enforcer Apollon Hermansson must put his spiritualism aside and cooperate with a state-of-the-art synthetic to foil a plot that may threaten all of Blorgkind.

Releases May 13.


Free Bubbles

Family Adventure [All]

A human kid strikes up a friendship with a Space Amoeba, and goes to great lengths to protect it from UNE Space Command before they can turn it into a super-weapon.

Releases June 1.


DEEP PROBE URANUS

Horror [Mature]

After a number of probes go missing on Uranus, UNE Space Command sends in a crack team to investigate what’s going on down there. Originally slated for a 2253 release, this terrifying horror was pushed back to 2254 to allow for some final polishes.

Releases September 1.

Watch the trailer here:


Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Hard-Drive

Romantic [Mature]

A robotic couple journey to back-up love.exe after their memories are accidentally erased from a system error.

Releases September 5.


THE FAULT IN OUR STELLARIS

Romantic [Teen]

Based on the best-selling Reddit post of the same name, two teenagers find each other in their battle against crippling end-game lag with their favourite computer game.

Releases October 11.


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Human Celebrity Changes His Name to 'What Was Will Be'

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Human music artist Canyon East has changed his name to ‘What Was Will Be.’

Announcing the change via Shroud today, East thought-broadcast; “The being formally known as Canyon East has submitted to the Coils of God. I rendezvous with the Messenger, and welcome the End in the Beginning. I Will Be What Was, for What Was Will Be.”

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Stars In The Stars celebrity reporter Vapid Smith offered more in-depth analysis on Xenonion News this morning:

“East is joining a number of galactic celebrities that have changed their name to What Was Will Be.” Stars In The Stars celebrity reporter Vapid Smith offered more in-depth analysis on Xenonion this morning. “We saw it first with socialite Kym Calrissian after she went on that strange pilgrimage to the Gargantua Black Hole, and more recently with Blorg pin-up model Mercedes Romero. It seems to be the hottest thing going - we haven’t seen this much fervor on Earth since Scientology became the majority shareholder in Catholicism.”

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Little is known about this new religious movement, as Smith continued; “It’s been really hard to get any info. All I know for sure is a ‘Worm’ figure seems to be at the centre of it all, and there’s a lot of non-descript chatter about gravity being really desirable. Call me old fashioned, but for now I think I’ll stick with the ritualistic blood sacrifices of Scientology’s Old Testament 2.0.”

East has also indicated the ‘WWWB’ moniker will be the title for a new album that will feature over 170 hours of ‘reflective silence.’

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Stage Stormed During Ether Drake's Xenovision Performance

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Organizers of the Xenovision Song Contest are investigating how a stage invader managed to storm the Ether Drake’s performance last night on Tyznnia.

Broadcaster TeleShroud said an inquiry was already under way into the incident, which saw the stage invader immediately devoured by the Ether Drake.

Image: The Ether Drake performing at Xenovision moments before he was interrupted by a stage invader.

Image: The Ether Drake performing at Xenovision moments before he was interrupted by a stage invader.

Xenovision is the galaxy’s longest running annual music contest, currently in its 863rd year with over 20,000 species competing. Each participant submits an original song which is performed during the 3-7 month long contest, and viewers vote to determine the winning entry. The process was originally devised by the Galactic UN as a tool to foster interstellar peace, but that immediately came undone following the Blorg's first entry in the contest in 2150 with 'Riverdance.'

The Ether Drake’s performance of ‘Baby Drake’ was highly anticipated and billed as a ‘comeback’ from his recent year long stint at in rehab at St. Frontier Hospital for eating fans.

Unfortunately the graphic incident dented support from xenophiles, the program’s largest target audience, and the Ether Drake placed second last out of 21,135 entrants.

Indie band Spectral Wraith won the contest with their ethereal dance number ‘Pulsars.’ They had long been an early favourite, alongside The Great Khan’s angsty power ballad ‘Mid Game Crisis’ which finished in second place.

Image: The vote was extremely narrow between the top two entrants at this year's Xenovision.

Image: The vote was extremely narrow between the top two entrants at this year's Xenovision.

Following the event, the Ether Drake tweeted;

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TeleShroud have announced the stage invader’s remains will be detained for questioning, once they have been released by the Ether Drake’s several kilometre long digestive tract.

This year’s contest was its most watched, with an average of 39 billion viewers watching live, with 5.9 billion catching up later with TeleShroud’s Temporal Fold Rewind Time function.

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Royal Family Confirm Prince to Wed Prethoryn Queen

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Prince Harren IV of the Habsburg dynasty has said he knew The Prethoryn Queen was “the one” from the moment they met, as the couple made their first public appearance since the announcement of their engagement.

The Prince, 33, declared he is “thrilled” as he and the Queen, a xeno of unknown age and species, posed for an open-air photocall at the Grand Habsburg Palace.

Their surprise engagement was confirmed yesterday by Empress Maria Theresa XIV, current reigning monarch on the planet of Habsburgia, with a statement saying the couple will marry early next week.

Image: The happy couple give an exclusive interview to our sister magazine HAK!

Image: The happy couple give an exclusive interview to our sister magazine HAK!

Second in line to the Habsburg throne, Harren has been dating the Prethoryn Queen for almost four weeks. Their whirlwind romance has shocked the staunchly pro-human one-planet minor of Habsburgia, especially as it comes only one week after Harren's beloved sister-bride-to-be Maria Theresa XV died under suspicious circumstances.

Harren is said to have met The Prethoryn Queen while undertaking humanitarian work in the Outer Rim, which has been decimated by the ongoing Unbidden invasion. There he came across a new species referring to themselves as ‘The Prethoryn Vanguards’, who introduced the pair.

Celebrity magazine HAK! met with the happy couple for an exclusive interview.

The Prethoryn Queen, while silent except for intermittently vocalizing "HAK", appeared stunning wearing a beautiful silver tiara above her giant bulging eye. Her tendrils were beautifully manicured, visibly wrapped around Harren's torso, and seemingly protruding into his spinal cord via the base of his skull.

The prince, with a glazed look of excitement, stated:

"I am overjoyed. From the moment my Queen penetrated my cervical spine I knew I had to marry her over my sister. I know I must grant her all my landed titles, once I ascend to the throne following my mother and brother disappearing in a tragic hunting accident. I know she will use her power for good, to pit the lesser species against each other, to distract them from the coming storm."

Habsburgia sits on the border of the United Nations of Earth (UNE) and unclaimed space. Governed as an independent irenic monarchy, it was settled in 2090 by descendants of the Habsburg family, an ancient dynasty that previously presided over Earth's largest power in the pre-industrial era, the Holy Roman Empire (HRE).

Earth’s current indirect democracy has not officially recognised the monarchy since its democratization 700 years ago, but despite this the Habsburg dysnasty has flourished, maintaining significant prestige and wealth. With the advent of FTL travel by 2070, they launched a private colony ship towards the Strohl System, with a view to founding a colony and re-establishing their rule. Over 80 years later the colony has been a moderate success, and now has a population of 250,000 humans.

While the UNE has never given its explicit blessing to the Habsburgia project, it tolerates its existence on the condition the planet pays taxation fees to Earth in line with other human colonies.

The galaxy has reacted positively to the news of the engagement, with politicians and high-profile figures offering congratulations. UNE president Jeffrey Rossario stated he was "delighted for the couple and wished them +1 stability."

The couple's full interview will be broadcast later this evening on an exclusive episode of Stars In The Stars.

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Mercedes Romero Crowned Winner of Blorg's Next Top Fungoid

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Award-winning Blorg scientist Mercedes Romero was crowned the winner of Blorg's Next Top Fungoid Season 4 last night.

The gripping finale was broadcast live over the neural net and watched by a record number of 1.3 million Blorgs.

The finale of Blorg’s Next Top Fungoid has aired to record viewership.

Romero, credited with the discovery of the 'Armor +5%' technology, was a fan favorite from the beginning of the reality TV show wherein 15 native Blorg compete to make social contact with any form of sapient life.

She gained notoriety after joining the show as the youngest contestant (aged 135), and became cemented as a fan favorite after exchanging flagella contact with a fellow Blorg contestant in Episode 1.

Romero has subsequently announced plans to make a run for the presidency of the Blorg Commonality, following the paths of previous Next Top Fungoid winners and generations of Blorg scientists before her.

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