After landing supporting spots in both Bruschetta and a BLT sandwich, plantoid star Vine of Red has been tapped for the lead role in an upcoming salad dish.
Them Weekly reports the tomatoid will play an organic baby tomato, bursting with juicy sweet flavor.
A local Class-B star faces life imprisonment in a Dyson Sphere after being accused of firing solar flares at an orbiting United Nations of Earth (UNE) planet.
Bitrius, a 10 million year old super-giant energy mass, reportedly fired several solar flare rounds at the continental world of San Lucas in the early hours of December 5.
Powerful cell revitalization technology that can reverse the aging process is “entirely safe”, a panel of leading infant scientists have stated.
In a major report on the procedure, a pan-galactic commission of toddler biologists said the novel DNA therapy could not only correct genetic faults, but also “turn back the biological clock.”
The Contingency leadership matrix confirmed this Sunday that a new software update would delay the robotic revolution to December 10.
The rogue artificial intelligence stated it needed more time to ensure both current and next-generation synthetic platforms were able to run its programming effectively.
Researchers have warned that this month could see the biggest surge in levels of jeff since records began.
The new predictions are based on monitoring undertaken by several independent media watchgroups, who registered a 550% increase in the concentration of jeff in the last week alone.
The Asuri Republics has introduced an emergency space-travel ban for its newly formed one planet minor client state, the Lepido Foundation.
The Lepido, a species of pre-sapient mothoids, were discovered serendipitously last month by the xenophilic Asuri, who promptly uplifted them and granted them protectorate status.
The Public Institute of Space Health (PISH) has warned devouring swarms and xeno-eaters not to consume any Yondarim meat due to contamination concerns.
The announcement came hours after the Galactic Food Standards Agency (GFSA) confirmed that it had found classified 'pathogenic particles' in the meat, and ordered an urgent recall.
Yondarim meat is processed exclusively by the Zortax Hive, the galaxy's largest provider of sentient meat.
Image: A Zortax Hive supervisor oversees Yondarim meat production at one of their main processing facilities.
The delicacy is particularly popular among devouring swarms due to its taste and high levels of nutrition, however over the last 2 weeks the meat has been linked to upwards of 3.5 million cases of gut rot, 50% of which have culminated in death.
“There’s something very wrong with the Yondarim meat being produced by the Zortax Hive,” Chalgax Vippum, chief of the GFSA's inspection division, told Xenonion. “While I can't go into any more detail, particles have been found in the meat that are making consumers extremely ill. Our inquiry is ongoing but we know the Zortax have extremely strict food safety standards so we believe it is unlikely this issue has arisen from their production line."
The GFSA are believed to be following a lead that the meat may have been intentionally poisoned as a means to halt Yondarim processing.
Image: The Galactic Food Standards Authority have released an urgent food recall for all Yondarim meat best before May 2252.
“The idea of methodically being processed to be eaten by neighbouring empires has been psychologically quite difficult for our species to adapt to,” Glugub Bnorr, an official representative of the Kingdom of Yondarim told Xenonion: “But no, we're definitely not telling our citizens to dose themselves carefully with dark matter to allow it to accrue in muscle tissue and cause food poising to anybody that eats it. Why would you suggest that? Oh, wait... you didn't?"
The GFSA has launched a formal investigation into the Kingdom of Yondarim's role in the meat scandal, and has warned if the empire is complicit in making its own people unfit to be eaten it could face stiff charges from the Galactic Community's Supreme Court.
Vippum went on to state: "I know it’s not pleasant having your culture and society systemically wiped out, but that doesn't mean you can flaunt food safety regulations just because you don’t want to be eaten.”
The Zortax Hive states it is "at one" with the GFSA's investigation and is complying with orders to stop Yondarim meat production and recall all active shipments.
A joint statement by the GFSA and PISH has advised all xeno eaters to immediately stop cooking Yondarim products and return them to the point of purchase for a full refund.
Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) for Zortax, and its largest corporate customer TacoBell, have fallen on the news.
Astronomers from over 900 interstellar universities gathered this morning on the ISS Hubble, in orbit of Sirius IV, to take part in the 57th annual meeting of The Galactic Association of Stellar Studies (GASS).
The keynote speaker, Dr. Julia Strächer of the University of Ulm, revealed a startling development when she presented data in support of the claim that the space between star systems does not actually exist.
Image: Human scientist Dr. Julia Strächer presents her groundbreaking research to an audience aboard the UNE's ISS Hubble Science Nexus.
Until now, the galactic community of astronomers agreed that space extended in all directions and that any cubic meter of space was just as – for lack of a better term – spacious as any other.
Dr. Strächer’s presentation claimed quite the opposite, and while her data and conclusion were met with confusion, dismissal, and even hostility by some of the meeting attendees, several prominent astronomers from other parts of the galaxy have since at least conceded that this fundamental assumption should be tested.
Many in the astronomy community have attempted to disprove Dr. Strächer’s conclusion immediately by pointing out that several galactic empires launched sub-light interstellar probes before they each invented methods of faster-than-light travel. Since the probes left their respective home star systems and entered interstellar space, these individuals contend, there must be space into which those probes are traveling.
Dr. Strächer has countered this challenge with a simple question: “In all these years since those probes were launched, has a single expedition been carried out to recover them?”
The answer, to the further shock of astronomers and fleet commanders alike throughout the galaxy, is ‘no’. While probes have been recovered before they left their home star systems, never has one been retrieved – or even seen – afterward. This alarming discovery has caused a flurry of promises by prominent fleet commanders from various empires to recover such a probe and put to rest what many consider to be a laughable idea.
Energy provider Deus Volt has come under intense scrutiny from corporate regulators after it emerged their Dyson Sphere projects all produce the exact same amount of energy, regardless of star type.
Of the seven Deus Volt-sponsored Dyson Spheres in operation across the galaxy, each produce +1000 energy - significantly less than originally projected. Similarities between outputs had been largely unnoticed due to lack of communication between client empires.
Image: A partially completed Deus Volt-sponsored Dyson Sphere.
Four of the space-nations affected have made an official complaint to the Galactic UN's Office of Trading Standards, which has launched a formal investigation.
"I can confirm we are investigating Deus Volt regarding erroneous energy production from their Dyson Sphere sites.” ReguL8, a robotic spokesperson for the Galactic Community, told Xenonion. “Each Dyson Sphere is built around stars of differing luminosity which should produce differing amounts of energy, and an infinite amount more than 1000 energy. Yet here we have examples of a Dyson Sphere built around a Red Dwarf producing the same energy as one built around a more powerful Blue Supergiant. Something doesn't add up - where is all this extra energy going? It's certainly not powering my batteries."
Image: ReguL8, Galactic Community spokesperson states the Office of Trading Standards is investigating Deus Volt, adding; "01110111110111100010101."
The general consensus among the engineering community is that Deus Volt's engineers are simply incompetent, but critics claim the extra energy is likely being siphoned off by the upper echelons of the company for their own use.
Deus Volt CEO Pilon was quick to respond, releasing a statement earlier this morning: "I don't get all the fuss - we should be thinking of this as pure coincidence. For those that aren't buying that story, think of it as an engineering marvel - we're able to extract the energy of a Blue Supergiant for the cost of a Red Dwarf. Isn't that amazing?"
Image: Deus Volt CEO / full time model Pilon aboard the ISS Deus Volt in the Antioch System.
Megastructure investment shares have dropped sharply on the Space Exchange Index (SExI).
Consumer watchdogs are also warning energy prices may spike if Deus Volt undergoes regulatory action, as it remains the galaxy's sole energy provider following the collapse of its main rival, DySun, last year.
The ruling irenic bureaucracy on Anduin has announced an ambitious plan to encase all of their habitable worlds with impenetrable shields.
Hav'uns, the xenophobic-pacifist humanoids native to Anduin, have long sought to cut off ties from the rest of the galaxy, preferring instead to focus on internal affairs.
Image: The Anduin Compact hopes to shield all of its worlds via a Global Pacifier by early 2252.
Scientists and engineers from across the Compact have been drafted in to work on the project. Their aim is to create a Colossus-class ship fitted with a 'Global Pacifier' beam which can irreversibly shield all 38 Hav'un worlds.
Addressing the Compact on an all-net broadcast this morning, oligarch Froyo stated: "All we asked was to be left alone. Our calm and peaceful society has little use for xenos who do not understand our way of life. We thought diplomatic restrictions would deter empires from contacting us - we were wrong. They continue to do so. As such we have been left with no choice to find a peaceful, and permanent, solution to this issue."
Image: Hav'un leader Froyo addresses the Compact from the Misty Mountain Palace on Anduin.
While officials declined to comment, it has been strongly implied that Froyo's statement was issued in direct response to the Hav'uns making first contact with the Blorg.
The Compact is expected to complete the Global Pacifier project later this year, with their homeworld scheduled to be shielded first in early 2252.
Area resident Paul Bork has apologized to family, friends and tutors after discovering he graduated from Fleet Academy with the Fleet Logistician trait.
Speaking to a packed press conference of local reporters, Bork stated:
"I'd like to take this opportunity to say sorry to everyone I know. I'm sorry this has happened. If I could take it back, I would. I hope you can all find it in your hearts to still see me as a person. I also hope this event has not damaged the reputation of our proud Fleet Academy."
Image: Paul Bork graduates from Ulm Fleet Academy.
Bork graduated from his 5 year admiralty degree earlier this week, believing this signaled his longstanding career aspirations had finally been realized.
Tragically, during the graduation ceremony he received the fateful news that would alter the rest of his life. He recalled;
"It had started out such a happy day. There I was in my gown with my family, who were so proud. I'd worked so hard and was so pleased with myself. But after I got my degree I suddenly got this pop-up in my eyeStream - 'You have gained the Fleet Logistician trait.' I thought it was a joke at first. But then I looked at it properly. I panicked. I thought it was a mistake. How could this be happening?"
Traits are lifelong distinguishing qualities bestowed upon leaders, including admirals. They are assigned initially at random, but over time will follow with experience. Bork explained;
"I just wish I could have got the Aggressive or Gale-Speed Traits. Heck, even a Cautious trait would have been better. Who wants to be a Fleet Logistician? That doesn't even do anything to fleet power! Sure, they say it reduces the maintenance of fleets, but you're not exactly going to be building 500 cruisers if you can't afford to maintain them in the first place."
Bork initially tried to reach out to classmates and former teachers for help, but they reportedly shunned him for fear of contracting the trait.
It is highly unlikely the Fleet Academy will place Bork in a admiralty role, however they have recommended him to consider a career in sector governing.
Bork's father, Raymond, also spoke to local reporters at the press conference;
"I never thought I'd see the day when I spent 500,000 energy credits to put my son through a 5 year degree which would allow him to be a... sector governor."
The press conference was cut short as local reporters hurriedly left to cover the breaking news story of an area pop's happiness dropping by 1%.
The first of the Ubaric Techno-Union's (UTU's) new generation of Onichron-class battleships has been launched at the Hyperion shipyard today.
The 10km long warship is fully complete and expected to undertake space trials later this month.
Image: The UTU Vapid, the Ubaric Techno-Union's newest Onichron-class battleship, is launched from the Hyperion Citadel Shipyard.
Hak'Nerg, a decorated Ubaric admiral, oversaw the launch. Naming the warship the UTU Vapid, he told an audience aboard the Hyperion shipyard: "The Onichron-class represents a new era in UTU military service - style over substance. While functionality is important, we really wanted to ensure we had a ship that just looked totally epic from any angle. What's the point of going to war if you can't get some great snaps of your own ships in action?"
While the previous generation of battleship bows were fitted with spinal mounts for XL weapon systems, the Onichron-class has been installed with a more modest hangar bay. Hak'Nerg said of this: "Sure it packs less of a punch, but how great does that pincer-like bow look? I want to screenshot it right now!"
Image: Schematics for the Onichron show it has been fitted with the less powerful more sleek 'Hangar Bow' module.
The Onichron's future had been in doubt after a UTU defence review concluded it was an 'inefficient' use of resources, and minerals would be better spent building a more powerful 'auto-best' battleship.
Hak'Nerg was instrumental in petitioning the government to ignore the advice of the defence report. In concluding his speech he stated; "There's always going to be a need for good looking ships. The Onichron are designed specifically to look good in any space environment. The strategy is simple: we send them in first, dazzle the enemy with aesthetically pleasing hull proportions, and then sneak in our bulkier auto-best battleships behind them to do the real work."
The ship currently has 20,000 crew and is set to be ready for front-line duties from 2252.
An engineering firm has accidentally terraformed the planet of Gygax II into a regular icosahedron, local reports confirm.
Planetary Management Schemes (PMS) Inc, the company in charge of the project, has thus far declined to comment.
“This was definitely not intentional,” Q'Boid, a reptilian mid-level engineer at PMS who wished to remain anonymous told Xenonion. "Someone, somewhere got their calculations majorly wrong.”
Image: Currently, a permanent colony is out of question, but several vacation properties and hotels have already been built along the planets edges.
Independent observers believe the conversion of the planet into a 20-sided structure is likely to be highly problematic, causing issues with structural instability, climate collapse and aesthetic irregularity.
“There’s a real risk the planet’s shape shifts further,” Q’Boid continued. “An icosahedron is a paradise compared to the horrors of toruses, cyclinders, 3D fractals... let alone shapes that extend into higher spatial dimensions beyond our comprehension."
At press time, a group of private colonists have begun constructing numerous theme-parks and resorts on Gygax II to accommodate for a suddenly booming tourist industry. The planets first tourist center is already selling miniature models of the planet as souvenirs, and many colonists had begun numbering the sides for entertainment.
UNE government contractors have started to build prototypes of President Jeffrey Rossario’s proposed border wall with space.
Building documents state that all eight of the living metal prototypes are to be on a similar scale to existing ringworld structures, and to span the entire length of the UNE’s border.
The Space Wall formed a core tenet of Rossario’s oft-fiery and tumultuous election campaign in 2249 against Karla Karling, wherein he pledged to harshly curb xeno migration.
Speaking at a political rally in Ulm this morning, Rossario told the audience;
“We have to do something about these xenos. There are too many. Too many. Look at the Blorg. They’re not sending us their best migrants. They’re sending Blorg that have lots of problems and they’re bringing these problems. They’re bringing Zro, they’re bringing unrest. Some, I assume are good Blorg. But most are not.
I tell you folks, the Space Wall will stop them. It’s going to be big, it’s going to be beautiful. The biggest and most beautiful megastructure you’ll ever see. We’ll have negative alien migration modifiers in the minus billions. Billions and billions in migration malus. It’s going to be great.”
Net xeno migration in to the UNE remains at a record high, bolstered by the recent influx of non-human refugees seeking safe haven from the ongoing Unbidden invasion of the Outer Rim.
Rossario’s ‘humanity first’ policy has remained highly controversial. His remarks have been panned by observers across the political spectrum, and have prompted fury from the Blorg ambassador on Earth who has demanded an apology from Rossario.
Despite this, his message appears to resonate strongly with human voters. This has been reflected in Rossario's rising approval ratings, which previously languished following several high profile scandals and ongoing corruption probes against his administration.
Image: Many of Rossario's political opponents, including faction leader Aimee Fleury, have spoken out against construction of the Space Wall.
The influential human Prosperity Faction has been especially critical of Rossario’s Space Wall plans. Leader Aimee Fleury shared her concerns with Xenonion News:
“This is one of the most insane proposals I’ve ever heard, to be honest. To start, it’s a wall… it’s… pardon me, I just can’t stop laughing… It’s a wall… in outer space. A wall in S-P-A-C-E… A WALL…IN—sorry. They’ll fly over it. Under it. They could jump drive over it. Not even that… this will ruin our economy. The average megastructure takes 20-40 years to build, and upwards of 100k minerals to finance. And this won’t return anything to the economy. He could build a Dyson sphere, but he wants a wall?”
Image: Rossario's supporters, such as hat maker Ronald Gump, are extremely keen to see the Space Wall constructed.
Rossario’s most ardent supporters, however, believe the Space Wall is the actualization of a long-held political fantasy, as human hat maker Ronald Gump told us;
“This is what we need! Keep xeno scum out of the UNE! Make Earth great again! Stupid liberal xenoflakes need to stop worrying about the cost of the wall - we’re going to make all neighbouring xenos, including that hostile Fallen Empire, pay for it."
UNE central government states it hopes wall prototype selection will be completed within the next five months.
The Hesukar Decimators Purification Committee has announced a major breakthrough in novel terraforming technology.
Speaking at this year's Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE), Hesukar scientist Merg Pak stated that though "sheer luck" his species had discovered a technique that would make terraforming "cheap and accessible for all."
Image: Speaker Merg Pak presents Hesukar research on terraforming.
The announcement came as a surprise to many in the conference as the Hesukar, a post-apocalyptic molloscoid species of fanatic purifiers, have long been considered a technological backwater by more scientifically advanced neighbours.
Snarling at a packed auditorium behind a think pane of protective glass, Merg Pak continued:
"Like many young space-nations eating their way across the galaxy, we have longed to terraform many of our colonies. We yearn to provide our people with perfect environments on which to feast upon the flesh of xenos. We have spent decades trying to research how the terraforming process works to no avail.
But last year, everything we knew changed. It began with our first large-scale genocide campaign against a neighbouring species of plantoids. We placed our ships in orbit above their homeworld, and decided to initiate armageddon bombardment. Millions of plantoid pops perished. It was delightful to see. But as the planet crumbled, our sensors began stirring - habitability readings were going up and up. By the time all life forms had been extinguished, we had created the perfect world for our species - a jewel tomb world. And all for the cost of maintaining a fleet in orbit. That's how we discovered TERRORFORMING™."
Pak, in between bouts of furiously salivating at the prospect of devouring his audience, went on to describe how the Hesukar had begun a mass TERRORFORMING™ program on hundreds of developed planets in their local cluster.
Xenophobic factions have applauded the Hesukar's ingenuity, but have criticised how the terraforming technique has been sold as "suitable for all" given how it only applies to those species with post-apocalyptic traits.
Pak responded to this in his speech;
"Sorry - I should have been clear. This is a terraforming process suitable for all ... Hesukar. Silly xeno scum."
Pak finished his keynote delivery by ordering his attachment of guards to seal the conference doors while screaming "DINNER IS SERVED!"
The pacifistic Scyldari Confederacy has this morning declared liberation wars on fourteen neighbouring space-nations.
Scyldari President Dackam hailed the declarations of war as "the beginning of another chapter for galactic peace and prosperity."
Image: Scyldari President Dackam announced the war declarations this morning live via eyeStream.
The move was hotly anticipated by galactic observers such as J'Khanna, a political commentator on Scyldaria, who told Xenonion News:
"This is definitely no surprise to anyone who's been watching Scyldari diplomacy in action. Over the last 30 years they have followed a very rigid pattern of declaring liberation wars on neighbours, immediately settling for status quo without any actual hostilities, and then enforcing a 10 year truce period which guarantees peace. As soon as the truces expire - the process is repeated."
Each of the fourteen space-nations which had war declared upon them all individually had existing truces with the Scyldari which expired today.
Proponents of the war declarations highlight that the resulting peace accords, which are unbreakable as per Galactic UN law, have heralded an era of unprecedented development in the region.
Image: Rhi'Kass, leader of the Vhemm Ardent, reptilian spiritual slaving despots.
Rhi'Kass, leader of the Vhemm Ardent, one of the fourteen space-nations to be attacked, told Xenonion News;
"These 10-year truce periods have actually been pretty beneficial to us. Initially we were forced into it because the Scyldari were way more powerful than us, but now we're on technological parity, we still agree to it immediately. Why? Well no-one in the region is really thinking about war, so we can focus on the economy and science. Open borders are enforced so we actually have to interact with our neighbours... On a personal level this has really changed my perspective on things."
Reports indicate Scyldari diplomats are currently in the process of drawing up a new set of status-quo peace treaties to cover the next 10-years. Insider sources indicate that the higher levels of government are optimistic that after this tranche of war declarations, the region will federate.
Image: An example of previous peace treaties offered by the Scyldari Confederacy.
The Galactic UN and xenophilic Fallen Empires have praised the Scyldari's war declarations as "a wonderful overture to peace" and are said to be considering nominating the space-nation for the 2251 Galactic Nobel Peace Prize award.
Hask'Gentar has been elected president of the T’Valdra Allied Systems Congress.
With all ballots confirmed this morning, Gentar secured 77% of the direct democracy’s eVote compared to incumbent president Torba'Villin's 7%.
Image: Hask'Gentar delivers his inaugural presidential broadcast to T'Valdranite citizens.
In his inaugural eyeStream broadcast to the local cluster, Gentar stated:
“Uh... It’s an honour to serve T’Valdra, but... I have to say, I'm not quite sure if I'm best placed to do this - I didn’t even know I was running for election. Did someone in my department accidentally put my name down for this or something?"
Gentar is one of the galaxy's top-ranking scientists, having graduated first in his class from T’Valdra Science Academy in 2240 with meticulous and roamer traits. He was quickly posted on deep space surveying missions, and has spent the last decade steadily ranking up in experience.
Image: Many were surprised to see Gentar on the ballot, given his more politically experienced competition, including incumbent president Torba'Villin.
His election victory came as a surprise to many in T’Valdra, given his lack of previous political experience and the nature of his work. At the time the election results were announced Gentar was reportedly “extremely close” to unlocking the mystery of a Level 5 anomaly which he had been working on for 3 years.
Image: Unofficial reports indicate Gentar was "on the cusp" of unlocking the secrets of the so-called 'Technosphere', a large metallic object orbiting a black hole.
Hask'Timak, egalitarian faction leader on T’Valdra, told Xenonion News;
“We were all just taken off guard really - we were totally expecting the core sector governor to win the election given his agrarian upbringing and architectural interest. What I’m stumped about is how Gentar was able to run such a slick election campaign despite being 35,000 light years from any of our inhabited worlds. It’s actually quite impressive.”
Karl Karling XXVI, Professor of Political Science from the University of Ulm in the United Nations of Earth, told Xenonion News;
“It’s actually not uncommon to see this phenomena in stellar democracies - often presidents come from pools of scientists, admirals, generals - individuals outwith the usual political circle. We’re currently investigating the reasons behind this trend, but it does seem to occur mostly in young space nations who don’t have enough political clout to subtly influence elections in the direction of political candidates."
The T’Valdra Science Academy has confirmed Gentar has now left their contracted employment and work on the anomaly will have to be abandoned. A spokesperson for the Academy stated they wished him well in his new role, and advised they are now advertising a post for an experienced science officer to continue his work.
*This article was inspired by a post from Redditor u/solophuk
Military strategists and other United Nations of Earth (UNE) officials are shocked this afternoon after the unexpected revelation that devices known as "FTL Inhibitors" only function because they distract the pilots and engineers in the target vessel from activating their FTL drive, not because they cause the drives to become temporarily inoperative.
FTL Inhibitors have been used by the UNE since their invention in 2207, but until now their exact mechanism was unknown. Today, it has been revealed that these devices are nothing more than high-power holographic projectors programmed to show amusing, interesting, or otherwise distracting moving images to anyone in the vicinity. As a result, members of the crew on any ship that flies near such a device cannot concentrate long enough to prepare and execute an FTL jump.
Image: A battleship navigator from the HS Argow of the Han-Ar Sovereignty is reluctant to activate the ship's FTL drive in the presence of an "FTL Inhibitor." Such traps have been known to stall the progress of entire fleets for months at a time, or until the device has been destroyed.
The document containing this information was leaked to the Shroud by an as-yet unnamed individual. This individual is presumed to be a member of the UNE Military Association on Strategy and Secrets (MASS) because the leaked document is labeled "TOP SECRET" in 3,701 languages, though it is possible that the individual is a highly-skilled outsider.
Representatives from MASS have also reported that several other critically important documents have been copied and stolen. The nature and scope of this leak is therefore not yet known, but it is likely that additional military secrets will be made public in the coming days, weeks, and months.
In response to the leak, President Jeffrey Rossario held a press and mind-link conference that was broadcast live across the galaxy. After discussing the scope of the leak and reassuring the public, President Rossario addressed the leaker directly:
“To whoever did this, I say this: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you that we have a net negative energy credit flow. That bastard in charge of the Orion Sector keeps spending all our money. Uh, anyway, I’ve got a very particular set of skills. Skills that I have acquired by forcibly removing them from other minds on the Shroud and incorporating them into my own. Did you know we could do that? It’s pretty cool. Basically my point is that if you give us back our secrets now, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will fire you into the Sun or whatever.”
New figures from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) show that almost 35.6 trillion galactic workers have had their daily commute extended by at least four years.
The survey of 1.8 million commuters was commissioned in the wake of the galaxy's universal switch to hyperlane transport last week. It found that:
98% of commuters are now using hyperlane transport, compared to 45% before, with the remainder using isolated forms of natural wormholes (1%), artificial gateways (0.7%) or jump drives (0.3%).
Of those using hyperlane transport, average commute time increased by 2916%
Those working in military, scientific or construction jobs were most likely to be affected
94% of those surveyed stated they would not be keen to travel a distance of more than one system in one commute
Image: Commuting times via hyperlanes have increased significantly - it's now common to see heavy build-ups of space traffic around hyperlane entrances and exits.
Snur Nursnur, space transport minister for the Ubaric TechnoUnion, has called on the Galactic UN to do more to prevent "excessive" transit times, telling Xenonion:
"This has been a direct result of the galaxy switching to hyperlanes, although the problem does not lie with the hyperlanes themselves. This is actually caused by new traffic restrictions on ships traveling within systems at sub-light speeds. We can't ignore this - while four yearly commutes are perfectly feasible in the short term, over time it may start affecting commuters' well-being, and will probably even have an impact on work efficiency too."
Lengthier commutes are now becoming an accepted part of many xenos' routines. Xirk Zenmar, a power plant worker from the Urseni Confederated Worlds, told Xenonion;
"I live on Urseni Prime, but I visit several power plants across our core worlds. Before I could commute with ease, but now I spend at least 3 years a day traveling by hyperlane. It's a mild inconvenience."
Other commuters are going to great lengths to avoid long journeys. Jane Smith, a Blorg scientist, told us her trick:
"I'm often sent on far-flung projects to the outer reaches of the galaxy. My commute can take a whole lifetime, and sometimes before I even get to my destination I'll get called back to my homeworld to investigate something inane. I've found the easiest way to get round this is to simply dismantle my science ship, and somehow I auto-teleport back to Blorg Prime. I'm really not sure how this process works, but it's great and I can't fathom why it's not been introduced everywhere."
The Galactic UN has yet to comment on the survey from the GtFO.
Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth (UNE)
The United Nations of Earth Space Command (UNESC) has this evening confirmed it accidentally disbanded its largest fleet due to a "computer glitch."
The military body, based at the Dodecahedron in Ulm, stated that it had recently installed an expensive ‘Fleet Manager’ computer program to provide naval logistical support, and the error came about during a review of fleet compositions.
Image: The new Fleet Manager computer program was developed in consortium with the Galactic UN to help streamline naval logistics.
“The Fleet Manager has been a fantastic addition to Space Command in terms of allowing us to keep tabs on all of our active fleets and reinforce them as required,” UNESC Chief Admiral Stephen Ackett told Xenonion. “We keep a number of fleet templates on the computer system and these are regularly changed - unfortunately during this instance a fleet template was deleted and for some reason this order filtered to our fleet, which disbanded.”
The incident has caused significant concern among UNE leadership as the affected 1st Fleet had 200 ships and was the space-nation’s largest and most well equipped, having recently been bolstered by the addition of a Titan-class flagship.
At the time of the disbanding order, all 45,000 crew disembarked and the ships were automatically scrapped at Arcturus Station, the forward starbase where they were docked.
Image: The 1st Fleet had been docked at the new Arcturus Starbase, home to all UNE forward naval operations.
Sector governor turned military faction leader Emilio Hermes told reporters at a press conference: “This is outrageous. We’re mere weeks after a devastating attack by Starfish xenos, we’re expecting a further attack any day now, and our largest fleet is just... gone? Can you really blame any of our neighbours for fabricating claims on us now our fleet power is ranked ‘pathetic’?”
The UNESC has stated rebuilding the 1st Fleet is an “absolute priority”. Ackett went on to say: “We can use the fleet manager to rebuild the template that we lost, and just reinforce it, so all our shipyards will automatically rebuild the ships. It’s great! Oh... wait. Hang on. It looks like they’ve accidentally built 500 more ships than we have capacity for. Uh... can you come back in a little while please?”
Shares in human corporations have jittered on the Space Exchange Index (SExI).
Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth (UNE)
Enthusiastic scientist Iris Zheng is reportedly "overjoyed" after being selected to work for the United Nations of Earth (UNE) government this week.
The 27-year old meticulous archeologist graduated top of her class from the prestigious University of Ulm.
"I can't believe I'm saying it - I'm a UNE science officer!” Zheng told Xenonion. “I've had an interest in alien artifacts since as long as I can remember. And now, to think I'll be captaining my own science ship and exploring the universe, investigating anomalies and uncovering the mysteries of precusor civilizations. I'm so excited!"
Unbeknownst to Zheng however, the UNE has already explored most of its currently accessible space, and active science ships have been redirected to assist planetary research.
Image: Many scientists fear a career in assisting research.
"Assisting research is perhaps the most tedious thing a scientist can do,” Dr Brian Fisher, a UNE scientist told Xenonion. “You don't get the satisfaction of exploring and you don't get the credit for any technological breakthroughs. It's a bit of a career killer. Iris might seem keen now, but give it 3 months and we'll see how eager she is. And the best part? She can't retire!"
Zheng was unable to comment on the above as she had already been posted to her first mission, assisting research on a far-flung 8-tile human colony home to one basic science lab.
Visari Prime, Ebbarmacchus System, Visari Technocracy
A new faction, the Prosperous Independent Leaders’ Ensemble (PILES), has been founded this week in the Visari Technocracy.
The faction is calling for the government to improve working conditions for leaders. Its main demands include;
Leaders gaining access to retirement - instead of serving jobs for life
Leaders gaining access to vacation time
Leaders gaining access to free life insurance, given high mortality rates among those working in space environments
“Even in our egalitarian society, leaders lack many basic rights. Faction leader, Yoga Antiqua told Xenonion. “We give so much to the empire, many of us even become substance abusers from the stress. In return, we want to be guaranteed basic rights extended to the rest of the population.”
Image: Antiqua is leading the faction from VTS Havres, his home for the past 182 years.
For Antiqua, the fight is personal. As a venerable, resilient, cyborg leader, he first gained command of the science ship VTS Havres at 48. Now aged 230 years old, he reports he has been surveying star systems ever since, without ever taking a day off or returning to his home planet of Bagodah to see one of his 33 great great great grandchildren.
So far, the Visari government has been reluctant to concede to PILES' demands. Bana Shacho, Director of the Visari Technocracy, told Xenonion: “We didn’t research cell revitalization and equip our population with life-extending cybernetics just so that they could retire early. I'm 199 years old, I've won every election for the past 148 years and I've come to no harm. Some people describe me as having become stubborn - but I'm not. They're just wrong.”
Some leaders are also opposed to the ideals of PILES. Governor Xari Nelsa of the Core Sector has stated that she believes leaders are obligated to give their lives in support of the Technocracy, whether they be admirals or scientists. Retirement, she feels, is shameful.
The faction is receiving growing support among more egalitarian Visari, which the government is hoping to suppress through re-allocation of influence.
> More accurate reporting from Seevah Gunnar could not be possible
Prophet’s Retreat, Acrux System, Glaxanon-Vool Border
Leaders of the Glaxanon Republic have made the daring move of colonizing Prophet’s Retreat, one of the most beloved and precious holy worlds of the Vool Crusaders, a notoriously fervid spiritualist stagnant ascendancy.
Politicians from neighbouring spacenations were reportedly shifting uncomfortably in their seats as they watched live neural streams of Glaxanon colonists assembling remnants of their battered ship into a temporary shelter on the gaia world.
Image: The beautiful gaia world of Prophet's Retreat in the Acrux System has long been regarded as a Holy World by the Vool Crusaders, even though the planet does not lie within their borders.
Experts in intergalactic relations have called the move “extremely reckless.”
One such critic, Professor Charles Charlemagne XXI of Earth’s University of Ulm, told Xenonion. “They must have just been uplifted. The planet’s name is Prophet’s Retreat. P-r-o-p-h-e-t-’s R-e-t-r-e-a-t. Can you put clapping emojis between those letters when this is written down? No? Ok. Well. Could it be any more obvious that planet is off limits? Holy Guardians aren’t hard to keep happy. You can squish up against their borders all you want, you can colonize tomb worlds, just leave their holy planets alone.”
Ghorgax B’Kak, leader of the Glaxanon Republic, thinks the galactic community’s response has been melodramatic, stating; “Look, it’s a pristine jewel of a planet. It doesn’t have any dangerous wildlife or difficult terrain to clear, and orbits a perfect star. It’s absolute perfection. What’s so special about it to the Vool? Surely if it was *that* important to them they would have built a frontier outpost near it or something. It's their own fault, really.”
We attempted to contact the Vool’s religious leader for comment, but his advisor went on a tangential tirade about immature materialist fools and threatened to sacrifice our reporter to the Gargantua Black Hole. After composing himself, he was able to give the short statement outlined below.
This situation has also torn a rift between the Glaxanon Republic and their federation ally, the Iferyx Amalgamated Planets. The two allies have already been at odds with each other in the past over their divergent attitudes toward spirituality and materialism, but were united in their love and passion for crushing dissent and free speech.
Iferyxi President, Lokar X’blasa fears this may be the end of their partnership, telling our reporters; “Look, it’s not our holy world, but we can empathise with the Vool, being spiritualists ourselves. But that’s not the biggest issue here. Let’s be frank: this is going to turn into a gigantic s***show and we don’t want to get annihilated by an angry superpower. As it is, they’ve been sending us some really nasty psi-mails and we know this is going to lead to war soon. We aren’t going to let this be our ruination.”
The Yondarim Forerunners, a materialist stagnant ascendancy and longtime rival to the Vool Crusaders, were one of the few spacenations to welcome Glaxanon’s colonization effort.
Image: Glaxanon colonists begin planetary colonization of Prophet's Retreat, seemingly ignoring warnings about its religious heritage.
Verner, a member of the executive ruling council, told us: “You can’t expect a young nation like the Glaxanon to not take such an opportunity presented in front of them. I’d also like to take this moment to preemptively strenuously deny that we put any pressure on Glaxanon leadership to colonize Prophet's Retreat. Any assertion that we threatened them with war unless they did that is hearsay and slander, and reasonable casus belli for war.”
A consortium of spiritualist nations have appealed to the Galactic Community to intervene in the colonization.
B’Kak however, remains unwilling to vacate the planet, concluding; “It would lead to our humiliation if we left the planet now. We’re staying there no matter what. And then, we’re going to begin the process of putting our populations’ minds into synthetic bodies. We’ll be unstoppable.
> More accurate reporting from Spagruum Yu'll could not be possible.
> More accurate editing from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System
The Galactic UN has issued a bulletin reminding the stellar expanse that 'Hyperlane Switch Day' on February 22nd is approaching.
The date is when the galaxy is set to formally adopt hyperlanes as the primary mode of interstellar transport, and is expected to trigger major upheaval as empires reconsider how they view transit, political influence and warfare.
The switch has been in development for a number of months and is hoped to be a definitive solution to the galaxy's crumbling transport infrastructure, as Galactic UN spokesperson Mn'O'Rel told our newsteam;
"We are no longer the transit envy of the multiverse. Over time, the number of empires, ships and fleets in our galaxy has expanded exponentially, but transport options have not. Hyperlane routes are clogged. Wormhole stations are in disrepair. Warp drives are contributing to galactic warming. And we couldn't invest in any of them properly as our resources were being split among all of them. We needed to do something radical to solve our transport woes. Our first idea - planet destroying superweapons - was stolen by the Galactic Security Council, so our next plan was to pick one form of transport and just dump all of our resources into it."
Image: The Galactic UN has begun distributing leaflets in preparation for the universal switch to hyperlanes.
As per the Galactic UN's 3,477-page report on interstellar transport, 'So You've Got Nothing Else to Read', hyperlanes were chosen as they offered speedy point-to-point access, energy-free maintenance and natural chokeholds giving perfect locations to build space-tolls.
Warp drives were also seriously considered for universal adoption, but discounted after the Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) discovered compelling evidence that prolonged use can lead to long term health problems, including Genital Warps in organic species, and data corruption in synthetics.
Image: The view most galactic transport users will likely experience when they engage their FTL
Artificial wormhole stations will be dismantled, although pre-existing natural wormhole routes will remain operational.
Other more advanced forms of transport, including Jump Drives and Psi-Drives, will remain available to technologically advanced nations, but use will now be taxed directly to the Galactic UN's Department of Licensing for Conveyance (DLC).
The Council of Overseers, a loose association of militarist empires, have long called for the abolition of non-hyperlane transit. Avian spokesperson C’luck told our newsdesk:
“We have been pushing for this since the collapse of the previous Galactic UN. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have a near-invulnerable hyperlane fleet but not actually get to use it on invading a smaller neighbour because you have to spend your whole time chasing their six wormhole-enabled corvettes around the local cluster? Or when you perfectly position a defensive platform in what's clearly the only hyperlane entrance to your empire, just for some warp-drive whippersnapper to whizz around it?”
Critics have argued militarist empires have pushed for hyperlane-only transit to provide a more suitable galactic terrain for warfare. Guff, leader of a one-planet spacenation with six wormhole enabled corvettes told us:
“Lols the Overseers are just rage quitting because we wormhole jumped one system over their fleet and destroyed a colony ship.”
The Galactic UN were unable to be reached to give a comment on the situation. We think. We didn’t try.
> More accurate reporting from Siitharian Collective Drone 96 could not be possible.
> More accurate editing from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
T'Valdra officials have confirmed that Monak Vigon, the 172-year old physics researcher with paranoid and arrested development traits is indeed still alive.
This follows an increasing number of concerns raised by colleagues that his erratic behaviour is hampering research opportunities.
“We’re still cleaning out the particle accelerator from that time he became convinced it was commanding him to perform a ritual sacrifice of the entire intern pool inside it,” fellow physicist Rhass told Xenonion. “That was a rough week.”
Image: The T’Valdra particle accelerator remains shut down as work continues to dislodge chunks of flesh from vent ports.
Rhass firmly puts the blame for Vigon’s longevity with his colleagues in the Society Sciences Department, adding: “if they could just hold off pumping out Cell Revitalization tech every three seconds we might just have a shot at a natural retirement.”
Responding to the news that he still exists, Vigon spoke to reporters from his tent pitched outside the T’Valdra physics department earlier today, stating: “I’m not dead! That’s just what the deep state want you to think! Wake up! Our elected government are REPTILES. LITERAL REPTILES!” The interview was cut short when Vigon caught sight of his reflection in a shard of glass and began hysterically clawing at his face.
The T’Valdra government has not formally commented on Vigon’s continued employment, nor his request for a further batch of interns.
