Barista Bemused As Area Leader Tries To Pay For Coffee With Unity
United Nations of Earth (UNE) barista Tony Valdez was left bemused this Saturday afternoon after his local Governor Sarah Harding attempted to pay for her espresso with a new currency called ‘Unity.’ Pulling nothing from her bag, she offered this to Valdez, who awkwardly mumbled something about not accepting literal air as currency.
Empire Leaves Note On Shielded Planet To Say Primitives Are Fine
After shielding a local primitive planet, officials from the Voor Technocracy have left a giant note on the spherical pane to let passers-by know that species are fine. The note states: “Please don’t break the shield. The A/C is on. They have water and are listening to their favourite music.”
Transit Authority Rejects Hyper Relay Network For More Cost-Efficient Ride-Share Hyperlane
The Transit Authority for the Urseni Empire has rejected a proposal to upgrade its hyperlane system with a ‘hyper-relay network’, instead opting for a more “cost-efficient” ride-share sublane to open within hyperlanes, repurposed from old shoulder lanes.
Scientists Unveil New Translation Device For Flagella-Waving Species
Scientists from the UNE have unveiled new cutting edge technology to aid communication with flagella-waving species. The products are currently in testing, and expected to be rolled out early next year, once consensus is reached as to whether the adorable faces are required.
Galactic Senate Proceedings Suspended As Officials Just Keep Incoherently Screaming "I AM THE SENATE" At Each Other
Proceedings in the Galactic Senate had to be halted after officials engaged in raucous behavior, repeatedly screaming “I AM THE SENATE” at each other incongruously. When the Senate Majority Leader Jeffrey threatened to implement disciplinary Order 66, the screaming only intensified.
Rescuers Race To Depressurize, Deoxygenate Beached Space Amoeba
Text goes here
Tech Giant Unveils New Sapient Smartphone That Feels Just As Anxious As Its Users
Text goes here
Area Clerk Pushing Back Existential Crisis To Q4
Automatic Research System Just Astute Octopus In Jar
The Ubaric Techo-Union (UTU) have confirmed this Friday that their new ‘Automatic Research System’ is in fact just a very astute octopus in a jar, which when given a selection of screens with hypothetical technologies, shrewdly points with its tentacles as to which one the space-nation should pick to develop next. The UTU report the octopus’ success with sports fixtures has been “more variable”, however.
Shroud Outage Sees Psionic Users Frantically Faxing Inane Thoughts To Each Other
Text goes here
Dramatic Rise in Workplace-Related Injuries Following Opening of New Aquatic Deck on Interstellar Assembly
Officials for the Interstellar Assembly have confirmed the number of claims for work-place related injuries has risen dramatically following the inauguration of a new aquatic-deck aboard the space station. In response, officials have pledged to invest in nearly 30 new strategic ‘wet floor’ signs which can float in high-risk areas.
Area Admiral Unsure Where Fleet Parked In Coalition Force
Text goes here
Queue For Area Planet's Singular Corporate Branch Office Enters 128th Day
Reports from Hyperion’s singular branch office of GalBank indicate that queues to reach the three customer service agents on shift has now reached its 128th day, with a number of fatalities recorded. The corporation has apologized, but states it is unable to open or expand branch office facilities due to stringent planet zoning laws.
Official Red-Faced After Spelling Error Leads To Purchase Of Erotic Gases
United Nations of Earth (UNE) customs official John Cruz was left red-faced early this morning after it was discovered he had not ordered ‘Exotic Gases’ as expected, but instead ‘Erotic Gases.’ Sources close to Cruz highlight is awaiting a “really awkward” conversation with his line manager within the next hour.
Area Hyperlane Blocked By Huge Container Ship
The Kessel Span hyperlane, a major shipping route across the Mid-Rim, has become blocked by a giant container ship, which has somehow become lodged within the hyperlane. Work is now underway to try and free the ‘Evergreen’, which is now causing shipping chaos across the cluster.
Scientist Breaks Galactic Speed Record During Ship Transfer
Unbidden-Led Council Dismiss Claims Regarding Unbidden Threat To Galaxy
Text goes here
Insomniac Ring World Residents Subject To Perpetual Sunlight Encouraged To Try Sleep Hygeine Techniques
Text goes here
Area Official Steps Out Of Shower And Realizes All Too Late He Forgot To Turn Off Shared Sensors
Text goes here
