Pompous Purist Envoy Will Only Negotiate With Own Reflection In Mirror
NEWS IN PICTURES | VOOR TECHNOCRACY | 19.10.2259
A pompous purist Voor envoy refused to engage with any peers aboard the Interstellar Assembly this week, instead insisting on negotiating exclusively with their own reflection.
Witnesses state the envoy, draped in ceremonial silk and radiating what experts describe as “weaponized smugness,” spent six hours delivering impassioned speeches to a full-length mirror.
Sources within the delegation claim this is “standard pompous purist diplomatic protocol,” designed to ensure they’re “only exposed to intelligent life.”
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Lost Colony Knows Exactly Where It Is
NEWS IN PICTURES | UNITED NATIONS OF EARTH (UNE) | 31.08.2259
The lost human colony of New Roanoke has confirmed it is fully aware of its own location.
“We’ve always known where we are,” Governor Eliza Montrose told Xenonion. “Our cities are right here on the planet surface. The stars are right above us every night. If anyone’s lost, it’s the United Nations of Earth, because they clearly can’t find us.”
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Calamitous Birth Followed By Baby Shower
NEWS IN PICTURES | GNEISS WORLDS | 27.07.2259
Local lithoids gathered this weekend to celebrate the arrival of Groxite’s first pebble, in what guests described as “a lovely afternoon of snacks, seismic activity and mild structural damage.”
Various rocks, boulders, and mineral deposits attended the event at Groxite’s suburban home, bringing traditional gifts like polished gravel to the motionless pebble swaddled in a home-knitted blanket.
“Everything has happened so fast,” Groxite told Xenonion as guests played Guess the Pebble’s Mineral Composition in the background. “One minute you’re plummeting through the atmosphere at terminal velocity, the next you’re being discharged from the impact crater with a beautiful little nugget. I still have planetary crust in places I didn’t know I had!”
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Engineer Has No Idea How Or Where To Start Building Ringworld
NEWS IN PICTURES | THELSAMAR UNION | 21.07.2259
Ringworld engineer Varkan has admitted he is “completely winging it” after being tasked with beginning construction on the galaxy’s most expensive megastructure.
“Do I just… pick a random point in orbit and hope the rest of it lines up later?” Varkan asked, gesturing vaguely at empty space. “I guess we're about to see what 300 trillion alloys and a dream can achieve..."
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