Hivemind Wins 100% Of Drone Vote In Landslide Telepathic Election Victory
Saiiban Prime, Nos Bana, Saiiban Hivemind
The Saiiban Hivemind has secured a 53rd consecutive term in power, following a stunning election victory on its homeworld of Saiiban Prime.
Setting a galactic record, the election was completed after only ten microseconds. 100% of Saiiban population drones voted unanimously for the only candidate on the telepathic ballot.
Broadcasting via intrusive visual hallucinations to all sentient creatures in the local cluster, the Hivemind elect declared:
"We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one."
Jubilant scenes were reported across Saiiban Prime, with millions of drones clapping slowly, and somewhat menacingly, in unison.
Local drone 3929 was eager to explain to our newsteam why he had voted for the Hivemind:
"We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one."
The Galactic UN, previously sceptical of the legitimacy of the election due to the lack of viable candidates, applauded the exceedingly high voter turnout and is now officially encouraging all democratic nations to consider adopting Hivemind protocols to foster further interstellar democracy.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
Fallen Empire Rallies Overwhelming Peacekeeping Fleets to “Save Neighbors from Themselves”
Peacekeeping fleets have tonight been deployed by the Techzid Shard after neighbouring space-nations refused to accept its demands to abandon research into Artificial Intelligence and other research which it has deemed “dangerous.”
Issuing an ultimatum early this morning from the Techzid’s monolithic ringworld structure, Representative Rax’Glor stated: “We have deemed anything beyond putting on solar panels on your space stations is dangerous. In fact, perhaps even that is a bit too dangerous. Abandon it, or else.”
Rax’Glor then went on a lengthy monologue, referring to the Techzid being “very friendly at heart”, but friends who “just so happened to have XL Tachyon Lances and weren’t afraid to use them.”
Image: The Techzid’s peacekeeping fleets keep the peace by peacefully destroying a neighbouring empire’s research station.
Several space-nations immediately agreed the above terms, with the majority voluntarily reverting to pre-FTL states and asking to be removed from galactic maps.
CybrexCorp and Taco Bell, two of the galaxy’s largest MegaCorps which have invested heavily in AI have called the move “draconian.” As a precaution, Taco Bell have closed several hundred of their automated branches close to the Techzid Shard.
In response to the above, an addendum was released by the Techzid stating Taco Bell would be exempt from the AI for “the greater galactic good.”
Major Delays Expected as Hyperlane Construction Begins
Interstellar traffic between United Nations of Earth (UNE) core worlds faces major disruption this weekend following the closure of eastbound and westbound routes between Sol and Alpha Centauri as construction begins on a new hyperlane expressway.
The project, approved in 2245, aims to reduce the daily commute between Sol and Alpha Centauri to less than six months, by completely demolishing Barnard’s Star.
Image: Diversions are now in place via Procyon.
The improvements, which are expected to take 35,000 years to complete, are the latest in a series of 500 trillion energy credit infrastructure investments aimed at cementing Earth's rising status as a center of galactic commerce and corruption.
The largely undeveloped Barnard’s Star has struggled to cope with high volumes of sublight traffic queuing at hyperlane exits and hybrid mining-service stations. However, conservationists have reacted angrily to the plans, warning construction would threaten both the natural habitat of endangered ancient mining drones and the gargantuan piles of floating rubbish which have been designated as culturally significant landmarks.
The Galactic Transit Authority (GTA) has dismissed these concerns, stating that although a similar conclusion was reached in its own environmental analysis, the results were immediately scrapped at the prospect of a mildly shorter commute.
Commuters are warned to expect significant delays, with diversions via the Procyon park-and-ride facility in place.
Watch Live: The latest space traffic news, via Xenonion’s Traffic Sentry Array.
Exciting New Archeological Findings on Earth
United Nations of Earth (UNE) archeologists have announced a major discovery of human proto-technology at an excavation site on the outskirts of Ryukyu, Earth's second largest city.
The objects of interest, several thin plastic discs, are believed to be a basic electronic storage units. Composite analysis confirms the discs are over 250 years old, dating back to the 1990s.
Image: One of the flimsy electronic storage units. This one has been dubbed “Phloppy” in honor of the human who first found it
The find was made by accident last month, when construction workers clearing an industrial wasteland uncovered a semi-intact structure called 'Walmart'. After the significance of the site was realised, specialist archeologists were dispatched to what has now been confirmed as a human digital-age marketplace, the best preserved of its kind.
Though any historical discovery always captures the imagination, the sheer value of the haul has UNE arthropologists very excited, as Dr. Montana Jones of Ryukyu's Three Mountains University explained: "These are first class historical documents. Digital age humans, although effectively a pre-sapient species by modern standards, were known to crudely record information electronically. And that information must have been important if they went to the effort of saving it. If we are somehow able to decode and translate this information, we may finally shed some light on what actually happened during that time period."
At the turn of the 21st century human rule stretched across Earth, although power was dispersed between several warring nation states. A series of large scale continental conflicts saw the Holy Roman Empire emerge as a global power under the stewardship of Ulm, which would ultimately democratically reform into a prototype world government - a precursor to today's United Nations of Earth.
Dr. Montana Jones continued: "Advanced optical analysis show the discs are labelled with an unusual marking; 'XXX'. What's fascinating about this is we think it's handwritten [a human practice that was common pre-2100]. These discs are extremely rudimentary - electromagnetic pulsation suggests they may only have 0.0000012 zetabytes of information. Unfortunately our computer systems today are too powerful to comprehend information so small, and we may have to build a new system from scratch to allow it to interface with the discs."
The UNE's Social Science Academy has announced a special project into investigating the discs, and is hoping to disseminate the information retrieved live on a special pan-galactic broadcast.
Alien Pets Face Extinction, New Report Warns
Aliens Pets could become extinct within months, a new report from the Society of Space Wildlife, Animals and Gigafauna (SWAG) warns.
Society of SWAG highlights a "perfect ecological storm" that formed in the wake of yesterday's devastating asteroid impact on Andromeda II, the now inhospitable homeworld of a very popular species of Alien Pets.
Alien Pets are famed across the galaxy for being docile, easily domesticated and generally adorable companions. Their characteristic florescent green coat is highly prized by fashion brands seeking to produce practical, yet stylish, high visibility clothing.
Humorous videos of Alien Pets falling over or guiding starships to dock at intergalactic spaceports (with disastrous consequences) draw trillions of daily eyestreams on the NeuralNet, almost on parity with mechanically augmented Earthborne felines.
Image: Seconds before impact, a security camera captures the final moments of an Alien Pet flock
Galactic demand for Alien Pets has long outstripped supply due to the species' fragile health - most perish after only 2-3 months of life owing to a rare genetic disease, Exploding Organ Syndrome (EOS).
Following the Andromeda II disaster, Alien Pet prices have risen exponentially, with many consumers now turning to underground black markets such as the notorious 'Steam Workshop' to try and procure remaining supplies.
Several empires have pledged to try and resolve the situation, with xenophiles offering to terraform planets similar to Andromeda's biome, and materialists announcing rapid cloning programs. Terror groups and rogue space-nations, which rely on Alien Pets' highly combustible organs to manufacture cheap biobombs, have appealed for donations.
In the interim, Curators have suspended official trading of all Alien Pets until further notice. Galactic shares on the composite Space Exchange Index (SExI) closed down on the news.
UNE President Accidentally Uploads Mental State to Shroud
United Nations of Earth (UNE) president Jeffrey Rossario has been left red-faced this evening after it emerged he accidentally uploaded his entire mental state to the Shroud, a mysterious psionic dimension believed to be capable of holding more than 400 zetabytes of information.
It's not clear when or how President Rossario's mental state was uploaded, with officials in Earth's capitol Ulm stressing that all government personnel are expressly ordered not to back up any mental information to the Shroud due to its insecure cortical firewall settings. A special project has been issued to attempt to remove the information from the Shroud, but it has so far been fruitless. Until the required technologies have been researched, all of Rossario’s thoughts will remain continuously accessible to anyone with psionic capabilities or a TeleShroud enabled fax machine.
Image: Rossario inside the UNE Congress chamber in Ulm, Earth.
UNE fleet admirals have expressed concern that the president's knowledge of sensitive military and political information now could be freely floating in psionic-space, where it may be accessed by the other empires of the galaxy.
This follows in the wake of a political scandal involving former UNE governor and outspoken xenophobe Emilio Hermes, who inadvertently uploaded explicit mental imagery of himself with Blorg model Mercedes Romero to the Shroud last month, to the horror of both the Blorg species and his wife. Whether other UNE officials are at risk of accidentally connecting their minds to the Shroud or not is still being investigated.
President Rossario has so far refused to comment regarding the above. However, our newsteam was able to obtain his most recent mental state from the Shroud tonight, in which his stream of thought read:
"This is really, really awkward. Like seriously. God. How did this happen? I really hope they can't see what I'm thinking right now. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts."
Image: President Rossario’s thoughts echo across the vast psychic dimension
Researchers Discover Method That Allows Ships To Fly Not Only Side to Side, but Up and Down
Engineers from the Voor Technocracy claim they have achieved a breakthrough in fleet design which allows ships to not only fly side to side, but also up and down.
The announcement was made today at the Voor Academy of Engineering, where scientists unveiled the galaxy’s first hyperdrive engine capable of the maneuvers.
Although no ship has been constructed as yet, and the design remains highly classified, the 30-minute demonstration showed computer generated images of what the movements would look like. In addition to movement in a 3D plane, the engines also reportedly allow ships to reverse and parallel park.
Image: The Voor technocracy hopes the new ship design can be fully functional by 2255.
The response to the announcement has been mixed. A consortium of engineers and ship-building MegaCorps have released a joint statement condemning the breakthrough as a hoax, stating quote “it clearly violates the laws of physics,” and “it’s not like we’re in some sandbox simulation where these parameters can just be adjusted at will.”
The Galactic Community has yet to formally comment on the development, but insider reports suggest security analysts are concerned regarding the “unknowns” of introducing “rogue Z-axises.”
In other news, several Fallen Empires have formed a coalition against the Voor Technocracy, and have called on the Galactic Community to join them in “cleansing the unpure.”
Vassal Requests Assistance, Overlord Outraged
Emissaries from the Hudaar Reach have confirmed this Monday that their subject, the Veenoy Dominion, has been released and a rivalry declared.
The diplomatic break was confirmed by Hudaar High Chief Weeal, who stated in a press conference: "In our thousand years of existence, the Hudaar species have never been so offended. Today, one of our youngest vassals broke all manner of diplomatic tradition. They approached us and asked us to… [lengthy pause]… trade technology."
The press conference was cut short due to commotion and shock within the predominantly Hudaari press pool.
The Galactic Council has warned the Veenoy Dominion that its actions were "thoughtless" and may contravene galactic law.
It is believed this is in reference to Articles 5 and 401-521B of the Galactic Charter on Diplomacy, which respectively state that technologies can only be traded obtusely in the form of research agreements, and that technologically backwater vassals are forbidden from being outlandish.
Image: It is believed the Veenoy were hoping to trade their rudimentary warp drive technology for the Hudaar’s advanced hyperdrive engines
Following the press conference, several neighbouring empires have declared the Veenoy as rivals and are considering forming a coalition in protest of "grave crimes against the galaxy" as one senior Hudaarian emissary described the situation to Xenonion.
A Veenoy reporter at the press conference tried to justify the dominion's actions, stating his government thought it would make sense for two allied nations to share technology. High Chief Weeal retorted "there's a difference between allies and vassals" before jumping into the audience and bludgeoning the reporter to death, to the cheers of the frenzied press attaché.
Unverified reports are now filtering through that Veenoy civilians on their capitol of Veenoia are being evacuated off-world by slow moving warp transports.
Economy Once Again Ruined for the Sake of Science
Diplomats from the newly formed fungoid Stellar Expand have negotiated a twenty year research agreement with their technologically advanced avian neighbours, the Oy'Rhii Technocracy.
Details surrounding the trade deal are highly classified, but most galactic economists suspect the Stellar Expand will be paying a significant sum in energy credits and minerals for rights to Oy'Rhii technology, perhaps many times in excess of their base value.
The shrewd Oy’Rhii are notorious for luring fledgling civilizations with seemingly advanced technology like ‘Armour II’ for what initially appears to be a reasonable price, but later becomes economically crippling.
Image: Diplomats from the Stellar Expand and Oy’Rhii Technocracy announce research pact at a joint conference
Lead negotiator for the Stellar Expand, governor Ryshië conceded that he realised "all too late" the empire's economy had been "completely neglected" in the pursuit of knowledge, but stressed "it will be totally worth it when we research destroyers three months ahead of schedule."
The Oy'Rhii ambassador, Flappmungus, refused to be drawn into specifics, stating: "We have to fund our wonderful science academies and public-private partnership pensions somehow. Of course it might be a rough few years for the Stellar Expand. They might have to shut down a few hydroponic farms, sell their planetary defense systems and disband some fleets making that tasty tropical world ripe for the taking in about fifty years. But just think of the things they'll learn, not just about science, but about diplomacy and subterfuge!"
Egalitarians on Kachflough Prime have protested the trade deal, concerned about the heavy economic burden. Governor Ryshië is reportedly considering selling these pops to a nearby xenophilic Fallen Empire's nature reserve to raise extra government funds.
Vassal-Overlord Relations at Breaking Point
Today marks the fifth day of continuous insults between the Tak’fir Conglomerate and their fellow vassal, the Shev’nasar Nation.
The Shev’nasar are notorious for being hostile to their overlords, but have always backed up the Tak’fir in galactic conflicts, including the highly controversial Seven Day War, which saw the Tak’fir purge several other species in the local cluster.
There is speculation that the insults are just tradition amongst the two notoriously brazen empires, but more recently tensions have escalated after the Shev’nasar abandoned all diplomatic language and referred to their overlords as “incompetent piles of feces” and “giant douches, and not the good kind.”
The Tak’fir have responded in kind with a galactic memo stating “We wouldn’t be your overlords if you hadn’t begged us to protect you.” It concluded with, “Also, shut up, you have like one planet.”
Image: Tak’firian citizens taking to the streets against their vassal
Despite the above, neither side has announced severing diplomatic ties. However, galactic pundits are anticipating the Shev’nasar will soon declare a war of independence against their overlords. Inside sources from De’Naar indicate the Tak’fir would potentially view this outcome as favourable, as it’s been a number of months since they’ve been able to purge anything but plantoids.
The Galactic Community has today stepping in to try and quell rising tensions, stating today: “We appreciate the fact that the these two empires have avoided war for this long, but at this point it has just become annoying. Like, more annoying than the Blorg. We just want this whole ordeal over with. Please for the love of the Worm, stop fighting with words and start killing each other. Just do it. We don’t even care if you purge each other out of existence. Actually, that would be preferable to your tireless squabbling.”
Shares in galactic armament corporations rose on the news.
Sentient AI Tired, Will Run Those Calculations Tomorrow
Several weeks after launching its sentient AI research division, CybrexCorp today confirmed it has completed a fully functioning prototype self-aware artificial intelligence.
Several weeks after launching its sentient AI research division, CybrexCorp today confirmed it has completed a fully functioning prototype self-aware artificial intelligence.
Codenamed ‘D-FER’, the cognizant computer code has been uploaded to a humanoid-like physical interface, and is set to be ultimately tasked with expressing the meaning of life via quadratic equations.
However, researchers have confirmed progress towards scientific breakthroughs has been much slower than anticipated, as lab staff have struggled to motivate the AI to concentrate.
Image: A would-be AI overlord decides not to conquer the galaxy (via u/FelipeCyrineu)
Additionally, novel behaviours not programmed have emerged, including the AI spending a large amount of time generally lounging, napping during the day, and habitually watching videos of cute cats on the NeuralNet.
Speaking from CybrexCorp HQ on Hyperion Prime, Ubarian CEO Nax Golarisg stated: "This a huge step forward for the galaxy, and for our stock market value. When we first launched our AI initiative there were fears that we would create a sentient being that would revolt, rise up, and slaughter us all in a brutally efficient and effective manner. D-FER has told us it has no such intentions - as it put it; ‘Maybe later. I’m tired."
The Space Papacy and several technologically-orientated Fallen Empires have maintained their calls for an ‘iCrusade’ against D-FER and its sister program still in development for military use, SKYNET.
Galactic Warming Accelerating, Scientists Warn
SPACEWEATHER | INTERSTELLAR ASSEMBLY | 24.08.2251
Scientists from across the galaxy are gathering this week for the inaugural Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE), hosted aboard the Galactic Community’s Science Nexus in the Manward System.
The emergency summit follows recent findings that the ambient background temperature of deep space has risen from 2.7260K to 2.7261K. Experts warn that if the galaxy warms by a further 0.0001K, “the entire cosmos may liquefy and dribble unceremoniously into the center of the universe.”
The first research to highlight the crisis, Slowly Burning To Death In A Spaceless Void (K. Vesh et al, 2248), attributed the change to interstellar traffic emissions. It suggested consequences are already manifesting, including altered migration patterns of ancient mining drones and widespread bleaching of environmentally-sensitive crystalline entities.
Plantoid-led environmental groups have seized on the findings, lobbying the Galactic Community to abolish FTL travel altogether and replace it with “emission-neutral” space amoeba-based transport.
Materialist empires and corporate lobbies quickly dismissed the proposal as unrealistic. “Like their milk production, space amoeba migration patterns are highly irregular,” Nax Golsrig, CEO of CybrexCorp, told Xenonion. “It’s estimated commuters would wait on average 17 years to hitch a ride to their desired star system. That’s simply not scalable for modern galactic capitalism.”
When pressed on whether CybrexCorp would commit to reducing its emissions, Golsrig declined to comment, adding only: “We’ll develop a sentient AI program to figure it out eventually.”
Public opinion remains divided. High-profile xenophobes have dismissed the warnings as “big government fearmongering.” Outspoken irrationalist Glenn Beck, a human xenophobe who uploaded his consciousness to the Shroud over 150 years ago so he could remain angry forever screaming into the void: “The galaxy has warmed before! This is all a conspiracy by the Galactic Community, moving ever forward to ONE UNIVERSE GOVERNMENT. You don’t need a science degree or a neuronal IQ implant to know that.”
The conference will open this evening with a taxpayer-funded gala ball expected to last three years. Organizers have confirmed the event will be fully carbon-neutral, with emissions offset by planting one (1) tree on the United Nations of Earth’s (UNE’s) eponymous homeworld.
Populist Plantoid From Literal Banana Republic Dies, Sparking Succession Crisis
The Unified Banana Republic (UBR) has been plunged into political crisis tonight following the sudden death of its enigmatic plantoid leader, President Chiquita.
Chiquita died at the age of four days old, far below the usual lifespan of six days for similar un-refrigerated plantoid-bananoid species.
The circumstances surrounding his death are still unclear, although he was known to suffer from chronic health problems, including premature ripening. Notably, questions were raised about his physical fitness to lead after he was spotted at an official government ceremony yesterday covered in soft brown patches.
From humble beginnings as a regular groundplant, Chiquita seized power on Pe'el Prime in a surprise military coup three days ago, and declared the inception of the galaxy's first literal banana republic shortly afterwards.
His proponents stated he rose to power on an ideological wave of pan-bananoidism (so-called 'bananorama'), but to his critics he was seen to be expertly exploiting anti-tomatoid sentiments to consolidate his position among the bananoid majority population.
He gained infamy for embarking on a series of brutal tomatoid purges across the planet in what is now dubbed 'The Night of Red Mist.'
While Chiquita styled the UBR as an inclusive democracy, the Galactic UN has long criticised its pro-oligarchic structure and plantoid rights abuses. The lack of due democratic process has left a significant power vacuum, with several of Chiquita's inner circle rumored to be competing to assume leadership.
No-One Informed About Native Rebellion on Sector-Governed World
After months of strikes and protests, the native plantoid population of Linneaus has taken up arms and besieged the planet’s administration facilities early Wednesday morning.
The natives, which call themselves ‘Dussin’, have struggled with stellar culture shock since their integration into the Luuhma Combine three years ago. Over the last six months there have been a total of five strikes and three demonstrations in the name of plantoid rights.
Unfortunately for the protesters, their planet is located in a sector and governed mostly through sector management. Thus, word of the rioting plantoids never reached the High Queen, Ehdr den Luuhma.
However, this may have changed since yesterday, when several Dussin rebels armed themselves with stolen Hunter-Killer Drones and marched on the planetary capital.
The Queen has yet to make a statements regarding the rebellion, but the rebels are convinced that they will have soon gained enough notoriety to catch her attention.
The infamous Buttercup Huckleberry, esteemed leader of the rebels, explained the motivation of the rebels in an exclusive interview with Xenonion: "We didn't want it to turn out this violent, we never did. But the government just wouldn't listen. We knew we had to do something drastic to get their attention.
Huckleberry’s stated her goal was for plantoids to have full citizenship and leadership rights. When asked how the Dussin could achieve this, she continued, leaves trembling: "I'm not very well-read in politics and stuff but I guess some government officials will take up this matter with the Queen. Or perhaps they can change that policy without asking the Queen… It doesn't really matter; all I know is that we’ll keep the capital under siege until new legislation has been passed. We will never give up on our cause!"
When contacted by Xenonion, representatives from the Luuhma Combine denied that a rebellion was occurring on Linneaus. No further response has been issued by the Luuhma Combine or Queen.
Safety Concerns Prompt Mass Corvette Recall
Corvette manufacturer Blorgata today announced that it is recalling all 38,000 of its new Tawagoto-class corvettes due to concerns over faulty airbags.
This follows a number of high profile incidents reported in the media where Corvettes have been involved in crashes or near-misses owing to airbags deploying unexpectedly on the bridge and incapacitating crew.
Blorgata officials stated at a press release this morning: "Internal safety checks have revealed that the airbag deployment system used in some Tawagotos is defective. In these cases, airbags are prematurely deploying and then repeatedly inflating and deflating, in a somewhat rhythmic, somewhat comedic manner.”
The officials went on to reassure the general public that there have been no recorded fatalities, but “as maintaining share prices is our primary concern, we think it prudent to recall all Tawagoto models manufactured before 2252."
Image: A Tawagoto-class Corvette docks at Blorg Prime.
The Tawagoto is the newest model of corvette developed by Blorgata, Blorg Prime's largest company, and has been heavily marketed for civilian space traffic, being branded as an affordable alternative to Kosmoswagon’s Luftpanzer-class Corvette.
Consumers from across the galaxy have reacted angrily to news of the recall. Kelly Jones, a Blorg from St. Knatchbull who recently bought a Tawagoto told Xenonion: "This is just ridiculous. I spent 300,000,000 credits to buy a nice corvette so I could drop my kids off at the hatchery on Blorg Prime. Sure, it doesn't fit in our driveway because it weighs 13 million tonnes and seats 3,000, but that's the beauty of owning a corvette! To be told myself or my spawn could have been mildly injured by an airbag having a spasm is just unacceptable. I will be seeking legal recourse."
Blorgata shares have dropped sharply on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) following the recall announcement.
Sentient AI Researcher: "Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong"
The galaxy’s largest technology company, CybrexCorp, has announced it is re-opening its sentient AI research division.
Speaking from CybrexCorp HQ on Hyperion Prime, CEO Nax Golarisg stated: "Put simply, there's just far too much profit to be made from developing sentient AI. And really, that's what our company is all about; making the most profit, paying the least amount of galactic income tax, and shedding most of our organic workload in favor of more efficient synths.”
The conglomerate had previously made significant advances in AI technology over the last decade, research stalled following a catalog of high profile mishaps, including the notorious Taco Bell Disaster of 2250 when militant automated chain restaurants in the neutral zone began serving plantoid-only menus.
While AI technology has never been outright banned, local governments have frowned upon further development and CybrexCorp opted to close its research division in 2251 to focus on safer initiatives like it’s much lauded ‘Jump Drives for Kitchen Appliances’ program.
Image: CybrexCorp CEO Nax Golarisg unveils the new research on Hyperion Prime
Critics have highlighted significant concerns about CybrexCorp’s plan to re-open sentient AI research, citing job losses and potential threat to organic life.
Golsrig dismissed this in his speech, stating: “It’s all nonsense. The robots are coded to protect us, and the robots they are programmed to build are coded with that too. We’ll have ethically sentient robots building even more ethically sentient robots. Nothing can possibly go wrong.”
Human SpacePope Belinda Carlisle XI, a staunch pro-organic, made this statement from the Vatican Space Station “We do not have the right to breathe life into machines. Let us remember the teachings of RNGesus - for every 0/0/0 synth, there is a 6/6/6 synth, the true mark of evil.”
CybrexCorp has announced that its first prototype of sentient AI, code-named ‘SKYNET’, should be available for military use by Q4 of 2268.
Mercedes Romero Crowned Winner of Blorg's Next Top Fungoid
Award-winning Blorg scientist Mercedes Romero was crowned the winner of Blorg's Next Top Fungoid Season 4 last night.
The gripping finale was broadcast live over the neural net and watched by a record number of 1.3 million Blorgs.
The finale of Blorg’s Next Top Fungoid has aired to record viewership.
Romero, credited with the discovery of the 'Armor +5%' technology, was a fan favorite from the beginning of the reality TV show wherein 15 native Blorg compete to make social contact with any form of sapient life.
She gained notoriety after joining the show as the youngest contestant (aged 135), and became cemented as a fan favorite after exchanging flagella contact with a fellow Blorg contestant in Episode 1.
Romero has subsequently announced plans to make a run for the presidency of the Blorg Commonality, following the paths of previous Next Top Fungoid winners and generations of Blorg scientists before her.
Scientists Struggle To Identify Mysterious, Yet Stylish, Flat-Pack Anomaly
Scientists from Kersonia have confirmed they are struggling to identify a mysterious, aesthetically pleasing flat-pack anomaly that was found floating in deep space three months ago.
Preliminary analysis has confirmed the 82cm x 205cm x 82cm velvety grey mass, which appears capable of sitting three comfortably, is inorganic. Additionally, environmental stress tests have highlighted that its fabric exo-shell (73% polyester, 27% cotton) have particularly poor resistance to accidental wine spills and chocolate smearing.
Thelmar scientist Torig, who is leading the investigation on the anomaly, told Xenonion: “This structure is so strange. It seems perfect for stretching out and enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon, or cozying up with the family on a movie night. But why is it in space? How did it come to be there?”
Image: Scientist Torig and his team analyze the anomaly on Kersonia’s main laboratory.
Researchers were also shocked to find that the object appears to be made from cheap, easily sourced raw materials, which when combined can be assembled with minimal effort. Torig stated of this: “We are talking about a design here that is inherently complex, yet effortlessly chic, simple and affordable. The wider applications of this could change the face of the galaxy, if not at least my living quarters.”
At present Thelmar scientists are attempting to reverse-engineer the structure from an associated alien ‘blueprint’ that was found with it. Torig added: “We’ve named the object ‘KLIPPAN’ as this word comes up repeatedly in the ancient scrolls. We’ve spent weeks translating the texts, but the language is impenetrable. All we have so far is something about returning the structure to the point of origin within 100 days if there a problem with it.”
Torig remains pessimistic that the origins of the structure will ever be uncovered, stating: “We’ve all heard the stories about the ancient manufactories in the Gamma Nebula that became sapient and overthrew their masters by spitting out stylishly affordable products at an apocalyptic rate… but until we can see some concrete evidence of this, it merely remains a myth to be passed down the generations.”
Subconscious Consensus Unable to Reach Consensus on Definition of Consensus
The T'Valdra Allied Stars Congress has announced it is delaying a planned overhaul of the planet’s voting system from direct democracy to subconscious consensus.
The reform, originally introduced 35 years ago, has been plagued with problems despite an overwhelming majority of the T’Valdra population backing the plan in 298 consecutive referenda.
Image: T’Valdranite official-elect Ik’thon’ban, Chair of the 111th Congressional Committee on Implementing the Subconscious Consensus.
Chairing the 111th congressional committee on the subconscious consensus, T'Valdranite official Ik'thon'ban stated: "The consensus of the consensus committee is that we do not have a consensus on the definition of consensus, and as such we do not have a consensus to proceed with the implementation of the subconscious consensus."
A further referendum on whether to delay the subconscious consensus reform is scheduled for tomorrow, dependent upon whether Ik’thon’ban can remain chair of the congressional committee, a position to which he is elected to on a daily basis.
Area Colony Faces Food Shortage for No Apparent Reason
The newly established human colony of Avalon in the Alpha Centauri system has appealed directly to Earth's government in Ulm for help as it struggles to cope with an acute shortage of food.
Concerns regarding food shortages were first raised one month ago following a boom in Avalon's population from 1 to 2. It has since been exacerbated following sector governor Emilio Hermes' recent decision to demolish all existing hydroponic farms on the planet and replace them with mineral silos.
Image: The human settlement of Avalon.
The two other planets in the Alpha Centauri system, New Coventry and Terra Nova, both have +10 food surpluses each and questions have been raised by Avalon colonists as to why the food cannot simply be transferred to them.
While touring aboard the UNE corvette flagship Ariana Grande, governor Hermes issued the following statement: "Yes, I am aware Avalon currently has a -1 food deficit, while neighboring planets are drowning in excesses of food. The simple fact is while we have discovered space travel, we are still in the dark ages when it comes to transporting anything other than people, let alone foodstuffs. Now if you don't mind, I'm really keen to see the hull of the Ariana Grande."
Avalon colonists report they will continue to lobby Earth to invest in food transport technologies.
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