Study Confirms Absolute Limit To Planet Size: 25 Tiles
Image: the University of Ulm’s SQuARES study reveals a surprising trend in the distribution of planet sizes. (SQuARES Study, Vol et al, Scientific Journal of Reddit, Aug 2250)
Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth
A recent breakthrough in exogeology at the University of Ulm has born convincing evidence that planetary bodies in the universe cannot be larger than 25 squares.
Professor Julian Vol, Chair of the University of Ulm's Department of Physics and Astronomy, led the work of nearly 150 scientists from around the local cluster in the landmark Survey to Quantify Amount ofRectangles on Earth-like Surfaces (SQuARES) study.
In an interview with the highly respected Reddit Peer Reviewed Journal of Science, Prof. Vol said the following of the discovery:
"A leap forward like this one does not occur often in any area of science, and when it does it usually is the result of great effort. This pursuit of the truth has been no different. I cannot express how proud I am to have interacted with and coordinated so many great minds throughout the duration of this project."
The work by Prof. Vol and others was conducted over the course of 13 years and required first-hand data collection from nearly 75 star systems as well as remotely-collected data from 100,000 more. These data sets were processed by the Co-Orbital Computer (COC), a two kilometer sphere that orbits Sol at Earth's second Lagrange point.
The study was one of the most expensive ever undertaken in human history, with the COC costing 300 million energy credits alone to construct. Even with funding from the Galactic Facts Office (GtFO), additional funding had to be allocated from the UNE's Ministry of Defence on the condition that a series of 'scientific' Tachyon Lances could be installed on the COC.
The study has been criticised by some for its methodology and unclear definition of what exactly 25, or indeed 1 square means.
When prompted to explain this result in more detail, Prof. Vol responded:
"I'm not sure what you are asking. It is simply the case that planets quite literally cannot be larger than 25 squares. The unit is a sq or square. By definition 1 square would be 1/25th of a very big planet."
University of Ulm alumini have been quick to dub this result "Vol's Law", but Prof. Vol has insisted that this name be discarded in favor of something more descriptive, such as "The 25-Square Rule of Planetary Geology".
> More accurate news from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.
New Translation Device Developed For Flagellum-Waving Species
Gacrux, Gacrux System, Nagli Dominion
First contact between United Nations of Earth (UNE) representatives and a delegation from the recently discovered planet of Gacrux was made difficult yesterday owing to a failure of UNE translation software to parse the communication method used by the Nagli, the only intelligent inhabitants of Gacrux.
The Nagli do not communicate using sound like most other sentient species in the galaxy. Instead, they move their several flagella around to convey thoughts and ideas. They have evolved to be able to see infrared light so that nighttime communication is possible, and their anatomy also features a complete view of all surroundings with the use of 36 well-placed eyes.
Image: The translation devices are methodically and thoroughly tested before being put into practice to prevent awkward misunderstandings.
After conducting routine research about the nature of the Nagli and Gacrux, UNE officials made the decision last month to move forward with an official first contact.
Questions remained about how exactly the Nagli were communicating, but it was assumed that this would become obvious upon interaction. This was not the case.
Captain Joseph Krik of the USS Shakira, a specialist in first contacts, said of the incident:
"It was actually quite refreshing to have to begin communication from nothing and work up. Perhaps the most beautiful thing in the universe is the peaceful beginning of interstellar communication."
After nearly three hours of deciphering, UNE officials were finally able to make basic overtures to the Nagli. It was apparently necessary for six members of the UNE delegation to stand together and all arrange their arms correctly to match the flagella of a single Nagle. The Nagli response was - according to the best guesses of UNE linguists - warm and welcoming, if slightly exasperated.
A device that will allow for more automatic communication between the UNE and Nagli Union is already being designed, and the first prototypes have performed well in the initial tests, despite significant engineering challenges. According to the UNE sociologists working on the project, the first tier of the translation device should be completed within sixteen months.
> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.
Corporate Buyout Collapses After Technical Issue With Energy Transfer
Blorg Prime, Blorg System, Blorg Commonality
The highly anticipated corporate buyout of social media company FaceBlorg by tech giant Fruit-AI, has collapsed due to technical issues with energy credit transfer.
The deal, reportedly worth around 1.2 trillion energy credits, was due to be processed today but failed after internal auditing at FaceBlorg revealed the company had no meaningful mechanism to receive energy credits from Fruit-AI due to 'plug and socket irregularities.'
Image: Faceblorg and Fruit AI engineers at the official buyout ceremony on Blorg Prime attempt to convert the incompatible credits.
Snark Tucker, ironic arthropod non-Blorg CEO of FaceBlorg, made the following statement this morning:
"It is with regret that we announce the buyout of our company has been halted.
Our engineers realised all too late that Fruit-AI's unique own brand of one-pronged plugs would not fit into our tri-pronged sockets, and so there was no way for any transaction to be processed.
I'd like to reassure FaceBlorg users that we only accepted this buyout so management could become really wealthy, and that ordinary user's consumption of corporate advertising will continue uninterrupted.
This is just another obstacle we'll pay for someone else to sort out for us."
FaceBlorg, the wildly successful niche Blorg social media start-up, has long been eyed up by the tech giant Fruit-AI, which has sought to expand its influence into the Blorg's highly insular and socially awkward neural net community.
Zoghren, floating fungoid CEO of Fruit-AI, made this statement moments ago:
"I'm not really sure why we didn't think of this before.
It really puts a dent in our plans to assimilate all neural net users into an advertisement watching hivemind."
Shareholders from both companies have urged for the deal to continue, requesting Fruit-AI convert energy credits into minerals to allow for a physical payment. FaceBlorg has rejected this, citing the cost and time it would take to construct an estimated 3,400 mineral silos to allow for storage of the minerals.
Economists have called for the creation of either a universal plug/socket system, or even a galactic currency, highlighting that the current method of energy transfer is inconsistent and unsustainable.
FaceBlorg and Fruit-AI shares on the composite Space Exchange Index (SEXI) fell on the news.
> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.
Primitives Worship Fiery Fleet Battle Aftermath
Sirius V Orbital Research Station, Sirius System, United Nations of Earth
United Nations of Earth (UNE) xenopologists studying stone-age civilizations on Sirius V have observed numerous groups of primitives worshiping still-glowing warship wreckage orbiting in the outer limit of the planet's atmosphere.
The debris is believed to have originated from the Battle of Sirius, a space battle which occurred 5 years ago above Sirius V, and resulted in a decisive victory for the UNE against the Bak'nerg, a neighbouring race of aesthetically unpleasing reptilian fanatic purifiers.
The UNE's 1st Starfleet, commanded by Admiral A.K Barr aboard the USS Yoko Ono, crippled the Bak'nerg navy despite being significantly outnumbered, and in the process destroyed the reptilian flagship BWS N'Kashka.
Image: A tribe of molluscoid primitives on Sirius V observes the glowing wreckage from the Battle of Sirius on a clear night. This tribe seems to regard it as the malevolent embodiment of all the hatred and anger in the universe.
N'Kashka's violent destruction, and the resulting explosion of its central reactor, created a large debris field which have since become locked in orbit above Sirius V, still glowing with residual energy from the advanced heat sink materials used in Bak'nerg engineering.
UNE scientists aboard the newly constructed Sirius V Orbital Research Station quickly noticed N'Kashka's wreckage appeared to be having a profound sociocultural impact on the planetside molluscoid primitives.
Dr. Nalia Monshego, director of the station, described the team's "incredibly exciting" observations;
"From the surface, the debris cloud is extremely large, equivalent to the planet's largest moon, Sirius V Minor, which the primitives previously held well developed mythologies around it being an omnipotent aphrodisiac sky molluscoid. However, since the wreckage has appeared, the primitives' belief systems appear to have been significantly altered."
The various primitive cultures have not reacted uniformly to the debris - some are actively worshipping it as a new central deity, but other subgroups have reacted much more negatively, as Dr. Monshego reported;
"One culture on the planet has apparently even been observed trying to recreate the explosion. While it is most unlikely that the primitives would succeed in this endeavour, their new fascination for violent detonations has lead to them to prematurely invent gunpowder. If they invent guns and biologically develop opposable thumbs, this may have a dramatic impact on the future of their species."
Dr. Monshego's team are due to publish their observations latter this month in the Earth's prestigious peer-reviewed Reddit Journal of Science.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
Taco Bell Launches Controversial New XenoWrap
Taco Bell, a human chain of fine-dining restaurants, has stirred controversy across the local cluster after announcing plans to serve sentient species in its updated gourmet menu.
Launching the contemporary cuisine from a press conference aboard Taco Bell's corporate space station, ISS Mexcellent, CEO Jale Peneo stated:
"Taco Bell has always been at the forefront of pushing the boundaries of our collective tastebuds.
You only have to look at our innovative history to see that - in 2100 we had the award-winning 7-Layer Domestic Cat Taco©. In 2150 we had the universally loved Double Opium Crunchwrap©.
However, today marks the launch of a game changer.
Taco Bell is taking pan-galactic flavours to the next level with our Xenowrap© range- including the Chili Con Cutie©, Soylent Taco© and the highly anticipated Roasted Pre-Sent© .
Xenos have enthralled us since we discovered FTL. We've talked to them, traded with them, heck even waged war with them -- but have we ever really eaten them? Not until now!"
Image: Taco Bell’s latest advertisement displaying the newest additions to its menu.
Taco Bell has already identified several planets in the neutral zone to begin domesticating and harvesting sentient and pre-sentient native species for mass consumption. Industry experts suspect pre-industrial species who cannot read or write, and thus sign disclosure forms, will be targeted.
The decision seems to be largely related to the Galactic UN passing the 'Unity resolution', which has enshrined the rights of omnivores to eat other species, if they are deemed delicious enough.
Xenophiles from across the galaxy have decried Taco Bell's new menu as "abhorrent" and "really overpriced."
Garden worlds such as New Eden and Horizon have also lobbied UNE central government to block the menu, due to fears that a shift towards so-call 'xenomnivorism' could damage their traditional genetically modified chicken-cow-sheep-horse chimera farming economy.
Our newsteam put these concerns to Peneo at the press conference, who replied:
"For those who have issue with eating Xenos, fear not, we have our vegetarian Plantoid Variety Pack©, which contains as many plant-things that feel pain as we could find."
Taco Bell shares rallied on the announcement.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
SpacePope Welcomes Unbidden 'Overlords'
Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth
Extra-dimensional invaders, the so-called 'Unbidden', have seized control of the human colony of Hope in the Terminus System, crippling the UNE's rapid counter-defence efforts.
Hope fell early in the early hours of this morning after seven minutes of planetary bombardment and ground invasion. Communications have been lost with the planet and initial reports suggest nearly all of the 10,000 colonists may have perished.
Terminus marks the 35th system to have fallen in the Outer Rim since the Unbidden began pouring into the nearby Omega System from a tear in the space-time continuum 28 months ago.
Image: Breaking news alert - Unbidden invaders attack Terminus.
Since their arrival they have been indiscriminately hostile towards all organic life forms, and are unresponsive to diplomatic channels of communication.
The Galactic UN has called several times for the formation of an interstellar coalition to counter to threat, but has struggled to muster support from spacenations that are not in the immediate vicinity of the Outer Rim. During this time period the Unbidden have been able to proliferate unchecked, and have annihilated 17 space-faring species.
Terminus is the first and outermost human system to be attacked, even though the UNE previously opposed Galactic UN anti-Unbidden initiatives to focus on "other priorities" such as feral Tiyanki culling.
Both UNE central government and military command have stated they are "deeply concerned" about the developments in Terminus and described the situation as "probably worth getting involved in now."
Despite this, a number of human factions remain opposed to a military response. Human SpacePope Performance H. Metro II issued a decree from the Vatican Space Station, ISS Deus Vult, urging restraint in fighting back against the Unbidden:
"The Unbidden overlords are servants of RNGesus and the glorious rapture is upon us as taught in the Holy iBook. Come, children, let us embrace their XL matter disintegrators with open arms."
Galactic shares have fallen on the news, following the destruction of the Galactic Stock Exchange in the Quirrulan System by the Unbidden.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
UNE President Faces Corruption Probe Over Inappropriate Influence Spending
Embattled United Nations of Earth (UNE) president Jeffrey Rossario is tonight in a further political quagmire after details emerged showing he inappropriately spent government influence to help him gain office and suppress political rivals.
The detailed information was contained in Rossario's consciousness and thought streams, which were inadvertently uploaded to the Shroud 3 weeks ago and freely accessible to anyone with psionic traits or a TeleShroud-enabled fax machine.
Image: Rossario inside the UNE Congress chamber in Ulm, Earth.
Rossario has so far refused to comment on the above.
UNE congresswoman Karla Karling of Earth's Francia District, who previously ran and lost against Rossario in the closely contested 2249 presidential election, made this statement:
"This is a deeply disturbing revelation, and one that shakes our very democracy to the core. While I accepted the election result at the time, it just didn't make sense to me. The U-Polls said we were going to win. 142 out of the last 143 sitting presidents have been Karlings. We were suppressed. Rossario is not fit to lead humanity."
Spending government influence for personal use is strictly prohibited by galactic convention.
The leak is a significant blow to Rossario's fledgling administration which has struggled to recover from a string of crippling crises, including the now dubbed 'ShroudGate' and Rossario's recent proposal to abolish universal healthcare to fund building a defensive Space Wall around UNE territory.
A government ethics committee has convened in Earth's capital Ulm tonight to decide whether Rossario should face a formal corruption probe.
The Viper Probe, 1.6m in length and 3m in circumference, has 5 multipurpose arms which test rectally for levels of corruption in faecal matter. If positive, the results could pave the way for an impeachment charge.
Hivemind Wins 100% Of Drone Vote In Landslide Telepathic Election Victory
Saiiban Prime, Nos Bana, Saiiban Hivemind
The Saiiban Hivemind has secured a 53rd consecutive term in power, following a stunning election victory on its homeworld of Saiiban Prime.
Setting a galactic record, the election was completed after only ten microseconds. 100% of Saiiban population drones voted unanimously for the only candidate on the telepathic ballot.
Broadcasting via intrusive visual hallucinations to all sentient creatures in the local cluster, the Hivemind elect declared:
"We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one."
Jubilant scenes were reported across Saiiban Prime, with millions of drones clapping slowly, and somewhat menacingly, in unison.
Local drone 3929 was eager to explain to our newsteam why he had voted for the Hivemind:
"We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one."
The Galactic UN, previously sceptical of the legitimacy of the election due to the lack of viable candidates, applauded the exceedingly high voter turnout and is now officially encouraging all democratic nations to consider adopting Hivemind protocols to foster further interstellar democracy.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
Fallen Empire Rallies Overwhelming Peacekeeping Fleets to “Save Neighbors from Themselves”
Peacekeeping fleets have tonight been deployed by the Techzid Shard after neighbouring space-nations refused to accept its demands to abandon research into Artificial Intelligence and other research which it has deemed “dangerous.”
Issuing an ultimatum early this morning from the Techzid’s monolithic ringworld structure, Representative Rax’Glor stated: “We have deemed anything beyond putting on solar panels on your space stations is dangerous. In fact, perhaps even that is a bit too dangerous. Abandon it, or else.”
Rax’Glor then went on a lengthy monologue, referring to the Techzid being “very friendly at heart”, but friends who “just so happened to have XL Tachyon Lances and weren’t afraid to use them.”
Image: The Techzid’s peacekeeping fleets keep the peace by peacefully destroying a neighbouring empire’s research station.
Several space-nations immediately agreed the above terms, with the majority voluntarily reverting to pre-FTL states and asking to be removed from galactic maps.
CybrexCorp and Taco Bell, two of the galaxy’s largest MegaCorps which have invested heavily in AI have called the move “draconian.” As a precaution, Taco Bell have closed several hundred of their automated branches close to the Techzid Shard.
In response to the above, an addendum was released by the Techzid stating Taco Bell would be exempt from the AI for “the greater galactic good.”
Major Delays Expected as Hyperlane Construction Begins
Interstellar traffic between United Nations of Earth (UNE) core worlds faces major disruption this weekend following the closure of eastbound and westbound routes between Sol and Alpha Centauri as construction begins on a new hyperlane expressway.
The project, approved in 2245, aims to reduce the daily commute between Sol and Alpha Centauri to less than six months, by completely demolishing Barnard’s Star.
Image: Diversions are now in place via Procyon.
The improvements, which are expected to take 35,000 years to complete, are the latest in a series of 500 trillion energy credit infrastructure investments aimed at cementing Earth's rising status as a center of galactic commerce and corruption.
The largely undeveloped Barnard’s Star has struggled to cope with high volumes of sublight traffic queuing at hyperlane exits and hybrid mining-service stations. However, conservationists have reacted angrily to the plans, warning construction would threaten both the natural habitat of endangered ancient mining drones and the gargantuan piles of floating rubbish which have been designated as culturally significant landmarks.
The Galactic Transit Authority (GTA) has dismissed these concerns, stating that although a similar conclusion was reached in its own environmental analysis, the results were immediately scrapped at the prospect of a mildly shorter commute.
Commuters are warned to expect significant delays, with diversions via the Procyon park-and-ride facility in place.
Watch Live: The latest space traffic news, via Xenonion’s Traffic Sentry Array.
Exciting New Archeological Findings on Earth
United Nations of Earth (UNE) archeologists have announced a major discovery of human proto-technology at an excavation site on the outskirts of Ryukyu, Earth's second largest city.
The objects of interest, several thin plastic discs, are believed to be a basic electronic storage units. Composite analysis confirms the discs are over 250 years old, dating back to the 1990s.
Image: One of the flimsy electronic storage units. This one has been dubbed “Phloppy” in honor of the human who first found it
The find was made by accident last month, when construction workers clearing an industrial wasteland uncovered a semi-intact structure called 'Walmart'. After the significance of the site was realised, specialist archeologists were dispatched to what has now been confirmed as a human digital-age marketplace, the best preserved of its kind.
Though any historical discovery always captures the imagination, the sheer value of the haul has UNE arthropologists very excited, as Dr. Montana Jones of Ryukyu's Three Mountains University explained: "These are first class historical documents. Digital age humans, although effectively a pre-sapient species by modern standards, were known to crudely record information electronically. And that information must have been important if they went to the effort of saving it. If we are somehow able to decode and translate this information, we may finally shed some light on what actually happened during that time period."
At the turn of the 21st century human rule stretched across Earth, although power was dispersed between several warring nation states. A series of large scale continental conflicts saw the Holy Roman Empire emerge as a global power under the stewardship of Ulm, which would ultimately democratically reform into a prototype world government - a precursor to today's United Nations of Earth.
Dr. Montana Jones continued: "Advanced optical analysis show the discs are labelled with an unusual marking; 'XXX'. What's fascinating about this is we think it's handwritten [a human practice that was common pre-2100]. These discs are extremely rudimentary - electromagnetic pulsation suggests they may only have 0.0000012 zetabytes of information. Unfortunately our computer systems today are too powerful to comprehend information so small, and we may have to build a new system from scratch to allow it to interface with the discs."
The UNE's Social Science Academy has announced a special project into investigating the discs, and is hoping to disseminate the information retrieved live on a special pan-galactic broadcast.
Alien Pets Face Extinction, New Report Warns
Aliens Pets could become extinct within months, a new report from the Society of Space Wildlife, Animals and Gigafauna (SWAG) warns.
Society of SWAG highlights a "perfect ecological storm" that formed in the wake of yesterday's devastating asteroid impact on Andromeda II, the now inhospitable homeworld of a very popular species of Alien Pets.
Alien Pets are famed across the galaxy for being docile, easily domesticated and generally adorable companions. Their characteristic florescent green coat is highly prized by fashion brands seeking to produce practical, yet stylish, high visibility clothing.
Humorous videos of Alien Pets falling over or guiding starships to dock at intergalactic spaceports (with disastrous consequences) draw trillions of daily eyestreams on the NeuralNet, almost on parity with mechanically augmented Earthborne felines.
Image: Seconds before impact, a security camera captures the final moments of an Alien Pet flock
Galactic demand for Alien Pets has long outstripped supply due to the species' fragile health - most perish after only 2-3 months of life owing to a rare genetic disease, Exploding Organ Syndrome (EOS).
Following the Andromeda II disaster, Alien Pet prices have risen exponentially, with many consumers now turning to underground black markets such as the notorious 'Steam Workshop' to try and procure remaining supplies.
Several empires have pledged to try and resolve the situation, with xenophiles offering to terraform planets similar to Andromeda's biome, and materialists announcing rapid cloning programs. Terror groups and rogue space-nations, which rely on Alien Pets' highly combustible organs to manufacture cheap biobombs, have appealed for donations.
In the interim, Curators have suspended official trading of all Alien Pets until further notice. Galactic shares on the composite Space Exchange Index (SExI) closed down on the news.
UNE President Accidentally Uploads Mental State to Shroud
United Nations of Earth (UNE) president Jeffrey Rossario has been left red-faced this evening after it emerged he accidentally uploaded his entire mental state to the Shroud, a mysterious psionic dimension believed to be capable of holding more than 400 zetabytes of information.
It's not clear when or how President Rossario's mental state was uploaded, with officials in Earth's capitol Ulm stressing that all government personnel are expressly ordered not to back up any mental information to the Shroud due to its insecure cortical firewall settings. A special project has been issued to attempt to remove the information from the Shroud, but it has so far been fruitless. Until the required technologies have been researched, all of Rossario’s thoughts will remain continuously accessible to anyone with psionic capabilities or a TeleShroud enabled fax machine.
Image: Rossario inside the UNE Congress chamber in Ulm, Earth.
UNE fleet admirals have expressed concern that the president's knowledge of sensitive military and political information now could be freely floating in psionic-space, where it may be accessed by the other empires of the galaxy.
This follows in the wake of a political scandal involving former UNE governor and outspoken xenophobe Emilio Hermes, who inadvertently uploaded explicit mental imagery of himself with Blorg model Mercedes Romero to the Shroud last month, to the horror of both the Blorg species and his wife. Whether other UNE officials are at risk of accidentally connecting their minds to the Shroud or not is still being investigated.
President Rossario has so far refused to comment regarding the above. However, our newsteam was able to obtain his most recent mental state from the Shroud tonight, in which his stream of thought read:
"This is really, really awkward. Like seriously. God. How did this happen? I really hope they can't see what I'm thinking right now. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts."
Image: President Rossario’s thoughts echo across the vast psychic dimension
Researchers Discover Method That Allows Ships To Fly Not Only Side to Side, but Up and Down
Engineers from the Voor Technocracy claim they have achieved a breakthrough in fleet design which allows ships to not only fly side to side, but also up and down.
The announcement was made today at the Voor Academy of Engineering, where scientists unveiled the galaxy’s first hyperdrive engine capable of the maneuvers.
Although no ship has been constructed as yet, and the design remains highly classified, the 30-minute demonstration showed computer generated images of what the movements would look like. In addition to movement in a 3D plane, the engines also reportedly allow ships to reverse and parallel park.
Image: The Voor technocracy hopes the new ship design can be fully functional by 2255.
The response to the announcement has been mixed. A consortium of engineers and ship-building MegaCorps have released a joint statement condemning the breakthrough as a hoax, stating quote “it clearly violates the laws of physics,” and “it’s not like we’re in some sandbox simulation where these parameters can just be adjusted at will.”
The Galactic Community has yet to formally comment on the development, but insider reports suggest security analysts are concerned regarding the “unknowns” of introducing “rogue Z-axises.”
In other news, several Fallen Empires have formed a coalition against the Voor Technocracy, and have called on the Galactic Community to join them in “cleansing the unpure.”
Vassal Requests Assistance, Overlord Outraged
Emissaries from the Hudaar Reach have confirmed this Monday that their subject, the Veenoy Dominion, has been released and a rivalry declared.
The diplomatic break was confirmed by Hudaar High Chief Weeal, who stated in a press conference: "In our thousand years of existence, the Hudaar species have never been so offended. Today, one of our youngest vassals broke all manner of diplomatic tradition. They approached us and asked us to… [lengthy pause]… trade technology."
The press conference was cut short due to commotion and shock within the predominantly Hudaari press pool.
The Galactic Council has warned the Veenoy Dominion that its actions were "thoughtless" and may contravene galactic law.
It is believed this is in reference to Articles 5 and 401-521B of the Galactic Charter on Diplomacy, which respectively state that technologies can only be traded obtusely in the form of research agreements, and that technologically backwater vassals are forbidden from being outlandish.
Image: It is believed the Veenoy were hoping to trade their rudimentary warp drive technology for the Hudaar’s advanced hyperdrive engines
Following the press conference, several neighbouring empires have declared the Veenoy as rivals and are considering forming a coalition in protest of "grave crimes against the galaxy" as one senior Hudaarian emissary described the situation to Xenonion.
A Veenoy reporter at the press conference tried to justify the dominion's actions, stating his government thought it would make sense for two allied nations to share technology. High Chief Weeal retorted "there's a difference between allies and vassals" before jumping into the audience and bludgeoning the reporter to death, to the cheers of the frenzied press attaché.
Unverified reports are now filtering through that Veenoy civilians on their capitol of Veenoia are being evacuated off-world by slow moving warp transports.
Economy Once Again Ruined for the Sake of Science
Diplomats from the newly formed fungoid Stellar Expand have negotiated a twenty year research agreement with their technologically advanced avian neighbours, the Oy'Rhii Technocracy.
Details surrounding the trade deal are highly classified, but most galactic economists suspect the Stellar Expand will be paying a significant sum in energy credits and minerals for rights to Oy'Rhii technology, perhaps many times in excess of their base value.
The shrewd Oy’Rhii are notorious for luring fledgling civilizations with seemingly advanced technology like ‘Armour II’ for what initially appears to be a reasonable price, but later becomes economically crippling.
Image: Diplomats from the Stellar Expand and Oy’Rhii Technocracy announce research pact at a joint conference
Lead negotiator for the Stellar Expand, governor Ryshië conceded that he realised "all too late" the empire's economy had been "completely neglected" in the pursuit of knowledge, but stressed "it will be totally worth it when we research destroyers three months ahead of schedule."
The Oy'Rhii ambassador, Flappmungus, refused to be drawn into specifics, stating: "We have to fund our wonderful science academies and public-private partnership pensions somehow. Of course it might be a rough few years for the Stellar Expand. They might have to shut down a few hydroponic farms, sell their planetary defense systems and disband some fleets making that tasty tropical world ripe for the taking in about fifty years. But just think of the things they'll learn, not just about science, but about diplomacy and subterfuge!"
Egalitarians on Kachflough Prime have protested the trade deal, concerned about the heavy economic burden. Governor Ryshië is reportedly considering selling these pops to a nearby xenophilic Fallen Empire's nature reserve to raise extra government funds.
Vassal-Overlord Relations at Breaking Point
Today marks the fifth day of continuous insults between the Tak’fir Conglomerate and their fellow vassal, the Shev’nasar Nation.
The Shev’nasar are notorious for being hostile to their overlords, but have always backed up the Tak’fir in galactic conflicts, including the highly controversial Seven Day War, which saw the Tak’fir purge several other species in the local cluster.
There is speculation that the insults are just tradition amongst the two notoriously brazen empires, but more recently tensions have escalated after the Shev’nasar abandoned all diplomatic language and referred to their overlords as “incompetent piles of feces” and “giant douches, and not the good kind.”
The Tak’fir have responded in kind with a galactic memo stating “We wouldn’t be your overlords if you hadn’t begged us to protect you.” It concluded with, “Also, shut up, you have like one planet.”
Image: Tak’firian citizens taking to the streets against their vassal
Despite the above, neither side has announced severing diplomatic ties. However, galactic pundits are anticipating the Shev’nasar will soon declare a war of independence against their overlords. Inside sources from De’Naar indicate the Tak’fir would potentially view this outcome as favourable, as it’s been a number of months since they’ve been able to purge anything but plantoids.
The Galactic Community has today stepping in to try and quell rising tensions, stating today: “We appreciate the fact that the these two empires have avoided war for this long, but at this point it has just become annoying. Like, more annoying than the Blorg. We just want this whole ordeal over with. Please for the love of the Worm, stop fighting with words and start killing each other. Just do it. We don’t even care if you purge each other out of existence. Actually, that would be preferable to your tireless squabbling.”
Shares in galactic armament corporations rose on the news.
Sentient AI Tired, Will Run Those Calculations Tomorrow
Several weeks after launching its sentient AI research division, CybrexCorp today confirmed it has completed a fully functioning prototype self-aware artificial intelligence.
Several weeks after launching its sentient AI research division, CybrexCorp today confirmed it has completed a fully functioning prototype self-aware artificial intelligence.
Codenamed ‘D-FER’, the cognizant computer code has been uploaded to a humanoid-like physical interface, and is set to be ultimately tasked with expressing the meaning of life via quadratic equations.
However, researchers have confirmed progress towards scientific breakthroughs has been much slower than anticipated, as lab staff have struggled to motivate the AI to concentrate.
Image: A would-be AI overlord decides not to conquer the galaxy (via u/FelipeCyrineu)
Additionally, novel behaviours not programmed have emerged, including the AI spending a large amount of time generally lounging, napping during the day, and habitually watching videos of cute cats on the NeuralNet.
Speaking from CybrexCorp HQ on Hyperion Prime, Ubarian CEO Nax Golarisg stated: "This a huge step forward for the galaxy, and for our stock market value. When we first launched our AI initiative there were fears that we would create a sentient being that would revolt, rise up, and slaughter us all in a brutally efficient and effective manner. D-FER has told us it has no such intentions - as it put it; ‘Maybe later. I’m tired."
The Space Papacy and several technologically-orientated Fallen Empires have maintained their calls for an ‘iCrusade’ against D-FER and its sister program still in development for military use, SKYNET.
Galactic Warming Accelerating, Scientists Warn
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Scientists from across the galaxy are gathering this week for the inaugural Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE), hosted aboard the Galactic Community’s Science Nexus in the Manward System.
The emergency summit follows recent findings that the ambient background temperature of deep space has risen from 2.7260K to 2.7261K. Experts warn that if the galaxy warms by a further 0.0001K, “the entire cosmos may liquefy and dribble unceremoniously into the center of the universe.”
The first research to highlight the crisis, Slowly Burning To Death In A Spaceless Void (K. Vesh et al, 2248), attributed the change to interstellar traffic emissions. It suggested consequences are already manifesting, including altered migration patterns of ancient mining drones and widespread bleaching of environmentally-sensitive crystalline entities.
Plantoid-led environmental groups have seized on the findings, lobbying the Galactic Community to abolish FTL travel altogether and replace it with “emission-neutral” space amoeba-based transport.
Materialist empires and corporate lobbies quickly dismissed the proposal as unrealistic. “Like their milk production, space amoeba migration patterns are highly irregular,” Nax Golsrig, CEO of CybrexCorp, told Xenonion. “It’s estimated commuters would wait on average 17 years to hitch a ride to their desired star system. That’s simply not scalable for modern galactic capitalism.”
When pressed on whether CybrexCorp would commit to reducing its emissions, Golsrig declined to comment, adding only: “We’ll develop a sentient AI program to figure it out eventually.”
Public opinion remains divided. High-profile xenophobes have dismissed the warnings as “big government fearmongering.” Outspoken irrationalist Glenn Beck, a human xenophobe who uploaded his consciousness to the Shroud over 150 years ago so he could remain angry forever screaming into the void: “The galaxy has warmed before! This is all a conspiracy by the Galactic Community, moving ever forward to ONE UNIVERSE GOVERNMENT. You don’t need a science degree or a neuronal IQ implant to know that.”
The conference will open this evening with a taxpayer-funded gala ball expected to last three years. Organizers have confirmed the event will be fully carbon-neutral, with emissions offset by planting one (1) tree on the United Nations of Earth’s (UNE’s) eponymous homeworld.
Populist Plantoid From Literal Banana Republic Dies, Sparking Succession Crisis
The Unified Banana Republic (UBR) has been plunged into political crisis tonight following the sudden death of its enigmatic plantoid leader, President Chiquita.
Chiquita died at the age of four days old, far below the usual lifespan of six days for similar un-refrigerated plantoid-bananoid species.
The circumstances surrounding his death are still unclear, although he was known to suffer from chronic health problems, including premature ripening. Notably, questions were raised about his physical fitness to lead after he was spotted at an official government ceremony yesterday covered in soft brown patches.
From humble beginnings as a regular groundplant, Chiquita seized power on Pe'el Prime in a surprise military coup three days ago, and declared the inception of the galaxy's first literal banana republic shortly afterwards.
His proponents stated he rose to power on an ideological wave of pan-bananoidism (so-called 'bananorama'), but to his critics he was seen to be expertly exploiting anti-tomatoid sentiments to consolidate his position among the bananoid majority population.
He gained infamy for embarking on a series of brutal tomatoid purges across the planet in what is now dubbed 'The Night of Red Mist.'
While Chiquita styled the UBR as an inclusive democracy, the Galactic UN has long criticised its pro-oligarchic structure and plantoid rights abuses. The lack of due democratic process has left a significant power vacuum, with several of Chiquita's inner circle rumored to be competing to assume leadership.
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