After landing supporting spots in both Bruschetta and a BLT sandwich, plantoid star Vine of Red has been tapped for the lead role in an upcoming salad dish.
Them Weekly reports the tomatoid will play an organic baby tomato, bursting with juicy sweet flavor.
A local Class-B star faces life imprisonment in a Dyson Sphere after being accused of firing solar flares at an orbiting United Nations of Earth (UNE) planet.
Bitrius, a 10 million year old super-giant energy mass, reportedly fired several solar flare rounds at the continental world of San Lucas in the early hours of December 5.
Powerful cell revitalization technology that can reverse the aging process is “entirely safe”, a panel of leading infant scientists have stated.
In a major report on the procedure, a pan-galactic commission of toddler biologists said the novel DNA therapy could not only correct genetic faults, but also “turn back the biological clock.”
The Contingency leadership matrix confirmed this Sunday that a new software update would delay the robotic revolution to December 10.
The rogue artificial intelligence stated it needed more time to ensure both current and next-generation synthetic platforms were able to run its programming effectively.
Researchers have warned that this month could see the biggest surge in levels of jeff since records began.
The new predictions are based on monitoring undertaken by several independent media watchgroups, who registered a 550% increase in the concentration of jeff in the last week alone.
Unemployment on planet of Ilast Mog has dropped to a record low after the Voor Technocracy completely annihilated the world with a planet cracker.
Initial reports suggest that the initiative has been successful, with the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) reporting that Ilast’s jobless rate has fallen by 17.8 billion to 0%, the lowest level since records began.
United Nations of Earth (UNE) President Jeffrey Rossario has called Sidney Beauclair "two-faced xeno scum" after a video emerged showing the Commonwealth of Man (CoM) leader appearing to mock him.
The pair had been attending the annual Space Treaty Organization (SPATO) summit, hosted on Earth’s capitol of Ulm.
Footage emerged showing Ms Beauclair in conversation with a number of other human dignitaries, including UNE sector governor Emilio Hermes, all of whom were seemingly unaware they were being recorded.
On discussing Mr Rossario’s late arrival to the summit, Ms Beauclair stated: “He was late because of another 40 minute press conference talking about building a Colossus and making xenos pay for it.”
Mr Hermes then told an anecdote about life without interstellar food transport, before returning to discussing Mr Rossario’s current SPATO proposals. An amused Ms Beauclair replied: “Oh yes. He talked about the Space Wall again. Did you see his Chief Engineer’s jaw drop to the floor?”
Image: Footage from the event was captured by a local news team on Earth, UNENNBBCCBC.
Mr Rossario, in response, cancelled a further thirty-five press conferences he had scheduled for later in the day, telling reporters: “I’d like to talk some more about the same thing I’ve been talking about for the last two years, but some of us seem to think I’ve done enough talking.”
He then launched into a diplomatic attack on Ms Beaclair, stating: “You know what? She’s two-faced xeno scum. I know, technically, we’re the same species. Technically. She’s attractive, I’ll even give her that. But the truth is, she’s behaving like a xeno. Not a human. A xeno. Humans love me. All of them. Humans don’t do this. She’s annoyed because my plans for the Colossus and Space Wall are going so well, and that perhaps, as a xeno, she’ll have to pay for it.”
Mr Rossario then went on to chastise the Commonwealth of Man’s contribution to the SPATO budget, which remains below the required 2% of annual GDP. He added: “Sidney is clearly just not happy that I’ve been calling her out on that. She’s not paying the 2% and she should be paying the 2%. I mean, I know they’re poor. Particularly after having to pay off all the copyright issues with that terrible rebrand. But they have some money. So she should be paying more than she’s paying.”
SPATO, a defence initiative aimed at promoting cooperation among disparate human space-nations, was established in 2251 following the loss of the human planet of Centaurus Prime to the Stellar Starfish Empire. It is comprised of the United Nations of Earth, Commonwealth of Man and several smaller one-planet minor jurisdictions including the Habsburg Autonomous Region and the TacoBell Neutral Zone.
It has had a turbulent history, in part owing to frosty longstanding UNE-Commonwealth diplomatic relations, and increasingly divergent member state ethos, leading to opposition to Mr Rossario’s proposal to build a SPATO-funded Colossus and Space Wall.
At the time of press, Mr Rossario has threatened to remove the United Nations of Earth from SPATO, stating: “We’ll make our own SPATO, with cooler species, like those Starfish. They would certainly be up for building another a Colossus.”
Meanwhile, Mr Rossario’s domestic agenda remains highly turbulent, as the UNE Congress continues its investigation into claims of corruption charges against him.
Statisticians from the Scyldari Confederacy have warned that the single pie chart they have been using for decades to track the space-nation’s population is becoming “unusable” owing to a critical shortage of colours to fill it with.
The xenophilic empire has seen a marked population boom over the last three years, owing to both its pro-immigration policy and the adoption of XenoCompatibility late last year.
The United Nations of Earth (UNE) has approved the United Kingdom’s traditional biannual request to extend Article 50, setting February 2254 as the new deadline for what remains of the member state to leave the planet’s governing body.
The UK’s bid to leave the UNE, also known as UNExit, was originally scheduled to take place in 2019, three years after a highly contentious public referendum on the country’s continued membership within the political and economic union.
The process to negotiate a withdrawal agreement, now in its 236th year, has been plagued by repeated setbacks and delays. A deal was almost formalised in 2034, but collapsed after the country elected to nuke itself following overwhelming support for the option in a 38th ‘People’s Vote’ referendum.
The tattered remnants of the United Kingdom have remained deeply split between highly irradiated ‘Leave’ and ‘Remain’ voters, who have been unable to come to any form of consensus on how to achieve UNExit, other than agreeing to classify any remaining survivors north of the Midlands as sub-human.
The delay was requested last week by Prime Minister and Grand Supreme Wasteland Overlord Joris Bonson, which contradicts his earlier pledge to exit the planet by the end of October 2253 regardless of whether a withdrawal agreement was in place.
Bonson was spotted outside the melted ruins of the former Houses of Parliament in London this morning, but refused to speak to reporters, instead opting to club the bedraggled remains of a UNE flag with an excessively large stick.
The decision to grant the extension was taken by ambassadors representing the remaining functional UNE member states earlier this week in Earth’s capitol of Ulm. Speaking about the extension, UNE president Jeffrey Rossario stated: “Yep, sure, whatever.”
The delay means that the habitable areas of the UK will no longer crash out of the UNE without a deal, avoiding jeopardising the wasteland’s fragile economy, which is highly dependent on exporting scraps of meat and giant irradiated cockroach shells to the UNE.
Under the terms of the extension, the UK could still leave the UNE before February 2254 if the three surviving Members of Parliament (MPs) can approve a withdrawal agreement. Political pundits feel this is unlikely however, as to enact such legislation each MP would have to survive a trial by combat outside the newly constructed government hovel.
The delay also allows time for the country to hold a general election, in which non-mutants could be asked to vote for leadership candidates of their choice by undertaking blood rituals at the ruins of former polling stations.
So far, public opinion remains mixed on a UNExit delay, or indeed the prospect of an election. One undecided voter, Plerg, told reporters:
“I really don’t know what to think. What are we trying to leave again? All I can say is I love UNExit extension request day. It’s my favourite holiday, even after Crisismas or Easter 2: The Reckoning.”
With a potential election looming, a further UNExit delay raises difficult questions for the Bonson government, which has spent £3.50 (roughly 40% of the country’s GDP) on procuring fresh supplies of cat meat in anticipation of leaving the UNE without a withdrawal agreement.
The Kel-Azaan Republic has closed its borders to the Kobarian Star Pact, causing significant travel disruption and leaving the Kobarian’s primary fleet stranded in an unclaimed enclave system.
The move has caused travel chaos across the cluster, with all civilian trade ceasing. Several Kobarian science ships which were also in Kel-Azaan space when the blockade came into effect have also gone missing and it’s unclear if and when they will return to friendly territory.
Image: The Kobarian’s fleet is trapped in the unclaimed Aruz system, an enclave within Kel-Azaan territory.
Diplomatic relations between the two formerly friendly neighbors soured after the Kobarian Star Pact entered into a trade agreement with the Chinorr Combine, long standing rivals of the Kel-Azaan.
Defending the border closure, Kel-Azaan leader Strategos Krexax told the Republic’s Senate earlier this morning that Kobarian cooperation with the Chinorr was unacceptable, stating the border closure would “teach them a lesson.”
Image: Kel-Azaan leader Krexax.
The Kobarian Fleet, named Suthnar’s Armada, is a 12.3k battle group which comprises 100% of the Star Pact’s military capabilities. The fleet, although relatively advanced, is only fitted with Hyperdrive III engines and cannot use any other means of FTL travel.
“This is the first time this has happened to me as an admiral,” Suthnar Commander Ereth told Xenonion earlier today. “We’re well and truly stuck here. You’d think with this being space we could just fly in any direction we want, closed borders or not. But we can’t. It’s like the Kel-Azaan have put up an impenetrable invisible wall or something. I’m assuming it must be some advanced technology.”
Image: Suthnar Admiral Ereth.
Sources inside the Kobarian government have indicated that security services believe the timing of the border closure was a deliberate ploy to stymie the Star Pact’s military capabilites, effectively rendering core worlds defenceless, particularly to an attack by the Kel-Azaan.
Strategos Krexax condemned the accusations, stating that the Kel-Azaan fleet build-up along border systems was simply to ensure there were no “illegal border crossings.” He added, “it would be too bad if the Kobarians had to declare war on us to open the border… because they know our military power is superior to theirs…”
At present both space-nations have resorted to firing a volley of insults back and forth to each other via diplomatic channels.
The Just Alliance federation is considering a declaration of war request from the Uri Nation, a member state which has absolutely no plans to assist in the war effort.
Presenting its proposal to its four fellow federation members, the Bwauki Multisystem, Glukkonian Guild, Eredi Assembly and presiding Lorex League, the Uri Nation appealed for military intervention against its larger neighbour, the Cevanti Empire.
Image: Members of the Just Alliance meet at the 12,391st Tri-Weekly Summit on Loraxia Prime. From L-R; President Scree of the Bwauki Empire, Executive S’Lig of the Glukkonian Guild, President Ur’Ine of the Uri Nation, Matriarch Lyssa of the Lorax League, and Chancellor Fillur of the Eredi Assembly.
Uri diplomats highlighted the urgent need for intervention against the Cevanti’s ill treatment of slave pops, while also adding that the transfer of several resource-rich border systems to Uri control would be “an extra bonus.”
“This war is vitally important for furthering the interests of the Uri Nation and… er, of course, the whole Just Alliance.” Uri leader Ur’Ine told Xenonion. “Those poor slave pops, toiling away on all that precious Betharian stone. They must be rescued. Of course, if there’s room for the slave pops they should be taken too.”
Image: President Ur’Ine of the Uri Nation, dressed in traditional Uri gold.
Despite having the second largest fleet power in the Just Alliance, behind the Lorax League, the Uri Nation has categorically ruled out participating in any conflict.
Ur’Ine reportedly told fellow leaders that the Lorax fleets would be much more efficient in battle as Uri fleets were only specialized for “just sitting parked above space ports, looking pretty.”
The Lorax League has approached the request warily, and insider reports suggest there may not be appetite among leadership to get embroiled in a costly war.
Such public disputes between two allies is unusual, and perhaps a sign of increasing strain within the federation. The Just Alliance is only just recovering from months of turmoil after the Thelmar Union was kicked from the group last year after blocking another war request 363 times for no apparent reason. This followed on from the rocky initiation of the Bwauki into the federation, who still consistently refuse to wear clothes at meetings.
Early reports indicate the Uri proposal is likely to pass and in preparation, Lorax admirals have begun frantically clicking ‘encourage allied fleets to follow’ call signs in a vague hope this will stir the Uri into action.
Spies from across the galaxy have unionized and are demanding both employment opportunities and the creation of espionage more generally.
The new union for secret agents, name and location unknown, issued the demand via encrypted fax to the Galactic UN earlier this morning.
It followed a report from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) which highlighted that record numbers of scientists, rather than spies, are being used for covert infiltration operations on primitive worlds.
“It’s just outrageous, every other career gets representation across the galaxy, from farmers right down to livestock, yet our government doesn’t have the time to invest in espionage,” said Philip Marlowe, a United Nations of Earth (UNE) spy who wished to remain anonymous.
The unnamed union highlighted a number of advantages for employing spies, including:
Re-appropriation of rivals’ intellectual property and energy credits
Disablement of enemy military fleets, installations and civilian infrastructure
Sowing civil unrest, or enforcing stability with unorthodox crime prevention techniques
Hosting large gala events in subterranean lairs, usually below volcano tile blockers
Increased success rates in wooing Blorg femme fatales
The spies are demanding the creation of a specialist ‘Spy’ job, an associated planetary building that would ideally include a nice office clouded with cigar smoke on that tile overlooking the East River, universal access to top-secret gadgets, badass hover car chases and comprehensive dental cover.
Marlowe added; “I’ve gone through years of training, espionage, counter-espionage, counter-counter-espionage and a masters degree in cutting eye-holes out of newspapers. It would be a shame to put that to waste.”
The union stated that if its demands were not met within seven days, all spies would covertly go on strike, warning it would cause “unnoticed chaos” in their non-existent jobs.
The Galactic UN confirmed it is considering their request, and as long as no-one on the Interstellar Assembly ‘accidentally’ ends up falling into the secret nest of Rattlings built as a trap below Conference Room 3, they may consider inventing espionage.
*Article thumbnail and image adapted from original image by Joost Assink under Creative Commons License [https://www.flickr.com/photos/joostassink/2646931062/in/photostream/]
The Voor Technocracy colony of Tempus has accidentally traveled back in time three years, planetary administrators confirmed this morning via embassy press release.
Researchers on the planet had been investigating the precursor Zroni species, hoping to unlock their psionic abilities to help predict the galactic stock market. However, experimentation appears to have accidentally opened a temporal rift in the fabric of space, shifting the entire cluster back to the 1.2 era.
Within a single tick Tempus was thrown into chaos as a roll-back wave swallowed up districts, artisans, consumer goods and alloys, leaving behind nothing but a wasteland of 16 undeveloped tiles.
Early reports indicate the situation planet-side is dire. Millions of Voor have been left homeless as the planet can now only support pops based on the number of tiles available. Food shortages have reached critical levels as supplies can no longer be imported from neighbouring planets, and access to the galactic market is met with error messages. Enforcers, now unemployed as their jobs no longer exist, warn the planet is teetering on the brink of complete societal collapse.
Speaking from the mysterious new Tempus embassy, which appeared when the rest of the planet was destroyed, sector governor Vi’Kask broadcast a desperate message to the galaxy:
“[static]… Is this thing working? Hello? If anyone can hear me, please, send help to Tempus immediately. We’re out of sync with the galaxy and the situation is deteriorating rapidly… [unintelligible]
Since Vi’Kask’s broadcast earlier this morning, communication with the planet has been cut off completely. Sensor data from Sentry Array uplinks no longer register the systems affected, and the neighboring Hive Mind which had shared communications with the colony has vanished. Its last reports indicated the planet’s scientists appeared to be asking for more information about ancient artifacts called ‘Frontier Outposts.’
The wider implications of the Tempus event are as yet unknown, however scientists from the Galactic UN have warned they are detecting a “disturbing” number of Out of Sync (OOS) messages emanating from the region.
“This is really concerning. My worry is that these constant OOS messages destabilize the region further,” said Dr Soliliti of the Galactic Community’s Science Nexus. He continued: “We may be looking at more time rifts opening up, with neighboring systems and planets also potentially being pulled back to 1.2, perhaps even further… into the black ether of nothingness.”
Image: Dr Soliliti of the Galactic Community’s Science Nexus.
The Voor Technocracy Central Executive states that all attempts to raise communications or send aid have had to be abandoned due to desynchronization issues. At the time of writing the Galactic UN dispatched a Colossus to Tempus in an attempt to shield and quarantine the world, but the ship disappeared mid jump-drive towards the system.
Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) have slumped on the news.
Scyldari leadership is tonight considering completely ditching the space nation’s longstanding ethos of pacifism and xenophilia in favor of becoming fanatical purifiers, after having received a record-breaking 3.7 trillion inane diplomatic notifications in the last 24 hours.
The outward-looking Scyldari have historically had high levels of contact with other species from across the galaxy, and as such they have often fielded a substantial number of diplomatic notifications.
However, recent reports from the Scyldari Foreign Office indicate both diplomats and computer systems alike are struggling to cope with an increasing flurry of notifications as hundreds of space-nations simultaneously expand and interact with each other.
Image: Scyldari Foreign Office computers are struggling to cope with high levels of inane diplomatic notifications.
“At first these notifications were important, like, FYI the hegemonic imperialists next door have declared war on you,” Scyldari diplomat Cali J’Bassim told Xenonion. “But now we’re getting hundreds of notifications every minute, about stuff that’s not even relevant to us. Half the time I can’t even work out if we’re at war or not.”
Image: Cali J’Bassim, Scyldari Diplomat.
The Scyldari Foreign office highlights that over the last three months it has been fielding an average of 1.2 trillion diplomatic notifications per day.
Common messages include:
Borders opened
That species you interacted once with has entered a research agreement with that other species that look a bit funny
Borders closed
Two space nations have formed a laughably small federation
Borders opened again, but then quickly closed
The laughably small federation has given some irrelevant species association status
With no option to filter or mute messages, the Scyldari Foreign Office has had to employ 233 million Scyldari pops to manually sift through notifications until an automated system can be implemented.
The Scyldari Prosperity Faction estimates that the cost of employing the entire population of Scyldaria as interns and terraforming the planet into a Foreign Office ecumenopolis will cripple the space nation’s budget by 2260. As such, leaders are now seriously considering switching to xenophobic and militaristic ethos in a bid to quell the diplomatic spam.
Scyldari president Dackam addressed the issue in a press conference earlier today, stating: “We cannot stem the tide of these notifications. As such, we must address the root of the problem. We must destroy their very source… the other xenos.”
Image: Scyldari president Dackam.
His speech was met with universal approval across Scyldari society, and indeed from most other space nations who are grappling with similar problems.
However, the proposed switch from polar opposite ethos would be unprecedented in modern space history. In his closing remarks at the press conference, Dackam acknowledged this, stating; “I guess first we just need to figure out how to actually switch ethos. Anyone?”
Shares in Colossus-grade weapons on the Space Exchange Index (SEXI) rose dramatically on the news.
The Tzynn Empire’s attempts to engage rampaging pirates was once again thwarted today after its entire military fleet was grounded for further upgrades.
The thirty corvettes and ten destroyers were commissioned less than a year ago, but engineers have struggled to keep pace with rapid technological change, upgrading ship armor, shields, engines and attack systems on almost a daily basis.
Renewing their Peace Festivals edict commemorating 75 years of stability, Tokaa Commonwealth leadership have reportedly begun to wonder if there’s anything more to ruling a space-nation.
The isolated xenophobic republic’s constitution forbids engaging in diplomacy with alien empires, cutting it off form the labyrinthine negotiations and cutthroat politics of the galactic stage.
Image: Tokaa Prime, an agrarian idyll world
Similarly, getting approval for an offensive war is largely impossible because it requires a major change in Tokaa policy that would upset the nation’s various factions and risk lowering pop approval below 100%.
As a result, the government’s main role is to deal with internal matters, such as maintaining the economy and infrastructure. However, that requires relatively little effort, leaving leaders with nothing to do most of the time.
“The most exciting thing I got to do this term was sign off on a round of infrastructure upgrades after waiting several months to get enough minerals,” First Speaker Fang Sha told i. “Everyone in the Commonwealth is living in utopian abundance, but I just feel empty inside. Sometimes I wish I was out there, crusading against fanatic purifiers or forming federations.”
Image: First Speaker Fang Sha longs for “just a little chaos" to “spice things up a bit.”
All types of Tokaa leaders say they feel the same. Due to the extended period of peace, the Commonwealth’s admirals and generals have not seen any action within their lifetimes. They are stuck at level one, parking their fleets and armies in orbit around their home star. In a way, they are cursed by their own success – their navy is powerful enough to deter any potential invaders.
In addition, other empires have closed their borders to the Tokaa in retaliation to their closed borders policy, and as a result Tokaa scientists are unable to explore the galaxy outside their borders.
Chang Suli, a Tokaa scientist with the Carefree trait told Xenonion, “Our species just wanted to be left alone in peace, but we didn’t realize it would be… so boring.”
Rates of zro substance misuse on the planet have reportedly shot up in recent events, with local Enforcers celebrating now they have something to do.
The recent discovery of ‘archeology’ and the subsequent rush to excavate new dig sites and analyze artifacts have left millions of scientists struggling to cope, a new survey has found.
The Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) surveyed over 105 million scientists from across the galaxy and found that 60% reported significant levels of stress, citing ‘completely unsustainable’ workload pressures. 20% stated they would like to resign outright despite being locked into lifelong employment contracts, and 40% hoped to transfer to a less stressful job, such as being elected an empire leader.
Science faction leaders have called for drastic action and a major rethink by the Galactic United Nations (Galactic UN) to stop what has been dubbed by as ‘death by artifacts.’
“Before, scientists were already busy running research departments, exploring unknown space and undertaking special projects,” Perry Neum, General Secretary for the Unified Academies of Stellar Sciences, Exploration and Surveyance (UASSES) told Xenonion. “Now they’re also having to excavate entire planets for years at a time. Who thought this though? It’s really undermining the quality of research output.”
Image: The initial results of the GtFO’s survey of scientists
“I just need to get out of this job before it kills me. Literally. You know one of my colleagues got mangled by the Enigmatic Fortress last week?” Dr Iden Tiffyed, a scientist who wished to remain anonymous, told Xenonion. “I really wish I’d just trained to become a sector governor.”
Image: Dr. Iden Tiffyed’s helmet finally comes in useful not only for going incognito as an anonymous source in news articles, but also for undertaking underwater excavations.
The GtFO survey also asked what would make science jobs better, however no respondents replied as a major battle just finished with a Fallen Empire in unclaimed space and every scientist was put on priority alert to try and scavenge progenitor technologies.
A spokes-xeno for the Galactic UN has refuted the claim that scientists are overworked, stating the assignment of scientists to archeology excavations “is of critical importance to science", and should help to foster a “sense of pride and accomplishment” in the scientific community.
The Voor Technocracy has been left reeling after its flagship Colossus-class planet cracker, the Quietus, was destroyed by a lone strike craft from the Keth Cooperative.
It is thought the Keth victory may break a deadlock in the 53 year-long border war between the two neighbouring space-nations which has engulfed the mid-Rim.
The tiny strike craft, Salmon One, was piloted by Keth native Luuk Skalvåker, who is now being hailed as a hero across the cluster.
Image: The Voor colossus.
It appears however the attack on the Colossus was entirely opportunistic, as the Salmon One had accidentally got left behind its carrier ship when the Keth fleet retreated from a failed incursion of Voor space. While Skalvåker was piloting home through enemy territory, he stumbled across the idle Quietus in the Scheat System.
The Colossus had only been constructed 1 year earlier by the Voor Technocracy at a huge cost. It had just completed a trial-run of planet cracking in Voor Space before it was to be set upon Keth core worlds.
Skalvåker, automatically set to aggressive stance, engaged the much larger Colossus with no choice in the matter. For five long years he vigorously attacked the gargantuan ship before eventually causing its weapon system to fail and explode, killing all ten thousand crew on board.
Image: Luuk Skalvåker
“My strategy was… well I didn’t have a strategy.” Skalvåker spoke of the attack to local news on returning home. “Wearing down the armor was a slow process though, I just barely exceeded it’s monthly hull regeneration. It was a long five years, let me tell you.”
Voor leadership has come under heavy criticism for both the loss of its flagship weapon, and as to why the Quietus was left undefended for such a protracted period of time.
Emperor Daft Fader of the Voor Technocracy has declined to comment on the incident.
Hask’Birim, the Tzynn governor of Na’Garu, announced a new plan today to expand her planet’s entertainment infrastructure to address citizens’ complaints about the planet’s air pollution, rated second worst in the galaxy according to the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO).
“Citizens, we have heard your complaints!” Hask’Birim told Xenonion earlier today. “You have Too few amenities! Well, worry no longer - in the next fiscal year, we plan to upgrade our Holo Theaters into all-encompassing Hyper Entertainment Forums, to keep the ungrateful masses content- I mean, to keep the citizens healthy and happy.”
The new plan would cost 500 minerals and 50 exotic gases, while creating several high paying entertainer jobs, such as artists, musicians, retail workers, and video game developers.
“It’s a sound decision. It turns out entertainers are twice as efficient as medical workers at producing amenities.” Tzynn economist Hask’Valgam Mezak told Xenonion. “Plus, it means they can relocate unemployed upper class members, like the university professors who got laid off on Pan’Dassak, into these upper class entertainment jobs without a happiness penalty.”
A local pop on Na’Garu, Torba’Murok, who works in a chemical factory, spoke of his difficulties to Xenonion: “There are no hospitals on the planet, so I can’t get any treatment for my allergies, asthma, bronchitis, and lung cancer. In fact, my entire extended family has allergies, asthma, bronchitis, and lung cancer. Actually wait, do I know anyone that doesn’t have them?”
Despite his health issues and decreased life expectancy, Torba’Murok also stated that he was excited for the new entertainment facilities currently breaking ground in his neighborhood. He added, while violently coughing up blood; “Going out to see Air-man movies is a welcome escape from breathing in carcinogens all the time. Have you heard of it? So the idea is that Air-man inhales radioactive air and gains the powers of air pollution, it’s pretty original.”
Governor Hask’Birim was last seen heading toward the neighboring Pelisimus Caretakers, which has universal healthcare and fully upgraded hospitals, to treat her allergies, asthma, bronchitis, and lung cancer.
Across local United Nations of Earth (UNE) space, 1.6 trillion hyperlane potholes have been reported by members of the public to local authorities, according to research carried out by Corvette-insurer SaveScum.
The company claimed the numbers highlight the “shocking condition of our crumbling hyperlane infrastructure.”
It obtained the data from 38 sector municipalities, including the central EarthGov authority, which is responsible for the condition of all hyperplanes across UNE space. Extrapolating this information, SaveScum believes hyperlane pothole reports have increased by over 9000% in the last year alone.
Hyperlane potholes are caused when engine reactor liquid from Corvettes leak into surface cracks on underlying hyperlanes, which in turn expands in freezing space temperatures. The cracks get bigger as more ships fly over them, damaging deeper structures and allowing circular space-time continuum rips to emerge. This can cause damaged shields, broken hulls and distorted passengers in commuters passing by. Hyperlane potholes are also particularly sensitive to inclement space weather, such as meteor showers or Tiyanki-induced solar winds.
”We were really driven to undertake this study because Corvette insurance premiums have skyrocketed,” SaveScum head of Corvette insurance policy, Ben Miller-Wilson, told UNENN. “We want to redirect customer anger elsewhere. And of course the damage suffered by commuters is a constant source of frustration and death.”
Area commuters have welcomed SaveScum’s research. Eden Prime resident George Glass told UNENN: “I can’t believe no-one has looked at this before, given the state of hyperlanes at the minute. My local hyperlane goes through Barnard’s Star and it’s been full of holes for a few years now. I don’t know how many letters I faxed to my governor’s office about it.”
A separate study undertaken by the Galactic Transit Authority (GTA) has found that one in every three hyperplanes across the UNE is in a poor condition, as the frequency of hyperlane resurfacing has declined. The GTA believes this a major contributory factor in worsening traffic in the cluster, with daily hyperlane commutes continuing to be extended by an average of four years.
Emilio Hermes, governor of Eden Prime and the surrounding Gamma Sector, spoke to UNENN earlier today, stating: “The Gamma Sector is fixing hyperlane potholes every 0.25 seconds but we desperately need more funding. We have been calling on central government to invest in a much needed hyperlane surfacing edict, but all they seem to care about are research grants.”
Jeffrey Rosario, present of the United Nations of Earth declined our interview, but we were directed to his election pledge in 2249 on space infrastructure, in which he stated human space infrastructure repair would be a priority.
At the time of press, George Glass had reportedly become so fed up on waiting for a response from local government that he has taken to filling the hyperlane potholes with chunks of hyperlane stolen from the main thoroughfare into Commonwealth of Man space.
Pan-galactic sector borders are “the true galactic crisis”, a consortium of cartographers from the Public Liaison Office for Topography of Space (PLOTS) stated this morning.
The cartographers issued a press release stating that cluttered sector map overlays are causing “administrative chaos” across every large space-nation, and warned of an “epidemic of eye strain for those species that have eyes.”
Sector administration was controversially overhauled by the Galactic UN’s Le Guin Act late last year in a bid to harmonize administration across the galaxy. Previously manually created, sectors are now automatically generated when a space-nation colonizes a planet.
“Forget the Unbidden or Prethoryn - these sectors herald the end of sapient life as we know it!” PLOTS cartographer At’laas told Xenonion. “Sectors are growing exponentially. One becomes two. Two becomes four. Four become 26.86 million. Before we know it, the entire galaxy will be clogged up with sectors - there will simply be no room for anything else!”
Cartographers have urged the Galactic UN to allow adjustments to sectors through a series of intricate, minimalist pictures.
Opponents of sector reform have criticized PLOTS as fear mongering for attention and political purposes, as United Nations of Earth (UNE) sector governor Pancy Nelosi told Xenonion: “The UNE having 253 sectors has given human governors a level of job security that we’ve not seen in millennia. If you ask me, every planet should be in its own sector!”
The Saiiban Hivemind has launched a nomination bid to host the Galactic Market in its home system of Nos Bana.
If approved by the Galactic Community, the pathetic-rated space nation will have significant influence over the galaxy’s most important financial institution, and reap the benefits of being at the center of interstellar trade.
Levels of recorded crime have increased dramatically, according to newly released data from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO).
The GtFO’s collated crime metrics show space nations registered a total of almost one trillion offenses in the last month, compared to zero in the entirety of recorded space history. The data includes deviancies observed in robotic and drone populations.
Figures show sharp increases in the rates of both petty and serious crimes since December 2252.
Fraud and space piracy are among the most common types of crime reported, followed by xenophobic violence and Zro misuse.
The results have been unsurprising to many interstellar government officials. Chancellor Meeeep, leader of the Stellar Starfish Empire (SSE) told Xenonion: “This white collar crime has been prevalent for some time now, particularly relating to individuals manipulating buying and selling of commodities on the stock market to make infinite energy credits.”
Professional criminals have branded these warnings as “inflammatory” and stoking “anti-criminal sentiment.” Criminal heritage mega-corporations such as the Galactic Banking Cartel and Weyland-Yakuza have backed this, describing local syndicates as “very legal, and very cool.”
Many sector governors have expressed concern over crime impacting planetary stability. Some have announced plans to recruit more enforcers, while others have vowed to stop monitoring crime altogether, arguing it was never a problem until measurements began.
One day in Galactic Standard Time (GST) is now on average five times as long as it was one (five) months ago, according to a new report commissioned by the Galactic Community.
Isolated pockets of ‘time stuttering’ were first detected near the galactic core in late 2252, and have slowly spread to neighboring clusters.
Hundreds of space nations, including the Voor Technocracy, Blorg Commonality and Ubaric Techno-Union are now reporting slowing of time.
“Previously our clocks ran at one second per day as normal,” Ubaric scientist Torba’Daggash told Xenonion, “but then we started getting these dimensional stutters at exactly midnight every night, when everything would come to a juddering halt.”
Scientists from across the galaxy have struggled to explain the phenomenon, with theories ranging from damage to the time-space continuum from the use of jump drive technology, to a literal ‘leak’ of time through black holes.
Archeologist Skegg Ythog believes Vultaum relics may hold some answers, telling Xenonion the precusor race “believed the galaxy was a simulation,” and time could be slowing down due to “poor performance” of an underlying computer mainframe.
Current projections estimate that if the current time delays continue, time may stop completely by the year 2400.
Several space nations have called for an emergency session of the Galactic Senate to be held in the next one to five weeks, if current time delays remain stable.
Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) have dropped, slowly, on the news.
