Mystery As Science Ship Mysteriously Vanishes Near To Mysterious Black Hole

Thessily, Parnaby System, Asuri Republics

A major search is underway after the Asuri Republics confirmed one of its most advanced science ships, the ASR Lyara, has gone missing in the uncharted Belvares Maelstrom system.

The alarm was raised when the Lyara failed to arrive at the Asuri homeworld of Thessily this morning on a scheduled return from a routine scouting expedition.

Centralised Asuri navigation logs highlighted the ship's last position as being several hyperlanes off course in the Belvares System, which is known to contain a black hole.

Efforts to communicate with the ship have thus far been unsuccessful. Remote analysis of the ship's most recent computer readings suggest that the crew may have been investigating an unusual signal emanating from the region.

Pictured: The Belvares Maelstrom, an uncharted system containing a black hole is the last known location of the ship.

A search and rescue team has been assembled on Thessily, and is to be lead by Asuri Commander Bensa, who issued this press statement moments ago:

"These sort of situations are difficult. It's going to be a very tough operation. We have the black hole working against us - with gravity, with time-distortion, with line of sight. But we need to get to work - time is gravity, and sight is desired."

The conference came to an abrupt end as several members of the audience, appearing genuinely distressed, began to correct Bensa chanting "time is sight" and "gravity is desire." 

It is expected the Asuri will launch a series of time is sight into the region to establish if gravity is desire, however the prospect of time is sight is becoming increasingly gravity is desire.

With the majority of the time is sight being classified, little is known of the gravity is desire or the families they time is sight. Rough estimates suggest time is sight may have had a capacity of up to gravity is desire. The ship itself was equipped with time is sight and advanced gravity is desire, with some arguing what was, will be.

Pictured: SAW EB, LLIW TAHW; EB LLIW, SAW TAHW

A public time is sight has been launched on gravity is desire to help with fundraising towards what was, will be; what will be was.

Time is sight has announced a gravity is desire time is sight in unity with what was, will be. What was, will be; what will be, was.

What was, will be; what will be, was. What was, will be; what will be, was. What was, will be; what will be, was. What was, will be; what will be, was. What was, will be; what will be, was. What was, will be; what will be, was. What was, will be; what will be, was. What was, will be; what will be, was. What was, will be; what will be, was.What was, will be; what will be, was. What was, will be; what will be, was. What was, will be; what will be, was.

> More accurate reporting from what was, will be, will be, was.

Void Cloud Wrex: Mandatory Evacuations Stall As Egalitarians Slam 'Forced Resettlement'

Planetary evacuations have stalled as egalitarian pops refuse to cooperate with what they describe as “forced resettlement” ahead of a devastating space-storm which is expected to make planet-fall in the coming hours.

Mandatory evacuation orders have been issued for several planets across the Chiral Expanse, a region projected to to lie directly in the path of Void Cloud Wrex, which in recent hours has strengthened to a Category 5 space-storm.

“We’re saying get out now,” sector governor Toran Mondrigg stated in a press briefing on Saturday, adding “this storm poses an existential threat to anyone caught in its path.”

The Trans-Galactic Weather Service has warned that Wrex could wreak “apocalyptic” damage on several densely populated worlds, describing how planetary atmospheres are likely to be “swept away” under electromagnetic storm surges measuring up to 10,000km high.

Despite this, the mood from egalitarian residents on local planets has remained bullish.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Icheon II resident Kalas Dolen told Xenonion. “To try and take away my freedom like this smacks of naked authoritarianism.”

“It’s a slippery slope,” Talandra Vi Mak of Thyrule agreed. “First this, next we’ll be asked to donate food, water and basic medical supplies to so-called ‘victims.’ It’s a play straight out of the fascist handbook.”

Government officials from the region are desperately trying to encourage migration off world by hastily constructing visitor centers and amusement parks on neighboring safe planets to coax pops into leaving voluntarily.

At the time of press both Dolen and Vi Mak stated they had been “prompted to act” by the prospect of an “all inclusive holiday evacuation,” but were unable to follow through after all space-flights across the region were cancelled due to the storm.

---

Construction Ship Has Just Had It With This 3D Plane Nonsense

The planned construction of three new government sponsored orbital mining platforms in the Chisellion system has come to an abrupt halt after United Nations of Earth (UNE) construction ships reported they were not authorized to operate in the area.

The uninhabited, mineral rich system of Chisellion is approximately twenty light years from Sol. With relatively easy access via 3 hyperlanes, the area has long been viewed as a prime development site.

Recent cartographic surveys carried out by science ships suggested Chisellion fell within UNE borders after the completion of a frontier outpost in Procyon.

Pictured: A UNE construction ship is faced with confusion as to where it can and cannot build.

However, once construction ships arrived in the system, operators realised Chisellion actually lay just outside UNE borders.

Galactic law, as laid out by the Galactic United Nations, arbitrarily forbids the construction of industrial space platforms outwith claimed territory and owing to this, construction workers refused to begin work.

UNE sector governor for the region, Emilio Hermes, stated:

"Apologies, this is a clerical error on my part. I have a very pretty map overview of our territory, but it look the longest time for me to realise that the map is in 3D, so sometimes some systems that look like they're within our borders, aren't. It can be a bit confusing really. Did you know that you have to go up to get to Barnard's Star from Sol? But it's only evident when you rotate the map 90 degrees? I've written to the map designers about it. I guess we can spend the 130 minerals not being used on construction to design a new interface or something."

U-Poll metrics highlight the construction workers have faced a public opinion mallus for refusing to work. However, as one employee (who wished to remain anonymous) told us:

"I'm just paid to build stuff, not to mess with abstract concepts like why we can only build frontier outposts outwith our own borders."

The borders of a recently established UNE colony in Sirius is expected to encompass Chisellion in the coming weeks, but xenophobic factions within the UNE have pointed to this as another example of bureaucratic overreach stifling growth.

Construction in Chisellion is scheduled to recommence in Q1 of 2251.

Commonwealth of Man Rebrands as ‘Imperium of Man’, Infringes Copyright

The increasingly isolationist and erratic human breakaway spacenation The Commonwealth of Man (CoM) has announced it is rebranding itself as the ‘Imperium of Man.’

Addressing an audience of indoctrinated subjects, self-styled ‘Empress’ Sidney Beauclair announced:

"The Commonwealth has bought glory and bounty upon us, but the name does not reflect our people’s destiny as the infinite masters of this galaxy. We must make it clear that we are humanity’s only true way forward, not the abhumans of the United Nations of Earth, twisted children who have lost their way from the righteous path. We are the Imperium of Man. A human interstellar empire that will span millennia … Also, the name just sounds super freaking cool, am I right?"

Image: Empress Beauclair unveils the Commonwealth’s kick-ass rebrand.

The CoM has long struggled to project an image of credibility in the galaxy due its permissive attitude towards slavery and purging, especially of xenos. However, since the rebrand, U-Poll metrics suggest the general public have a much more favourable response to these policies. SpaceTime magazine went as far to describe the name-change as “totally epic… Beauclair could literally destroy the galaxy and we’d be rooting for it.”

Despite this, the Galactic UN’s Bureau of Bureaucracy, which oversees all formal name changes, has warned that the CoM’s request to change its name may be delayed after they received an extra-dimensional cease and desist order from another, reportedly older Imperium of Man. The order read as follows:

"Congratulations on your humanoid species changing its name to the Imperium of Man. It does sound really cool. We should know, given we invented it. You know what’s not cool? When when you discover 205,101 other humanoid species in 105,101 parallel universes have also named themselves Imperium of Man. The High Lords of Terra, on behalf of our God-Emperor of the original Imperium of Man, demand the Commonwealth reverts to its original name. If it wishes to continue using our brand, copyright charges are billable to the Adeptus Terra Copyright Department."

At present the cost of the copyright infringement and legal fees are estimated to require the sacrifice of 20,000 female humanoid citizens into the Wantamis Black Hole, where the legal message originated from.

Empress Beauclair has yet to respond.

---

Commonwealth of Man Insults ‘Repugnant Xeno’ United Nations of Earth

The Commonwealth of Man (CoM) today launched a volley of scathing insults aimed at the United Nations of Earth (UNE).

In a statement broadcast to state-owned media, Commonwealth leader Executor Sidney Beauclair announced:

"The United Nations of Earth's repeated cursed acts of treachery against humanity are in betrayal of such profound trust and warm love shown by the Commonwealth of Man. Their political tricksters and military imbeciles are at the centre of a plot aimed to fraud and swindle our glorious Commonwealth, which has been bared for all to admire, but never touch. Their citizens are repugnant xenos, cowering under their layers of clothes, hiding their sad frames from us. Their leader, so-called president Jeffrey Rossario, is a mentally deranged individual steeped in the inveterate enmity towards the Commonwealth. Like a rabid dog, the UNE tries to bite us. We will bite back."

Image: Commonwealth Executor Sidney Beauclair

While it is not clear what has prompted this statement, relations between the neighbouring space-nations have been increasingly frosty in recent months, most notably after the Commonwealth test fired long-range fusion missiles near to the UNE system of Procyon.

Political analysts on Earth suspect the insult may be in response to the UNE’s plans to build a series of frontier outposts in mineral-rich territory the Commonwealth has been planning on expanding towards. Intergalactic relations expert Professor Charles Charlemagne XXI of Earth's University of Ulm added:

"This is simple sabre rattling on the Commonwealth's part. We've seen this pattern of behaviour before when things haven't been going well in their internal affairs - a food or energy crisis for example. Suddenly the UNE gets labelled as some external aggressor, the people have an existential crisis and fall in line behind Beauclair. The UNE has done nothing to warrant this - aside from destroying several dozen Commonwealth ships, and implanting a network of spies on Unity to rile up discontent - the whole thing is totally unjustified."

The Commonwealth, a UNE breakaway state, was formed in 2150 after Sidney Beauclair’s grandfather, Magnus Beauclair, overthrew the crew of the USS Ulysses, a colony ship, and settled the planet of Unity in the Deneb system, shaping political affairs in his own image.

For decades the one-planet Commonwealth has been one of the galaxy’s most secretive societies, a nominal democracy ruled in reality under a fanatic militarist and xenophobic hereditary dictatorship. Almost of a century of rigid state control have led to a stagnant economy and limited space expansion. The government’s permissive attitude towards slavery and purging political opponents has left it being accused of systematic xeno rights abuses by the Galactic UN.

---

Xenophiles Offer Unbidden Federation Membership

Lyria, Argea System, Lyrian Polity

The Lyrian Polity, a founding member of the Harmonious Axis federation, has initiated voting to allow the Unbidden to become a federation member.

This follows the Unbidden’s invasion and subsequent purging of Lyria’s neighbour and main trading partner, the Uri Nation.

Image: The Lyrian Polity delegation officially announces the invitation at the Harmonius Axis summit. Unfortunately, the Unbidden could not send a delegation. Image modified from Tom Page on Flickr.

Addressing delegates at the federation council's biweekly summit on Lyria, Polity Matriarch Athaea stated:

“My friends, our proposal today to invite the Unbidden into our federation continues our long tradition of pacifism, friendship, equality, tolerance and overwhelmingly annoying liberalism. For too long the species of this galaxy have been at war, for too long diplomacy has been a broken tool, and for too long already has this speech gone on, using cliched political rhetoric.

Yes, the Unbidden have engaged in a non-stop genocide of every civilisation they have encountered. And yes, they have declined our offer of federation association status, which in retrospect must have been very insulting to them. But we must try to include those who are different, irrespective of whether they are trying to destroy everything we hold dear.

I hope you will agree with us in voting to allow the Unbidden to join our federation, and secure peace and prosperity for all.”

The six predominantly xenophile/pacifist members of the federation are set to vote later this evening. Early reports indicate the proposal will be universally backed.

The Unbidden have yet to respond to any diplomatic overtures, preferring to instead focus on indiscriminate, systematic annihilation of all non-Unbidden lifeforms.

If the vote passes, a diplomatic attaché is set to depart from Lyria tomorrow, bound for the nearest Unbidden anchor to deliver the proposal.

If the Unbidden were to accept membership, then they would need to adopt strict federation rules including only being able to engage in defensive wars, accepting all galactic refugees, and granting all species equal citizenship. This would then qualify them for membership in the Galactic UN, and - given their military strength - a seat on the coveted Space Security Council.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

Scientists Strike Over Introduction of Auto-Surveying Science Ships

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

Employees at three of the United Nations of Earth's (UNE's) largest Science Academies are to stage strikes in the coming weeks, the Science & Technology First Union (STFU) has confirmed.

STFU members at the Academy of Physics, Academy of Society and Academy of Engineering will walk out on September 10th.

The 1-month strike is the latest in a series of bitter disputes over research lab staffing and plans to upgrade all science ships with new automated exploration protocols.

Image: Science teams in all fields of science are going on strike to raise awareness and play video games.

UNE central government has expressed dismay at the prospect of the Academies striking:

“STFU's proposals would mean the UNE will be left without scientific progress and exploration for a significant period of time. We will lag behind our neighbours in technology and may never find out the secrets of that level 2 anomaly in Barnard’s Star. Auto-surveying science ships are necessary to allow us to explore space more efficiently, because after 200 years of manual flight, every system looks the same anyway. It means the scientists on those ships spend less time clicking orders and developing substance misuse traits, and more time doing actual work.”

STFU leadership stated they were “angry and frustrated.” Physicist and commander of the science ship ISS Fanfic, Mikhail Kontarsky, stated:

“This will cost us jobs and drive scientists into other careers, like sector governors. Come on, what sort of twisted government would push people into being sector governors? Only last year the Academies were encouraging us to sacrifice ourselves to a strange Being in a black hole, and now this? Enough is enough. I’ve already gained a stubborn trait, and if this continues I’m sure I’ll get arrested development.”

The auto-surveying technology has been developed by Ubaric TechnoUnion-based CybrexCorp, and is set to be introduced to UNE science ships in late 2268.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

Billions Dead After Sector Governor Accidentally Terraforms Wrong Planet

Pcuss Prime, Saryara System, Pcuss Star Congress

At least 14.3 billion Pcussian citizens are feared dead after a rogue sector governor terraformed 3 colonized worlds into biomes incompatible with existing life forms.

The multiple terraforming projects took place in the planet heavy system of Zendaya and completed simultaneously this morning, causing cataclysmic ecosystem collapse.

Image: This far the only confirmed survivors are the former workers of the space ports

In a press release moments ago, Pcussian president P’Frr stated:

“This is a dark hour for the Pcuss Star Congress. The Zendaya Sector has been completely annihilated following the actions of Governor P’Latt, who has been confirmed dead alongside billions of our fellow citizens.

For reasons we cannot yet comprehend, Governor P’Latt took it upon himself to terraform three pristine continental worlds into arid wastelands. Horrifically, when the terraforming completed, the atmospheres on all of these worlds collapsed, asphyxiating anything organic above ground.

This process began 3 years ago, and was hidden from Central Congress. We had absolutely no indication or notification this was happening, other than P’Latt requesting 50,000 extra energy credits in financial support for the sector every week.

We will rebuild, we will persevere, we will change our government notification system to filter out spam – but for now we must remember those we have lost.”

P’Latt had been appointed to governorship 3 and a half years ago, and was widely rumoured to be inexperienced and substance misusing.

Pcussian rescue teams are currently combing the remains of the former worlds to see if any survivors were able to make it airlocks below ground, but their prognosis remains extremely guarded.

The Pcussian Star Congress has revoked all sector authority, and declared a 70 year period of mourning.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

Military Command Demands Transport Fleets Stop Renaming Themselves

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

High profile generals and admirals from the United Nations of Earth (UNE) have penned an open letter to President Jeffrey Rossario demanding he allocate extra government funding to help address the problem of troop transport fleets randomly renaming themselves.

The issue has reportedly been ongoing for decades, with UNE transport ships refusing to stick to their predefined numerical groups, often changing call-sign mid-mission, resulting in significant logistical difficulties for fleet command at the Dodecahedron in Ulm.

Image: UNE commanders often have to ask themselves, “What the hell is going on?”

The letter, headlined by UNE general Laya Morgana, explains: 

“The idea that transport fleets have the autonomy to change their name at their own whim is unacceptable and completely undermines the idea military of command and hierarchy.

As commander of the UNE’s 1st Transport Fleet, I have had personal experience of the difficulties that can arise from this.

Most recently, I led a classified mission to secure a rogue automated TacoBell in the neutral zone that was serving vegetarian menus. Thankfully, the operation was a complete success, but on our return to Earth's starport, we were refused landing clearance as the Spaceport Authority did not recognise our callsign 'Transport Fleet XI.' And why would they? That callsign didn't exist when we departed as the 1st Transport Fleet.

Why is this happening? How is this happening? It took us three days to land as I had to go around manually re-coding our fleet name.

This is unacceptable. Myself and my fellow council of UNE generals and admirals demand extra funding to resolve this area of concern.

President Rossario, who is currently on his 3rd week of vaction in the Maralago System, has yet to respond.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

Humanity Celebrates Fairly Inane Orbiting Event

A record number of 8.3 billion humans are set to celebrate a fairly inane orbiting event later today on Earth, the United Nations of Earth’s eponymous homeworld.

The locally termed ‘solar eclipse’ will see the orbit of Earth’s moon, Luna, line up directly between Earth and Sol, the system’s sun. Planetside, this gives the appearance of Sol being ‘blacked out’, dimming light momentarily.

Image: The eclipse as viewed from Earth’s capital, Ulm.

Regarded as a minor space weather anomaly by the majority of other space-faring nations, humans have anticipated the event with fervent hysteria, with many on Earth planning on actually venturing outside and staring directly into blinding light to watch a temporary visibility change.

The response from across the galaxy has been scathing. The UNE’s longstanding rivals, the Bak’nerg, issued this statement earlier:

“It’s worrying to see a species that has achieved FTL fawn over something most pre-FTL species wouldn’t even bother worshipping for a pantheon. Our galaxy literally has apocalyptic Unbidden invaders, giant laser beams, space dragons, and yet the humans are more excited about this.”

Human historian Dr. Harvey Henry Harvey hit back however, stating:

“The eclipse is culturally significant to us, and that should be respected. Granted, I can’t really tell you why it’s significant to us, other than it’s a bit odd to see it being dark when we expect it to be light, but there you go. Humanity is known to have longstanding pointless ritualistic events and behaviours, like shopping and capitalism in general. If we want to burn our own eyes by having a gawk at the galaxy, let us do so. And anyway, the other aliens shouldn’t judge, half of them look like giant d*cks.”

The criticism comes at a time when the UNE’s political reputation in the local cluster is particularly delicate, following a string of recent scandals involving its sitting president, Jeffrey Rossario. Notably despite this, Rossario's opinion polls have actually improved today following the introduction of a mandatory 15-day 'Solar Eclipse Public Holiday' for all UNE citizens.

---

Blorg Commonality to Compete in Earth's Football Championship

The Human Football Authority (HFA) has confirmed the Blorg Commonality will be allowed to participate in the United Nations of Earth's (UNE's) 2251 Football Championship.

The Blorg have had a longstanding and overly attached fascination with human culture since first contact, and for years have petitioned the HFA to allow their species to compete in the human-only pastime.

The HFA previously rejected the Blorgs' request on the grounds they lack feet, which had been deemed as essential to play. However, following the Blorgs' pledge to assist the UNE in the War on the Unbidden, the HFA relaxed this criteria.

Football, also known as soccer or sphere kicking, is a traditional human game in which two opposing teams chase a small, brightly-coloured, gas-filled orb, also known as a 'ball'. The game takes place on a large, flat green-hued fescue field, locally known as 'grass', under Earth-like gravity. The two teams each guard one of two nets standing on opposite sides of the field, and points are scored depending on how often each team can penetrate their opponents nets with the orb. In an unusual twist, each team is only allowed to move the orb with their lower limbs, hence the 'foot' prefix. The team with the most points at the end of the game wins. 

The Football Championship runs annually in Earth's capitol of Ulm, with teams fielded from each UNE planet. FC Earth-Ryukyu and FC Horizon are the best known teams in the local cluster.

Image: The Blorg Commonality has already formed an intragalactic team and is currently in the process of recruiting players.

News that the Blorg have been allowed into the championships has stirred a buzz on Blorg Prime, with thousands requesting to participate, like Gunilla Miller, a freelance librarian on St. Knatchbull:

"I'm very excited! Football is so intriguing. I'm very interested in spheres, and I'm very interested in human legs. When the prospect of interacting with these two elements in the form of a game with our human friends came up, I just couldn't resist it."

The reaction among human football fans has generally been positive, as FC Earth-Ryukyu fan Misha Kontarsky told us:

"I think it adds something different to the game, having a team that doesn't have legs and can only slither across the pitch in a slow manner. Plus, it gives those poor human players over at FC Horizon a chance to finally win a match."

The announcement will likely pave the way for other non-human species to apply to compete, which in turn may lead to the creation of the first intergalactic sports association.

Tune in to our sports segment tonight for further coverage on the above developments.

---

Study Confirms Absolute Limit To Planet Size: 25 Tiles

Image: the University of Ulm’s SQuARES study reveals a surprising trend in the distribution of planet sizes. (SQuARES Study, Vol et al, Scientific Journal of Reddit, Aug 2250)

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

A recent breakthrough in exogeology at the University of Ulm has born convincing evidence that planetary bodies in the universe cannot be larger than 25 squares.

Professor Julian Vol, Chair of the University of Ulm's Department of Physics and Astronomy, led the work of nearly 150 scientists from around the local cluster in the landmark Survey to Quantify Amount ofRectangles on Earth-like Surfaces (SQuARES) study. 

In an interview with the highly respected Reddit Peer Reviewed Journal of Science, Prof. Vol said the following of the discovery:

"A leap forward like this one does not occur often in any area of science, and when it does it usually is the result of great effort. This pursuit of the truth has been no different. I cannot express how proud I am to have interacted with and coordinated so many great minds throughout the duration of this project."

The work by Prof. Vol and others was conducted over the course of 13 years and required first-hand data collection from nearly 75 star systems as well as remotely-collected data from 100,000 more. These data sets were processed by the Co-Orbital Computer (COC), a two kilometer sphere that orbits Sol at Earth's second Lagrange point.

The study was one of the most expensive ever undertaken in human history, with the COC costing 300 million energy credits alone to construct. Even with funding from the Galactic Facts Office (GtFO), additional funding had to be allocated from the UNE's Ministry of Defence on the condition that a series of 'scientific' Tachyon Lances could be installed on the COC.

The study has been criticised by some for its methodology and unclear definition of what exactly 25, or indeed 1 square means.

When prompted to explain this result in more detail, Prof. Vol responded:

"I'm not sure what you are asking. It is simply the case that planets quite literally cannot be larger than 25 squares. The unit is a sq or square. By definition 1 square would be 1/25th of a very big planet."

University of Ulm alumini have been quick to dub this result "Vol's Law", but Prof. Vol has insisted that this name be discarded in favor of something more descriptive, such as "The 25-Square Rule of Planetary Geology".

> More accurate news from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.

New Translation Device Developed For Flagellum-Waving Species

Gacrux, Gacrux System, Nagli Dominion

First contact between United Nations of Earth (UNE) representatives and a delegation from the recently discovered planet of Gacrux was made difficult yesterday owing to a failure of UNE translation software to parse the communication method used by the Nagli, the only intelligent inhabitants of Gacrux.

The Nagli do not communicate using sound like most other sentient species in the galaxy. Instead, they move their several flagella around to convey thoughts and ideas. They have evolved to be able to see infrared light so that nighttime communication is possible, and their anatomy also features a complete view of all surroundings with the use of 36 well-placed eyes.

Image: The translation devices are methodically and thoroughly tested before being put into practice to prevent awkward misunderstandings.

After conducting routine research about the nature of the Nagli and Gacrux, UNE officials made the decision last month to move forward with an official first contact.

Questions remained about how exactly the Nagli were communicating, but it was assumed that this would become obvious upon interaction. This was not the case.

Captain Joseph Krik of the USS Shakira, a specialist in first contacts, said of the incident:

"It was actually quite refreshing to have to begin communication from nothing and work up. Perhaps the most beautiful thing in the universe is the peaceful beginning of interstellar communication."

After nearly three hours of deciphering, UNE officials were finally able to make basic overtures to the Nagli. It was apparently necessary for six members of the UNE delegation to stand together and all arrange their arms correctly to match the flagella of a single Nagle. The Nagli response was - according to the best guesses of UNE linguists - warm and welcoming, if slightly exasperated.

A device that will allow for more automatic communication between the UNE and Nagli Union is already being designed, and the first prototypes have performed well in the initial tests, despite significant engineering challenges. According to the UNE sociologists working on the project, the first tier of the translation device should be completed within sixteen months.

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.

Corporate Buyout Collapses After Technical Issue With Energy Transfer

Blorg Prime, Blorg System, Blorg Commonality

The highly anticipated corporate buyout of social media company FaceBlorg by tech giant Fruit-AI, has collapsed due to technical issues with energy credit transfer.

The deal, reportedly worth around 1.2 trillion energy credits, was due to be processed today but failed after internal auditing at FaceBlorg revealed the company had no meaningful mechanism to receive energy credits from Fruit-AI due to 'plug and socket irregularities.'

Image: Faceblorg and Fruit AI engineers at the official buyout ceremony on Blorg Prime attempt to convert the incompatible credits.

Snark Tucker, ironic arthropod non-Blorg CEO of FaceBlorg, made the following statement this morning:

"It is with regret that we announce the buyout of our company has been halted.

Our engineers realised all too late that Fruit-AI's unique own brand of one-pronged plugs would not fit into our tri-pronged sockets, and so there was no way for any transaction to be processed.

I'd like to reassure FaceBlorg users that we only accepted this buyout so management could become really wealthy, and that ordinary user's consumption of corporate advertising will continue uninterrupted.

This is just another obstacle we'll pay for someone else to sort out for us."

FaceBlorg, the wildly successful niche Blorg social media start-up, has long been eyed up by the tech giant Fruit-AI, which has sought to expand its influence into the Blorg's highly insular and socially awkward neural net community.

Zoghren, floating fungoid CEO of Fruit-AI, made this statement moments ago:

"I'm not really sure why we didn't think of this before.

It really puts a dent in our plans to assimilate all neural net users into an advertisement watching hivemind."

Shareholders from both companies have urged for the deal to continue, requesting Fruit-AI convert energy credits into minerals to allow for a physical payment. FaceBlorg has rejected this, citing the cost and time it would take to construct an estimated 3,400 mineral silos to allow for storage of the minerals.

Economists have called for the creation of either a universal plug/socket system, or even a galactic currency, highlighting that the current method of energy transfer is inconsistent and unsustainable. 

FaceBlorg and Fruit-AI shares on the composite Space Exchange Index (SEXI) fell on the news.

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.

Primitives Worship Fiery Fleet Battle Aftermath

Sirius V Orbital Research Station, Sirius System, United Nations of Earth

United Nations of Earth (UNE) xenopologists studying stone-age civilizations on Sirius V have observed numerous groups of primitives worshiping still-glowing warship wreckage orbiting in the outer limit of the planet's atmosphere.

The debris is believed to have originated from the Battle of Sirius, a space battle which occurred 5 years ago above Sirius V, and resulted in a decisive victory for the UNE against the Bak'nerg, a neighbouring race of aesthetically unpleasing reptilian fanatic purifiers.

The UNE's 1st Starfleet, commanded by Admiral A.K Barr aboard the USS Yoko Ono, crippled the Bak'nerg navy despite being significantly outnumbered, and in the process destroyed the reptilian flagship BWS N'Kashka.

Image: A tribe of molluscoid primitives on Sirius V observes the glowing wreckage from the Battle of Sirius on a clear night. This tribe seems to regard it as the malevolent embodiment of all the hatred and anger in the universe.

N'Kashka's violent destruction, and the resulting explosion of its central reactor, created a large debris field which have since become locked in orbit above Sirius V, still glowing with residual energy from the advanced heat sink materials used in Bak'nerg engineering.

UNE scientists aboard the newly constructed Sirius V Orbital Research Station quickly noticed N'Kashka's wreckage appeared to be having a profound sociocultural impact on the planetside molluscoid primitives.

Dr. Nalia Monshego, director of the station, described the team's "incredibly exciting" observations;

"From the surface, the debris cloud is extremely large, equivalent to the planet's largest moon, Sirius V Minor, which the primitives previously held well developed mythologies around it being an omnipotent aphrodisiac sky molluscoid. However, since the wreckage has appeared, the primitives' belief systems appear to have been significantly altered."

The various primitive cultures have not reacted uniformly to the debris - some are actively worshipping it as a new central deity, but other subgroups have reacted much more negatively, as Dr. Monshego reported;

"One culture on the planet has apparently even been observed trying to recreate the explosion. While it is most unlikely that the primitives would succeed in this endeavour, their new fascination for violent detonations has lead to them to prematurely invent gunpowder. If they invent guns and biologically develop opposable thumbs, this may have a dramatic impact on the future of their species."

Dr. Monshego's team are due to publish their observations latter this month in the Earth's prestigious peer-reviewed Reddit Journal of Science.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Taco Bell Launches Controversial New XenoWrap

Taco Bell, a human chain of fine-dining restaurants, has stirred controversy across the local cluster after announcing plans to serve sentient species in its updated gourmet menu.

Launching the contemporary cuisine from a press conference aboard Taco Bell's corporate space station, ISS Mexcellent, CEO Jale Peneo stated:

"Taco Bell has always been at the forefront of pushing the boundaries of our collective tastebuds.

You only have to look at our innovative history to see that - in 2100 we had the award-winning 7-Layer Domestic Cat Taco©. In 2150 we had the universally loved Double Opium Crunchwrap©. 

However, today marks the launch of a game changer.

Taco Bell is taking pan-galactic flavours to the next level with our Xenowrap© range- including the Chili Con Cutie©, Soylent Taco© and the highly anticipated Roasted Pre-Sent© .

Xenos have enthralled us since we discovered FTL. We've talked to them, traded with them, heck even waged war with them -- but have we ever really eaten them? Not until now!"

Image: Taco Bell’s latest advertisement displaying the newest additions to its menu.

Taco Bell has already identified several planets in the neutral zone to begin domesticating and harvesting sentient and pre-sentient native species for mass consumption. Industry experts suspect pre-industrial species who cannot read or write, and thus sign disclosure forms, will be targeted.

The decision seems to be largely related to the Galactic UN passing the 'Unity resolution', which has enshrined the rights of omnivores to eat other species, if they are deemed delicious enough.

Xenophiles from across the galaxy have decried Taco Bell's new menu as "abhorrent" and "really overpriced."

Garden worlds such as New Eden and Horizon have also lobbied UNE central government to block the menu, due to fears that a shift towards so-call 'xenomnivorism' could damage their traditional genetically modified chicken-cow-sheep-horse chimera farming economy.

Our newsteam put these concerns to Peneo at the press conference, who replied:

"For those who have issue with eating Xenos, fear not, we have our vegetarian Plantoid Variety Pack©, which contains as many plant-things that feel pain as we could find."

Taco Bell shares rallied on the announcement.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

SpacePope Welcomes Unbidden 'Overlords'

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

Extra-dimensional invaders, the so-called 'Unbidden', have seized control of the human colony of Hope in the Terminus System, crippling the UNE's rapid counter-defence efforts. 

Hope fell early in the early hours of this morning after seven minutes of planetary bombardment and ground invasion. Communications have been lost with the planet and initial reports suggest nearly all of the 10,000 colonists may have perished.

Terminus marks the 35th system to have fallen in the Outer Rim since the Unbidden began pouring into the nearby Omega System from a tear in the space-time continuum 28 months ago.

Image: Breaking news alert - Unbidden invaders attack Terminus.

Since their arrival they have been indiscriminately hostile towards all organic life forms, and are unresponsive to diplomatic channels of communication.

The Galactic UN has called several times for the formation of an interstellar coalition to counter to threat, but has struggled to muster support from spacenations that are not in the immediate vicinity of the Outer Rim. During this time period the Unbidden have been able to proliferate unchecked, and have annihilated 17 space-faring species.

Terminus is the first and outermost human system to be attacked, even though the UNE previously opposed Galactic UN anti-Unbidden initiatives to focus on "other priorities" such as feral Tiyanki culling.

Both UNE central government and military command have stated they are "deeply concerned" about the developments in Terminus and described the situation as "probably worth getting involved in now."

Despite this, a number of human factions remain opposed to a military response. Human SpacePope Performance H. Metro II issued a decree from the Vatican Space Station, ISS Deus Vult, urging restraint in fighting back against the Unbidden:

"The Unbidden overlords are servants of RNGesus and the glorious rapture is upon us as taught in the Holy iBook. Come, children, let us embrace their XL matter disintegrators with open arms."

Galactic shares have fallen on the news, following the destruction of the Galactic Stock Exchange in the Quirrulan System by the Unbidden.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

UNE President Faces Corruption Probe Over Inappropriate Influence Spending

Embattled United Nations of Earth (UNE) president Jeffrey Rossario is tonight in a further political quagmire after details emerged showing he inappropriately spent government influence to help him gain office and suppress political rivals.

The detailed information was contained in Rossario's consciousness and thought streams, which were inadvertently uploaded to the Shroud 3 weeks ago and freely accessible to anyone with psionic traits or a TeleShroud-enabled fax machine.

Image: Rossario inside the UNE Congress chamber in Ulm, Earth.

Rossario has so far refused to comment on the above.

UNE congresswoman Karla Karling of Earth's Francia District, who previously ran and lost against Rossario in the closely contested 2249 presidential election, made this statement:

"This is a deeply disturbing revelation, and one that shakes our very democracy to the core. While I accepted the election result at the time, it just didn't make sense to me. The U-Polls said we were going to win. 142 out of the last 143 sitting presidents have been Karlings. We were suppressed. Rossario is not fit to lead humanity."

Spending government influence for personal use is strictly prohibited by galactic convention.

The leak is a significant blow to Rossario's fledgling administration which has struggled to recover from a string of crippling crises, including the now dubbed 'ShroudGate' and Rossario's recent proposal to abolish universal healthcare to fund building a defensive Space Wall around UNE territory.

A government ethics committee has convened in Earth's capital Ulm tonight to decide whether Rossario should face a formal corruption probe.

The Viper Probe, 1.6m in length and 3m in circumference, has 5 multipurpose arms which test rectally for levels of corruption in faecal matter. If positive, the results could pave the way for an impeachment charge.

---

Hivemind Wins 100% Of Drone Vote In Landslide Telepathic Election Victory

Saiiban Prime, Nos Bana, Saiiban Hivemind

The Saiiban Hivemind has secured a 53rd consecutive term in power, following a stunning election victory on its homeworld of Saiiban Prime.

Setting a galactic record, the election was completed after only ten microseconds. 100% of Saiiban population drones voted unanimously for the only candidate on the telepathic ballot.

Broadcasting via intrusive visual hallucinations to all sentient creatures in the local cluster, the Hivemind elect declared:

"We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one."

Jubilant scenes were reported across Saiiban Prime, with millions of drones clapping slowly, and somewhat menacingly, in unison. 

Local drone 3929 was eager to explain to our newsteam why he had voted for the Hivemind:

"We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one."

The Galactic UN, previously sceptical of the legitimacy of the election due to the lack of viable candidates, applauded the exceedingly high voter turnout and is now officially encouraging all democratic nations to consider adopting Hivemind protocols to foster further interstellar democracy.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.