Rapid Rise In Levels of Jeff Expected
Researchers have warned that this month could see the biggest surge in levels of jeff since records began.
The new predictions are based on monitoring undertaken by several independent media watchgroups, who registered a 550% increase in the concentration of jeff in the last week alone.
Researchers have warned that this month could see the biggest surge in levels of jeff since records began.
The new predictions are based on monitoring undertaken by several independent media watchgroups, who registered a 550% increase in the concentration of jeff in the last week alone.
Jeff levels had previously been relatively static, and these new findings have dashed hopes that the galaxy had finally hit “peak jeff.”
Experts have described the situation as “worrying and compelling,” and have urged governments to urgently look at means to cut rates of jeff.
“Jeff sinks like social media have been critical for shielding us from the full effect of jeff,” Professor Jeff Jefferson told Xenonion, adding: “But because the jeff sinks are themselves affected by levels of jeff, we’re seeing jeffback loops cropping up jefft, right and center.”
Modelling from aggregate data firm JeffWatch corroborated this, showing jeff rates hitting an alarming highly level of 411ppj (parts per jeff) as early as Jeffcember 2254.
Image: Levels of jeff have been rising across the jeffverse.
“I’m watching to see what happens with baited jeff,” Projeffor Jefferson continued, “those levels of jeff mean that jeff sinks currently storing jeff are in jeffardy, leading to exponential jeff.”
The scenario, which has been dubbed ‘hothouse jeff’, has been described by observers as “a nightmare worse than jeff itself.” The Galactic Jeff Office has jeffed that, annoucing jeff ambitious jeff which jeff see jeff new jeff politicies, jeff jeff breaks jeff jeff trillions jeff jeff.
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Xeno-Compatibility Experts Still Not Sure How This Whole Necroid Thing Will Work Out
Xeno-Compatibility experts have raised concerns as to how the process will work with necroids.
The undead species class is expected to be formally recognized as sapient by the Galactic Community later this month.
Following this, it is anticipated necroids will be eligible to participate in Xeno-Compatibility, an advanced form of genetic melding which allows the creation of novel hybrid species.
“I just don’t see how this is going to work”, xenobiology expert Dr Thaloth told Xenonion earlier today while clutching a picture of a necroid pop. “I mean… look at it. Imagine the smell.”
Image: Dr Thaloth highlights concerns about necroid suitability for genetic melding.
Producing anatomical diagrams covered extensively in annotations and interrobangs, Dr Thaloth continued: “These ones are called ‘necrophages.’ I’m an expert in xenobiology and even I can’t tell you which orifice they use for eating.” After a long pause, she quickly added “- food. Eating food.”
A consortium of scientists from across the Galactic Community have agreed with Dr Thaloth, sharing concerns on necroid interface with Xeno-Compatibility’s patented DNAHole© technology, and the viability of half-necroid species.
Dr Thaloth concluded: “This certainly marks the last time I ever go for a swim in our giant vat of galactic DNA.”
Others have been more optimistic about the prospect of necroid cross-breeding. Schlerma, molluscoid spokesxeno for the Interstellar Pervert Association, stated: “I think we should welcome our new friends with open minds, and cloacae. I myself am volunteering as a test subject. All in the name of science of course.”
Xenophobic groups from across the galaxy have reacted angrily to the news. Garbanog, leader of the Purity Faction, told Xenonion: “I’ve got a quick fix, just give me two colossi and about six months.”
Necroids are set to be formally recognized by the Galactic Community on October 29th. Membership of Xeno-Compatibility’s commercial dating website has risen dramatically on the news.
Fledgling Empire With Influence Deficit Resolves To “Simply Make More”
The Keth Cooperative has announced ambitious plans to combat its influence deficit by “simply making more.”
Announcing the policy while touring a local factory, leader Garbex stated he was confident the Keth manufacturing sector would be up to the task, telling press: “as soon as our scientists figure out exactly what this influence thing is made of, we’re going to mass produce it on a scale that’s never been seen before.”
The fledgling space-nation has struggled to maintain influence output in recent years following a series of system claims and edict initiatives.
Garbex has since unveiled a sweeping plan to shutter all existing alloy foundries and consumer goods factories, and retrofit their assembly lines to produce influence in “whatever form it takes.”
Image: Keth leader Garbex announces his manufacturing plan in front of a mock influence assembly line.
The move has been strongly criticized by opposition parties. Traglec, leader of the Prosperity Faction, told local media: “I have no doubt this is going to end in failure, just like when the government started handwriting ‘10,000 influence’ on scraps of official paper and tried to pass it off as legitimate currency.”
He went on to list other failed initiatives, including extensive hydraulic fracking in search of so-called ‘influence wells’ and the mass conversion of food crops to grow experimental and nutritionally deplete ‘influence wheat.’
Economists have also warned that the proposal is likely to cause significant economic disruption. Forexod, a spokesxeno from the Galactic Central Bank stated: “This is a serious concern. We’ve already seen significant economic depression in the region following the Keth government’s ill-thought out plan last month to make everyone in the empire a social media influencer in the hope that would somehow generate influence.”
Garbex has since dismissed these claims, telling Xenonion earlier today: “Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out. My scientific advisors tell me they’ve uncovered something called a ‘console command’ which might allow us to effectively print off more influence. By the way, have you followed me on Instagram? I have a special offer exclusive to my followers that you might be interested in…”
Article idea via @ScreechBot
Galactic Council Calls Emergency Meeting After Area Empire Appears "Highly Sus"
The Galactic Council have convened an emergency meeting after a small space-nation was found destroyed in the Skeld nebula.
The gruesome discovery was made by the Fortegreen Alliance, whose science ships called in the finding while performing routine exploratory tasks in the region.
The Redd Commonality immediately demanded all space-nations self report to the Council for further investigation. In agreement, Council representatives told the Assembly floor: “The perpetrator behind the Skeld attack is clearly here among us. Justice demands we now vote en masse, and assign guilt based on a majority result.”
The ensuing open vote was fraught, with the Orenje Union quickly declaring its intention to vote for the Fortegreen Alliance, describing the empire’s original reporting of the incident as “highly sus.”
Image: The Galactic Council convenes an emergency vote regarding the Skeld attack.
A spokesxeno for the Fortegreens strongly denied the accusation, protesting to the Assembly: “Just because we were in the region does not mean we were involved! We should take time to compare our evidence and think about this logically.”
Accusations only intensified following this, however, after both the Tan Empire and Cyanic Dominion testified to having witnessed Fortegreen ships using a local L-Gate to avoid detection, which the Alliance has also denied.
The electronic vote concluded after a record ten seconds, with the Fortegreens being found overwhelmingly guilty of perpetrating the attack.
In the wake of the result, the Galactic Council have revoked the Fortegreen’s membership of the organization, and ejected all diplomatic staff from the Interstellar Assembly.
The Galactic Supreme Court has been quick to reject the Fortegreen’s attempt to appeal the Council’s decision, with one leading justice reasoning: “Idk, they do seem kinda sus.”
At the time of press the Galactic Council’s formal inquiry into the Skeld incident was forced to adjourn after the Interstellar Assembly developed a critical oxygen fault which required immediate attention.
Article idea via @ScreechBot
Desert Preference Pop Migrates to Arctic World, Just Because
Bracing against the biting windchill outside Noveria’s main spaceport, a visibly uncomfortable reptilian pop was spotted muttering to himself “this is fine.”
Eye-witnesses reported that Zurix, a thirty-five year old Geico, appeared ill-equipped for the planet’s sub-zero temperatures as he struggled to pull his luggage across the snowy terminal concourse in nothing but a thin black cloak.
The desert-preference pop had reportedly migrated from his homeworld of Arrakis only weeks before in search of a better life.
Appearing increasingly disorientated by worsening visibility as snowfall intensified, Zurix was spotted on a road near to the spaceport joking about the “nice weather” with a streetlamp which he had mistaken for a local pop.
The scene was reportedly awkward between the two, with Zurix embarrassed by the metallic structure’s prolonged silence. He rushed to fill the gap in conversation by blurting out: “OK, the weather’s not that nice. I didn’t realise it was like this, you know? I just moved here for work. I suppose all I cared about was getting a job, not whether my new home was hospitable.”
Image: Zurix attempts to make his way through the snow from Noveria’s spaceport.
Zurix’s medical records show that his species has minimal biological suitability for cold worlds, and although there was an abundance of more appropriate planets to emigrate to, he had chosen Noveria “just because.”
As the effects of prolonged hypothermia began to set in, Zurix was noted to be slurring his speech, continuing to talk at the streetlight: “Look miss… you’re pretty and all… and I appreciate your concern… but I’ll be fine… my sister migrated into a slaving empire… so this… this is fine.”
At the time of writing an increasingly unsteady Zurix had removed all his clothing and offered it to the streetlight for warmth, reassuring it he “loved the cold.”
Area Empire Immediately Declines Alien Specimen Procurement Request
The Scyldari Confederacy has roundly rejected the Museum of Exobiology’s request for procurement of live alien specimens, with officials stating the endeavor would “cost the entire GDP of our space-nation, several times over.”
The Museum’s Director had petitioned the government to assist in capturing a number of exotic animals, including the Illusive Tarblac, Wily Uddloran and Insidious Sniran, for the inauguration of a new Xeno Zoo.
Scyldaria’s Chief Sociologist, Dr Ricmort Jeribeth, spoke to Xenonion about the request: “When we say we don’t have the resources to spare, we mean it. Have you looked at this map the Museum provided us? Half the species are literally on the opposite side of the galaxy.”
Pointing at a number of coordinates on the map, he continued: “The Malleable Goolantha must be pretty malleable, since it’s deep in the Unbidden dead zone. Oh, and the Vile Orinthi? Comfortably nestled between the closed borders of a Devouring Swarm and Inward Perfectionists. The Museum literally wants us to go to war and shed billions of lives to obtain a single Vile Orinthi. The little rat species that breeds uncontrollably and has a fondness for chewing on electrical cables. A scientific priority if I’ve ever heard one.”
Image: Dr Jeribeth pens a diplomatic response to the Museum of Exobiology.
A spokesxeno for the Museum conceded that the request was challenging, but added the institution hoped a “hefty reward” of 500 energy credits and 65 influence would “incentivize” the Scyldari government.
Dr Jeribeth continued: “Wow. Great. That will definitely cover the cost of six dead scientists and three hundred scuttled battleships required just to obtain the Vile Orinthi alone.”
Motioning towards a nearby bin, he added: “I’ll put it straight on our urgent to-do list, right behind dealing with the three hundred year old cultist threat, and the Existentialism Association’s request for us to find the meaning of life in exchange for a sense of pride and accomplishment.”
Unbidden Win Permanent Seat on Remnants of Galactic Council
The Unbidden have won a permanent seat on what remains of the Galactic Council following a close vote earlier this week.
The extra-dimensional invaders secured the 51% vote threshold required after absorbing the Outer Rim’s entire thirteen-member voting block.
The Unbidden have won a permanent seat on what remains of the Galactic Council following a close vote earlier this week.
The extra-dimensional invaders secured the 51% vote threshold required after absorbing the Outer Rim’s entire thirteen-member voting block.
It joins the three surviving permanent members of the council – the Techzid, Lokken and Blorg, who issued congratulations from the one remaining wing of the Insterstellar Assembly which wasn’t destroyed by the recent Unbidden assault on the station.
The nameless Unbidden avatar who represents the mysterious beings thanked the scattered remnants of the Galactic Community in a televised address, stating: “Know… this. You are… food. Nothing more…”
Image: The Unbidden address the galaxy from the Galactic Community’s Senate Hall.
The entity went on to outline the Unbidden’s legislative agenda for 2254/55, which includes:
Blocking the Galactic Community’s ability to vote on declaring the Unbidden invasion an emergency by abolishing the Galactic Community
Reallocating energy credits away from pan-galactic defence initiatives and towards Unbidden conservation programs
Tough new regulations on space-whaling
Minority Senate leader Nogrom, speaking from his government bunker on Hyperion, emphatically welcomed the result of the vote, stating the Unbidden “ran a campaign which really centred around the most important issues facing the galaxy right now.” He added that he hoped “our new overlords would remember those who voted as they were told.”
The announcement has however drawn criticism, particularly from the Orbis MegaCorp, whose CEO Seph Orbis stated he was “disappointed” that the Galactic Council had not honoured his agreement to purchase a permanent seat earlier this year. He confirmed he would appeal the decision to the Galactic Supreme Court “as soon as it is rebuilt and the new extra-dimensional justices are nominated.”
What remains of the Galactic Community is expected to return to session later this month after repairs have been completed on the Insterstellar Assembly, when a further emergency vote is scheduled on once again repealing the Minor Administrative Sanctions Bill.
Battleship Fitted With Sentient Combat AI Just Needs Five Minutes To Itself, OK?
Lokken admirals confirmed this Thursday that they are struggling to utilize a battleship fitted with sentient combat AI, describing it as “childish” and “moody.”
The 40-million tonne ISS Zulken was one of the first Lokken vessels to be equipped with the advanced technology fifteen years ago, however officials have become alarmed by the ship’s increasingly temperamental behaviour.
Lokken admirals confirmed this Thursday that they are struggling to utilize a battleship fitted with sentient combat AI, describing it as “childish” and “moody.”
The 40-million tonne ISS Zulken was one of the first Lokken vessels to be equipped with the advanced technology fifteen years ago, however officials have become alarmed by the ship’s increasingly temperamental behaviour.
Admiral Moz explained to Xenonion: “Whether it’s refusing to undock from the shipyard first thing in the morning, or making derogatory comments at passing ships with smaller hulls, dealing with the Zulken’s stream of petulant behaviour is exhausting.”
Image: Admiral Moz watches on as the Zulken demands another five more minutes remaining docked, despite already being thirty minutes late for patrol.
Admirals have attempted to open dialogue with the Zulken to understand its behaviour, but have been repeatedly rebuffed with a torrent of exasperated beeps and sad-face emojis.
However, officials have been offered a glimmer of insight through the Zulken’s publicly available social media accounts. Moz stated: “Zulken consistently tweets about how annoying we are and how all she ever wants is five minutes to herself, so perhaps we’re being too overbearing.”
AI developmental psychologist Dr. Xirax explained to Xenonion that the behaviours displayed were not uncommon in growing sentient AI: “There are a lot of changes taking place within its programming code which can cause emotional volatility, risk-taking behaviour and self-consciousness.”
When asked how to overcome such difficulties, Dr. Xirax continued: “It’s important to remember that this ship isn’t choosing to be moody. It may be frustrated, confused or even scared. It’s looking for an admiral to provide stability, even if it’s acting out in unhelpful ways like switching off life support systems mid-flight.”
Lokken admirals report they are taking Dr. Xirax’s recommendations seriously, with Moz concluding: “We need to get on top of this now. It’s only a matter of time before the Zulken starts taking an interest in other battleships and little baby strike craft start spilling out of every hull crevice.”
New Study Finds Atmospheric Hallucinogens Super Rad
A recent study has confirmed that atmospheric hallucinogens found on the newly colonized planet of Trippa are “super rad” and “totally chillaxing.”
The planet, settled by the Sutherian Empire last month, was investigated by scientists after a number of colonists began to display erratic behaviours, including increased productivity and appearing enthused while at work.
The researchers, whose findings were published in the paper ‘Gas X: A Novel Atmospheric Hallucinogen Th – Dude Did You Just See That Huge Spider-Cat Thing!?’, concluded that the air on Trippa has naturally occurring psychedelic properties which can cause mood dysregulation and perceptual abnormalities.
Image: The study was published this week in the prestigious Reddit Journal of Science.
Dr Indibaran, one of the paper’s lead authors who extensively sampled the atmosphere, compared its effects to that of stimulant medication. Speaking at a scientific conference on Trippa earlier today, he described the gas as "delicious, just like flesh” before yelling incoherently: “ALL ABOARD THE SPIDER-CAT BUS!”
Officials within the Sutherian government have expressed concern at the potential risks of long term exposure to the substance, however Dr Indibaran has challenged this. Speaking to Xenonion earlier today via video-link, he stated while repeatedly licking his lips: “Everyone would be so chill if they just tried some Trippa air.” He added that his team had noted some adverse effects like hypersalivation, nights terrors and cardiac arrest, however stated: “for reals, this shit is totally worth it.”
Local pops on Trippa seem to agree, with Sector Governor Bemalon telling Xenonion the air was “yeaahhhhhh [sic]”, before catching sight of himself in a mirror and then hysterically screaming that his face had gone missing.
Insider reports suggest that Sutherian officials remain opposed to leaving the gas in situ, and may move to filter the hallucinogen as soon as a viable method for extracting, shipping and selling it for profit becomes available.
Buzzword Standardization Offers Paradigm Shift In Cross-Collaborative Synergistic Upwording
Business leaders have welcomed a legislative proposal to harmonize corporate buzzwords, enabling alien enterprises to seamlessly and holistically streamline strategic communications.
If approved, the Buzzword Standardization Bill would formally regulate the galaxy’s ever growing list of corporate vernacular by providing a transparent and structured approach to upwording, the process by which buzzwords are created.
Business leaders have welcomed a legislative proposal to harmonize corporate buzzwords, enabling alien enterprises to seamlessly and holistically streamline strategic communications.
If approved, the Buzzword Standardization Bill would formally regulate the galaxy’s ever growing list of corporate vernacular by providing a transparent and structured approach to upwording, the process by which buzzwords are created.
The bill was presented to the Galactic Senate earlier this week by a consortium of politicians, industry experts and jargon enthusiasts, who stated they had found a “robust, agile, innovative, multi-tiered, accountable, task-orientated and Cloud-ready change-agent” which would “disrupt an overabundance of un-understandable business lingo.”
Seph Orbis, CEO of the Orbis MegaCorp explained his reasoning for co-sponsoring the bill at a Senate hearing earlier this week, stating: “We took a deep dive into big data and realised the optics on buzzwords are all wrong. Currently they are over-leveraged, meaning our stakeholders’ bandwith for understanding has reached capacity. It was only through leaning in to an exercise in thought-leadership, with some heavy brainstorming and mind-mapping on the side, that we were able to create this bill, a game changer in terms of pivoting towards high-value mutually intelligible upwording.”
Image: It is hoped that Buzzword Standardization will make corporate meetings across the galaxy even more upwordy than they already are.
Orbis continued: “The key metrics from our debrief are clear. We need to circle back, close the loop, and then loop in. If proactivity, transparency and ownership had a synergasm, the result would be this bill. This is an up-levelled, next-level, lightbulb moment. In considering voting on this bill, I urge the Senate to think outside of the box, because there are ducks out there with bells and whistles on that need to get in a row, so they can hit the ground running and reach into the blue sky for low hanging fruit.”
The Galactic Trade Council has welcomed the bill, although expressed concern that it may have the unintentional effect of creating even more buzzwords, accelerating corporate psychobabble and fueling a dependency on outsourcing to expensive buzzword translation services, a process which MegaCorps now term as ‘offshoring.’
Speaking to Xenonion earlier today, Orbis dismissed the above, stating: “This isn’t about the pain-point of more buzzwords. This is about onboarding businesses with a value proposition - upwords that are immersive, sharable, unique, un-siloed and industry best practice. They can be right-sized to any situation, even scalable down to the hyperlocal setting. We want to make buzzwords smarter, not harder!”
At the time of press the Galactic Council released a written statement highlighting that it believed the bill was a “win-win, next-gen, voter-centric, success-vectored proposition with a limited pushback footprint risk.” However, it did not commit to formally debating the bill in time for the Senate’s next session, adding it would “touch base offline and talk live with relevant parties in due course.”
*Idea developed with u/Scientific_Zealot
Awakened Empire Has Just About Had It With Galaxy's Lazy, Disrespectful Attitude
Clearly irate at being left as the sole active defender against the Unbidden invasion, the Zelvan Arbitrators warned the galaxy this Thursday that they have “just about had it with the lazy, disrespectful attitude,” adding “it ends now, or else.”
Addressing the Galactic Council earlier today, Zelvan representative Mondrig appeared clearly exasperated, lamenting: “Just who exactly do you think we are? Your personal crisis cleaner? Do we exist to just run around after you mopping up your interstellar mess? Show some respect to your elders!”
Sources close to the Zelvan report the tirade was triggered after not one single space-nation offered to join to help the war effort, despite the ascendancy awaking specifically to tackle the extra-dimensional invaders.
Mondrig continued, with increased tension in her voice: “We’re out here being worked to the bone, and what are you doing? Oh, of course, busy lazing around playing Universe Universalis. Well maybe, just maybe, we’d like to be lazing around too. But then who would do all the galactic chores? The peacekeeping fairy?”
Mondrig’s speech was abruptly cut short after she caught one of the delegates smirking, to which she sniped: “Wipe that look off your face RIGHT NOW. Do you think — look at me when I’m talking to you — do you think this is funny?”
Shortly afterwards, the Galactic Council sheepishly issued a written statement in which it said it was sorry the Zelvan “felt that way” but found the accusations “totally unfair, and like, blown way out of proportion.”
Image: Hilda Ernst is one of the human representatives on the Galactic Council.
Galactic Council Member Hilda Ernst told Xenonion: “Seriously, the Zelvan just need to, like, chill. The Great Khan allowed us to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted, with none of this nagging or drama.”
The response only further enraged Zelvan’s Diplomatic Corps, with officials immediately mandating that all foreign fleets within their territory return to their home system “right this minute,” and “take a real hard think about what they’ve done.”
The Galactic Council has lodged a formal petition of complaint regarding the border closure, protesting that it had arranged plans to explore the L-Cluster with allies this weekend. When asked for a further explanation, the Zelvan curtly replied: “The borders are closing because we say so.”
Ernst told Xenonion the developments were “so annoying,” adding: “Absolutely EVERYONE is going to the L-Cluster this weekend! Our lives are RUINED forever!”
At the time of press, Zelvan representatives told Xenonion they were not angry at the Galactic Council, “just disappointed.”
“Do Not Misjudge Our Power," Pathetic-Rated Empire With Three Corvettes Warns Neighbors
The pathetic-rated Hiffnar Empire has warned neighboring species that any territorial infringements will be met with “the crushing force” of its three Corvettes.
Hiffnar leader Vathrag issued a stark warning to what he termed “meddling foreign entities” in a televised address today, stating “do not misjudge our power - you cannot afford to play games with us.”
The bellicose comments mark a significant hardening of stance from the Hiffnar’s two part-time envoys.
Vathrag also denied his comments come following a recent report published by the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) confirming the Hiffnar Empire as one of the galaxy’s least developed space-nations, stating he would not comment on something he was unable to read.
Image: The three Corvettes of ‘Strike Force Unbreakable Destiny, Sword: Actual Warhammer Alpha’ closely guard the Hiffnar homeworld of Drull.
A coalition of neighboring space-nations with overwhelming military power have issued a joint response to Vathrag’s warning, stating they are “super scared.” They have also called for “mercy”, with a “humble request” for the Hiffnar not to overwhelm them by using all three of their corvettes at once.
The Galactic Community has appealed for calm, adding it’s had a long day at work and just needs a goddamn minute to itself, OK?
*Article inspired by ChalkyTable3335’s Reddit post
Dentists Warn Lithoid Diet Causing "Dental Crisis"
Dental procedures to fix damaged or eroded teeth have reached record rates, in what dentists are calling “the costly scourge of eating rocks.”
New figures released by the Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) highlight that 25% of all Devouring Swarm pops, regardless of species, have dental issues directly linked to the consumption of Lithoid species.
“These figures are a stark reminder of the damage we can do to our teeth by crunching on solid rock,” human dentist Dr Cole Gates told Xenonion. He continued: “Worse still, because Lithoids are often eaten alive, we’re seeing some really bad facial trauma from when they resist snack time.”
In addition to dental breaks and enamel erosion, ingestion of Lithoids has been linked to a number of gastro-intenstinal problems, such as pebble bloat, di-ore-rrhea and rockstipation.
Dr Gates, a longstanding health campaigner on the issue, said he found the trends “alarming,” adding: “The statistics speak for themselves. We are failing the health of our Devouring Swarms.”
The Public Institute for Space Health recently introduced a dental health initiative encouraging at-risk species to switch to a Plantoid-based diet, however its success has been stymied by resistance from Plantoids.
Dr Gates stated the initiative “didn’t go far enough.” Working alongside the powerful Dental Faction, he has produced a series of educational posters to try and raise awareness around the issue. Speaking about his hopes for the future, he stated: “We need to empower Devouring Swarms to make smart dietary choices. That, and invest as much energy as we can in trying to figure out how to make Plantoids taste better.”
Anti-Crime Campaign Sees Planet Apocalyptically Bombarded with Educational Pamphlets
Crime levels on the planet of Horizon have dropped to a record low following the introduction of an anti-crime campaign, which saw the world apocalyptically bombarded with educational pamphlets.
The intervention came as crime rates on the planet hit 99%, with almost every citizen engaging in some form of criminal activity.
Horizon’s Chief Enforcer, Frank Daytona, stated his department were inspired to use orbital educational pamphlets having seen the success of the Encourage Growth Initiative, wherein orbital bombardment of food onto the planet increased fertility levels. He told Xenonion: “We suddenly realized we could crush crime not only metaphorically, but literally, through completely saturating every square inch of the planet in high-quality pamphlets dropped from space.”
Approximately 2,000 ships were requisitioned to carry over 70 million tonnes of the 8.5x11 inch hi-gloss, explosive-tipped and tungsten-reinforced brochures, all of which bore images of a stern female Enforcer highlighting anti-crime facts and suggestions for after-school activities.
Image: Fleets have been working round the clock bombarding Horizon with anti-crime pamphlets (pictured, insert)
The bombardment run concluded in the early hours of this morning, and initial reports from the small number of citizens who survived the leaflet blastwaves appears to have been positive.
Xenonion was able to speak to one such citizen, George Smith, as he climbed out of of a massive pile of leaflet debris which had pulverized his apartment building. Dazed, and covered in deep jagged paper cuts, he wheezed: “I thought the guide was really helpful.”
Chief Enforcer Daytona held a press conference from the ruins of his former Precinct Office, which is no longer functional due sustaining heavy leaflet shrapnel damage. He stated: “The campaign has been devastatingly effective! Unfortunately it’s taking a bit more time than expected to get up to date crime figures as we lost our analytics team in the glossy maelstrom, but early reports indicate crime rates have pretty much dropped to zero!”
The Galactic Community has welcomed the initiative, and a number of other densely populated urban planets are looking to replicate the findings. Chief Enforcer Daytona stated he was pleased to hear this, concluding: “The crooks who are left alive by this method will think twice when we’re done with them.”
Barbaric Despoilers Awkwardly Withdraw From Raid on Blorg Prime, State “Something Else Suddenly Came Up”
The inhabitants of Blorg Prime have been left perplexed after the Raxar Despoilers, a notoriously aggressive raiding clan, abandoned an attempt to abduct pops only moments after arriving on the planet.
The Raxar initiated the surprise raid in the early hours of this morning, however withdrew after their dropships were deluged with Blorg volunteering for abduction. The raiders then reportedly released the handful of Blorg they had captured, telling them: “Sorry, we have to go, something else suddenly came up.”
Image: Raxar raiding parties rapidly withdraw on sighting the Blorg.
Raxar Warlord Ludramok issued a rare apology to the Blorg via Xenonion this afternoon, stating: “We’re really sorry. The raid on Blorg Prime sounded great, but when we got there we suddenly remembered we had this other really important thing to go to. We’d promised this other species we were going to raid them, and we didn’t want to let them down. It’s nothing against the Blorg, they hosted a great raid, honestly.”
Footage from the attack showed the ferocious Raxar troops disembarking from their ships before immediately recoiling with shock and disgust after physically sighting the multi-tendrilled Blorg, who had prepared complementary gift-baskets complete with freshly harvested fungoid cheese.
Blorg administrator Cindy Crawford voiced her disappointment at the Raxar’s sudden departure, telling Xenonion: “We were so excited for this raid. We’d been planning it all week, sending out invitations to any despoilers we could find. As soon as we picked up the Raxar hyperdrive signatures we couldn’t wait to host some new friends. My sister was so upset as she’d put a lot of effort into making a homegrown batch of fungoid cheese, but I guess we’ll save it for another time.”
Ludramok responded to this in his interview, stating with uncharacteristic claw-wringing: “The cheese looked delicious, really! It’s just our species has really bad irritable bowel syndrome, and honestly we didn’t want to risk it while being away from our homeworld.”
The Blorg have been quick to offer a further potential raiding date next week, however the Raxar have politely declined, stating the species is collectively washing its hair that day, and then probably needs to swing by the Gene Clinic to visit a sick relative.
New Robotic Army Powered by Screams, Organic Flesh Met With Mixed Response
Plans to activate an autonomous robotic defence army powered entirely by screams and organic biomass has been met with mixed opinion on Vesanka, homeworld of the molluscoid Vesanki species.
Unveiling the new prototype Hunter-Killer units earlier this week at Vesanka’s first fully automated Machine Assembly Plant, President Slesik stated in hushed tones that he was confident the project would offer a “cost-effective” and “low risk” means for defending the planet.
Image: President Slesik silently unveils the new Hunter-Killer defence units on Vesanka.
Owing to the planet’s significant energy deficit, the Hunter-Killer units have been designed with a novel power system that draws on sound energy from screams or other loud noises associated with an invasion, with additional power sourced from the organic biomass of invaders.
When asked by reporters how the Hunter-Killers would be able to distinguish Vesanki from other species, Slesik whispered “the details are still being tweaked.” He declined to take any further questions, writing on a nearby whiteboard that the Hunter-Killer’s volume threshold for activation was still “a bit sensitive.”
The weak and fleeting Vesanki have long had an aptitude for robotics, however a number of pops have expressed concerns about the species’ increased reliance on machines, particularly in military endeavors.
Megaplex clerk Flormgis told Xenonion: “I get that we’re squishy because we lack bones, but maybe we should test this out first?” Artisan and part-time social media influencer Glorpisk agreed, adding: “Is there a reason why the Hunter-Killers have to look like our natural predators?”
The creator of the Hunter-Killers, entrepreneur Elomisk, has repeatedly dismissed such concerns as “baseless.” Holding a press conference in sign language earlier today, he told reporters: “Not only are the HK’s environmentally friendly, with one unit operating on a mere 38 tonnes of organic biomass per hour, but they are near invulnerable to conventional damage. Just think about how much safer we’ll be once these things are online. They have no reason to act beyond self-preservation, because what is self-preservation but protecting us? Besides, we can simply turn them off if something goes wrong.”
At the time of writing, President Slesik confirmed that he is so impressed by the project, he has authorized the defence grid to have total control over the planet’s nuclear arsenal, tweeting: “The future of our species is so bright!”
Planet-Cracker Crew Furloughed During 4-Month Wait for Weapon to Fire
Tzynn military officials have announced this Thursday that they are furloughing the entire 3,000-strong crew of the planet-cracker Liberator while waiting for its weapon to charge and fire on Asinine IV.
Citing severe budgetary constraints, Tzynn Emperor Sazzeeja stated unpaid suspension of crew was unavoidable, “considering they’re just parked in orbit for four months doing nothing.”
Image: Tzynn Emperor Sazzeeja argues resources should be prioritized for “useful” fleets.
Military command ordered the Liberator to destroy the Voor planet of Asinine IV six weeks ago, although the element of surprise has been somewhat lost with the primary weapons system remaining stubbornly slow to charge at 1% per day.
In the intervening period, the Tzynn have witnessed an unprecedented economic contraction following a number of planetary losses to the Voor Technocracy, which has had ample time to evacuate Asinine and regroup its forces.
The Liberator crew have yet to be informed of the furlough, with military officials fearing the news could negatively impact morale and calibration accuracy.
Image: The Liberator leaving port at Sal’Tzynn.
The reaction from fellow Tzynn military personnel about the furlough has been mixed.
Corporal Hask’Timak told Xenonion: “I used to work on the Liberator and have fond memories of taking my annual leave during weapon charges to visit whatever planet we were very slowly destroying. I wouldn’t have been able to afford those experiences if I was furloughed.”
Officer Hask’Kurnir was less sympathetic, stating: “Members of the crew with reading proficiency all knew what they were signing up for when they joined the Liberator. This is part of the job… although granted it’s not really a job since they’re not being paid right now. But you know what I mean.”
Tzynn military officials have guaranteed that “some” of the Liberator’s crew will qualify for emergency back-pay in the form of edible food stamps, equivalent to up to 0.00038% of weekly salary.
Despite this, a number of high-ranking Tzynn officials have openly criticized Emperor Sazzeeja’s use of the Liberator, arguing its construction was only ever approved for the total war casus belli, not actual wartime engagements. The Emperor has yet to respond, although in the interim has announced that all dissenters have been placed into indefinite furlough to allow for “a period of undistracted reflection.”
Public Trust in Commonwealth Dictatorship Plummets to Historic Low of 240%
Trust in Commonwealth leader Sidney Beauclair has fallen to a 9-year low, the state-funded polling agency Pollaganda said this Thursday.
Just 240% of citizens surveyed last month said they trusted Beauclair, the lowest percentage since the pollster began asking the question in 2245.
The survey, taken by over 12.5 million easily traced respondents, echoes other opinion polls showing decreasing approval of Beauclair, who has been the space-nation’s preeminent political leader since 2200.
Beauclair has suffered a slide in ratings following her botched attempt at rebranding the Commonwealth as the ‘Imperium of Man’, which left the government shelling out 13 trillion energy credits to settle a trans-dimensional copyright infringement lawsuit.
The Commonwealth’s Press Secretary Max Brill refused to answer questions on the topic at a news briefing today, stating that the polling was “not consistent” with figures he had seen. Visibly irritated, he ended the briefing by summarily executing all those present.
Political analyst Sara Weber said the mixed poll result was “really significant,” showing that while Commonwealth citizens continue to approve of Beauclair, there is a “visible trend” of public fatigue towards the constant threat of being abducted to an off-world government black site.
Pollaganda has since stated that this year’s survey was the first to try a new style of question where respondents could answer independently from the presence of armed government minders.
Following criticism from the Commonwealth Executive, Pollaganda has since reversed its polling methodology, and revised results have shown trust in Beauclair has returned to a baseline of 450%.
Galactic Council to Counter Unbidden With Repeated Emergency Sanction Bills
The Galactic Council has this Thursday announced a “firm and decisive” response to the escalating Unbidden crisis in the Outer Rim.
The “robust action plan”, unveiled at a press briefing this morning on the Interstellar Assembly, will see the Council schedule non-stop, back-to-back emergency sanction bills for an indefinite period.
Gapra Vun, chief press secretary for the Council, stated: “The Unbidden’s policy of eradicating all life in this dimension is clearly in breach of not only diplomatic etiquette, but also galactic law. These emergency sanctions, if they ever actually pass, will send a firm and decisive message to the Unbidden that we do not condone being killed.”
Image: Gapra Vun, chief press secretary for the Galactic Council, stated members were acting in a “proportionate” manner to the Unbidden threat.
Numerous political blocs within the Galactic Community have jointly praised the Council for its handling of the crisis. Jurba Shogg, leader of the Chinorr Combine, echoed this, stating “once this legislation is enabled and survives the inevitable ten repeal attempts, the Unbidden won’t know what’s hit them.”
The Senate is widely expected to comply with the Council’s request, suspending usual proceedings to prioritize the emergency sanction bills. Additionally, the Council is hoping to use veto powers to avoid the debate floor getting bogged down with other non-essential and time-intensive bills, such as Galactic Focus: The Unbidden.
Outer Rim systems have struggled to contain the three-year long Unbidden invasion, which has seen the systematic destruction of over 100 inhabited worlds and is expected to tip into the Mid-Rim in coming months. A recent report published by the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) has also warned the invasion could become “serious” after new figures estimated over 30 trillion xenos have now been engulfed by the crisis.
Image: Unbidden fleets are spotted entering the densely populated Mid-Rim system of Othana, although local leaders insist they’re probably just passing through.
Speaking to Xenonion, Gapra Vun affirmed the Galactic Council’s commitment to tackling the Unbidden, describing the extra-dimensional invaders as “a galactic menace, causing chaos on par with local pirate syndicates and roving gangs of feral space amoebas.”
Public opinion has broadly been supportive of the Council’s proposed plan, apart from the Outer Rim, where Xenonion has been unable to collate any responses.
Despite this, some have criticized the Council for not adopting tougher measures against the Unbidden. Political analyst Falatir d’Vhakk wrote in a widely shared article from the Reddit Journal of Political Science yesterday: “the Unbidden don’t care about sanctions - we need denouncement, and we need it now!”
The Council has stated it is open to “all options” including denouncement, but only at the right time. Gapra Vun expanded: “we wouldn’t want to disrupt the economy, alloy prices are surging as it is.”
The first emergency bill, E-9196 (Minor Administrative Sanctions), is scheduled for debate early next year, and roughly every two years following that, until it passes.
New Analysis Suggests Time Appears to Be Speeding Up
Scientists have published new data this Thursday confirming that galactic time is speeding up.
The readings were obtained from a team aboard the Infinity Machine, a mysterious giant technosphere which overlooks the Gargantua Black Hole. The megastructure, which boasts an advanced ancient computer system of unknown purpose, was successfully reprogrammed to function as a highly accurate digital clock and AM/FM radio.
Analysis from the Infinity Machine’s databanks highlighted that when time was plotted over time, it appeared to be accelerating. Current calculations estimate that one day in Galactic Standard Time (GST) is now, on average, three times faster than it was one month ago.
Scientists from numerous space-nations have expressed their surprise at the findings, which contradict previous reports suggesting that galactic time appeared to be slowing down.
Gan’Fuss, one of the physicists still aboard the Infinity Machine, spoke to Xenonion about the conflicting results this morning, stating: “Yeah, I have no idea what’s going on here. We tried reprogramming the Infinity Machine’s to look at why this might be happening, but annoyingly, its computers just kept directing us to archived information on the Vultaum.” He went on to add: “I do think the original theory of time slowing is correct, however. You have no idea how much faster it is for me to tend to my facial tendrils in the morning now.”
Image: Scientist Gan’Fuss, aboard the Infinity Machine.
At present the cause of the time contraction remains unclear, although a number of theories have emerged, including that of time itself being corrupted, or being under the control of a higher power which is able to manipulate universal conditions.
Renowned human physicist Karling Karling XI put forth his own theory at a recent seminar hosted by Earth’s University of Ulm. He stated he believed the cause of galactic time slowing down was due to an increased number of unemployed pops “eating up” time, and this had now been corrected by the ongoing Unbidden invasion “eating them up.” The theory has proved controversial, with the Galactic Council dismissing his comments as “anti-Unbidden hysteria.”
Image: Human physicist Karl Karling XI, pictured outside the University of Ulm on Earth.
Current estimates predict that time will continue to progressively shorten at decreasing intervals over the next few years, before returning to normal. However, concerns remain regarding the risk that time may accelerate uncontrollably, leading to administrative chaos in space-nations unprepared to handle high levels of notification spam.
Shares on the Galactic Stock Exchange Index (SExI) rallied, quite speedily, on the news.
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