Galactic Senate Enjoys Another Ten Year Recess
The Interstellar Assembly formally closed this Thursday, marking the commencement of another ten-year recess for the Galactic Senate.
This followed the conclusion of a highly contentious year-long debate on galactic commerce law, which narrowly failed after the bill’s sponsor repeatedly flipped between supporting and opposing the legislation, before abstaining in the final minutes of voting.
The Interstellar Assembly formally closed this Thursday, marking the commencement of another ten-year recess for the Galactic Senate.
This followed the conclusion of a highly contentious year-long debate on galactic commerce law, which narrowly failed after the bill’s sponsor repeatedly flipped between supporting and opposing the legislation, before abstaining in the final minutes of voting.
Senators did little to hide their relief at the prospect of a break, with many pictured waving and cheering as they made their way towards the Assembly departure lounge.
Senator Vrex of the Voor Technocracy, aged 134, was among them, quipping to press: “See you in a decade, if I’m still alive!”
Image: Senators Vrex (Voor Technocracy) and Khloe Kaplinsky (Blorg Commonality) celebrate the commencement of recess.
Many Senators have called for the ten-year breaks to be uninterruptible, highlighting frustration at the last recess being cut short by two weeks due to the Galactic Council designating the commerce bill as an emergency measure.
The Council has flatly denied claims the move was an abuse of power, stating its intention was clearly aimed at removing the “dangerous” Council abolition legislation which was set to be debated on the Senate floor.
Senator Khloe Kaplinsky of the Blorg Commonality explained to Xenonion: “This break is really important. We work exceptionally hard one out of every ten years, and this is the only time we get off. It’s upsetting that we can be recalled back to the Senate for Council ‘emergencies.’ Everyone knows nothing happens during recess season anyway.”
Kaplinsky is one of several thousand Senators who have signed a petition to both ban emergency legislation which can interrupt the recess, and introduce year-long weekends starting from 2264.
However, a number of space-nations have voiced their concerns over the Senate’s “inflexible” fixed recess terms.
Delegates representing Outer Rim systems have voiced their “disappointment” that they have to wait another 3600 days to allow them to initiate a year-long vote which could see the Galactic Community unite around a stern denouncement of the ongoing Unbidden invasion of the region.
The Galactic Council has declined to comment on the above, with press inquiries met with an automatic psi-fax response stating: “AFK, brb in 10.”
Analysts predict that the Council will likely downgrade the Outer Rim’s request for action against the Unbidden, instead favoring legislation that may extend recess time by up to twenty years.
Area Empire Regrets Blithely Skipping Over Terms & Conditions Before Joining Hegemonic Federation
Diplomats from the Free Tarassi State admitted this Thursday that, in retrospect, they should have actually read the Terms and Conditions associated with joining a hegemonic federation before blithely agreeing to it.
It was only after accepting the membership request from the authoritarian Terrex Imperium that the Tarassi formally reviewed the associated 500 million pages of legal text.
Government officials were reportedly horrified to learn that they had enrolled themselves into a permanent and legally binding contract with the Terrex, who have presided over the federation since its inception earlier this year.
Tarassi government spokesperson Jargim del Telnik told Xenonion: “At first, we were really pleased about the offer to join the Greater Terrex Prosperity Co-Sphere. I must admit, the request did strike us as somewhat odd coming from the Terrex, given their flair for unjustified wars, indiscriminate orbital bombardment and mass enslavement. However, we’re trustworthy by trait and federation builders by outlook, so it would have been rude to turn them down.”
Jargim went on to describe how it took almost three months and a complex rotation of five hundred interns working continuously to print the document.
Xenonion was able to secure a copy of the document and independently verify that it weighs equivalent to a small commuter Corvette, and also includes a number of sweeping rules, such as:
Section 11.5391.53a: “Members cannot leave the Federation without the Federation President’s express approval.”
Section 11.5391.53b: “If members still wish to leave the Federation, they are directed to challenge the Federation to a Trial by War. If this is successful, Federation exit can be approved.”
Section 17.1052.05: “Members must contribute a minimum 10% of Fleet Cap to the Federation President. This number is subject to change.”
Image: The Federation Membership Terms and Conditions received by the Terassi.
Multiple Tarassi requests to leave the Co-Sphere have all since been flatly rejected by lawyers for the Terrex Imperium, who have redirected the government to the above subsections of the Terms and Conditions.
Jargim added: “We initially thought we could wait things out and bide our time until leadership rotation, but of course this isn’t a standard federation. It turns out we can only assume the presidency if we defeat the current Terrex leader in a psionic duel… and we’re not a psionic species. Apparently that was in the T&S too.”
The Terrex have declined to comment on the above, stating they are otherwise preoccupied with developing technology that would allow the highly dense Terms and Conditions document to be weaponized for planetary bombardment.
*This article was paid for by Paradox Interactive.
Increasing Tectonic Instability “Definitely Nothing to Worry About,” Doomed Planet Officials State
Kandor officials sought to reassure citizens this Friday that the escalating series of earthquakes and volcanic eruptions tearing the planet’s crust asunder pose little threat to everyday life.
The recent uptick in tectonic activity has caused growing unease among surviving citizens remaining on parts of the planet not completely submerged by towering waves of displaced lava.
Developments have prompted some to warn the planet may be facing a doomsday event, something long feared by Kandori geologists owing to the planet’s inherently unstable mantle.
Speaking at a press conference from the only wing of the Planetary Administration to remain structurally viable, sector governor El-Jor stated: “Just like that persistent and omnipresent ticking noise that recently emanated from the planet’s core, this too will pass. What we’re seeing here is entirely normal planetary behaviour, and definitely nothing to worry about.”
He went on to caution citizens against panic, highlighting that resource stockpiling and mass evacuation would only add pressure to the already struggling melted remnants of the planet’s economy.
However, just hours after his remarks, El-Jor was roundly denounced by pockets of surviving geologists for ignoring what they describe as “probable signs” of impending doom.
Speaking to Xenonion, one such geologist, El-Roc, stated: “We had data forty five years ago that suggested tectonic instability would lead us where we are now. We repeatedly petitioned central government to build new colony ships and find us a new home. But all they did was label us ‘doomsdayers’ and opted instead fund the governor’s request to build six Precinct Houses back-to-back.”
Image: El-Jor delivered his press conference from Kandor’s Planetary Administration, located beside the newly formed Civic Lava Lakes.
Some government officials have also expressed concern that El-Jor may be under-estimating the scale of the problem. One local envoy, who wished to remain anonymous, warned that Kandori citizens could face “some interruption” to daily life from the planet being destroyed, including school closures and the cancellation of public events.
Despite this, public opinion metrics from areas of Kandor which have yet to experience catastrophic biome collapse remain broadly optimistic. Local pop Snep told Xenonion: “I’m just so glad that mysterious ticking noise has finally stopped. That could have been something really dangerous, like a giant pipe-bomb.”
A number of neighbouring planets have offered unconditional asylum to Kandori citizens, however the species’ strict egalitarian ethos forbids mass resettlement, even in emergency situations.
At the time of press, Xenonion has been unable to reach El-Jor for comment. Unverified reports indicate a small personal transport ship departed from the now completely submerged Planetary Administration building shortly after his press conference.
Despite the calls for calm, shares have fallen sharply on Kandor’s local Stock Exchange after the building was completely obliterated by the planet exploding into trillions of small molten fragments.
*This article was paid for by Paradox Interactive
Area Hivemind Just Wants Break From Itself
The Ix’Idar Star Collective has today announced it is seeking to take a break from itself.
The Hivemind, consisting of over 1.3 trillion pops, has reportedly felt overwhelmed following a spate of recent turbulent assimilations.
The Ix’Idar Star Collective has today announced it is seeking to take a break from itself.
The Hivemind, consisting of over 1.3 trillion pops, has reportedly felt overwhelmed following a spate of recent turbulent assimilations.
In a telepathic press briefing, the Hivemind chanted via intrusive auditory hallucinations: “Not you. Me. Tired. Break. Space. Time. Recovery.”
The announcement comes following an impressive run for the young-space nation, which over the last decade has become an increasingly dominant power in the region.
However, insider reports suggest that heavy administrative burden has taken its toll on the gestalt consciousness, with burnout and fatigue making a once harmonious overseer-drone relationship fraught and tense.
Further details indicate the Hivemind was struggling to reign in semi-autonomous drones, resulting in bickering and upset between itself at diplomatic functions.
Xenonion was able to speak to Ix’Idari representative Drone 1010843922-B, who screamed: “IT’S STILL ME YOU’RE SPEAKING TO! LEAVE ME ALONE!” The interview was cut short after the Drone then collapsed, mumbling “One… we are not” while drifting in and out of consciousness.
Image: Drone 1010843922-B, pictured moments before dramatically collapsing.
Political analysts are unclear as to what effect the break will have on the Hive as a whole.
Professor Karl Karling XVIII, a sociologist from Earth’s University of Ulm, told Xenonion: “We’re in pretty uncharted territory here. However, these sort of breaks can work out well if there is tension in the overseer-drone relationship. By stepping back and getting some perspective, it gives both parties a chance to come back to things with a fresh mind, or in the case of the Ix’Idari, several million fresh minds.”
However, others have warned the Ix’Idari may run into significant difficulties, such as Hive collapse or courtship from rival Hiveminds. Dr Ik’Thon’Bor, political scientist, told Xenonion: “I really hope the consciousness has set clear ground rules, otherwise this break is just a prelude to a break-up, or worse… an affair.”
Indeed, at the time of press the neighbouring Saiiban Hivemind confirmed its interest in “getting to know” the Ix’Idari, stating it had “slid into telepathic DMs” with a bold proposition - “We are Two?”
The Ix’Idar Hivemind has yet to respond.
The Galaxy's Most Anticipated Movies
This year is set to be a bumper one for amazing movies!
Whether you’re a fan of a gripping thriller, laugh out loud rom-com or heartwarming adventure (looking at you Free Bubbles) this year has an outstanding line-up with something for everyone.
To help you navigate what’s ahead, our psionic researchers have selected a number of titles they’re sure you’ll love. Better get those calendars at the ready!
THE VULTAUMATRIX
Thriller, Sci-Fi [Mature]
A clerk on Vultaum makes a shocking discovery about the very fabric of his species’ existence. It’s a truth that could come at a heavy price for civilization itself.
Releases March 31.
THE KHANFATHER
Crime [Mature]
A young vassal works its way up the Khanate leadership structure, reluctantly becoming embroiled in an ever-escalating cycle of violence, betrayal and unintelligible shrieking.
Releases April 1.
CaTS
Musical. [All]
In this movie adaptation of the legendary stage production, a group of felines get high on Zro and decide who among themselves must be sacrificed to appease the Shroud.
Releases April 20.
I, Synth
Sci-Fi, Thriller [Teen]
Blorg enforcer Apollon Hermansson must put his spiritualism aside and cooperate with a state-of-the-art synthetic to foil a plot that may threaten all of Blorgkind.
Releases May 13.
Free Bubbles
Family Adventure [All]
A human kid strikes up a friendship with a Space Amoeba, and goes to great lengths to protect it from UNE Space Command before they can turn it into a super-weapon.
Releases June 1.
DEEP PROBE URANUS
Horror [Mature]
After a number of probes go missing on Uranus, UNE Space Command sends in a crack team to investigate what’s going on down there. Originally slated for a 2253 release, this terrifying horror was pushed back to 2254 to allow for some final polishes.
Releases September 1.
Watch the trailer here:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Hard-Drive
Romantic [Mature]
A robotic couple journey to back-up love.exe after their memories are accidentally erased from a system error.
Releases September 5.
THE FAULT IN OUR STELLARIS
Romantic [Teen]
Based on the best-selling Reddit post of the same name, two teenagers find each other in their battle against crippling end-game lag with their favourite computer game.
Releases October 11.
Brain Slug Spotted Wearing Stunning New Species
The Brain Slug has caused a stir after she was pictured at a gala event last night sporting a stunning new dress.
The eons-old neural symbiont and social media influencer wore a beautiful custom-made female humanoid ensemble for the function.
The Brain Slug has caused a stir after she was pictured at a gala event last night sporting a stunning new dress.
The eons-old neural symbiont and social media influencer wore a beautiful custom-made female humanoid ensemble for the function.
The breathtaking dress was made entirely from organic humanoid, featuring eye-catching symmetrical limbs and a form-fitting epidermis.
The Brain Slug reportedly designed the dress herself, specifically tailoring it for enhanced docility.
Fans were quick to comment on the gown, after the Brain Slug uploaded a number of snaps to Instagram.
One said: “Wow! Gorgeous! Love a girly dress.” Another gushed: “So beautiful. I wish I could get my forehead veins engorged just like that.”
With its pleasing aesthetic, beautiful flesh tones, and intermittent screams for help, the gown is likely to become this season’s most coveted fashion item.
LATEST NEWS
Area Pops Suddenly Develop Political Opinions
Recent reports suggest that pops from the Cul’thar Republic have suddenly developed diverse opinions on political matters.
Cul’thari pops had previously been broadly apolitical, however on the tenth anniversary of the young space-nation discovering FTL travel, vast swathes of society rapidly divided into bitterly opposed factions.
A leader of one the newly formed xenophilic factions, Veldanura, explained to Xenonion: “When I went to sleep last night all I was thinking about was breakfast, but when I woke up my mind was racing with thoughts about pan-galactic trade and the ethical implications of space militarism.”
At the time of writing, seven Cul’thari factions have emerged, each pushing for individual agendas such as expanding foreign diplomatic relations, or enslaving anything that moves.
Image: A number of political factions have emerged in Cul’thari society.
According to insider reports, the Cul’thari government were caught completely off guard after discovering almost 1.3 trillion pops had suddenly developed opinions, having previously enjoyed absolute political unity in a single-minded Senate.
Livestreams from inside the legislature showed dramatic pictures of Senators initially placidly agreeing with each other on a new xeno refugee policy, before half the body erupted into a blind rage, with both some government and opposition members calling for the immediate purging of anyone who disagreed with them.
Urging an end to political strife, Cul’thari president Kashnaka made a public address earlier today, stating: “So, does anyone know what just happened? My last election was a unanimous victory but now I have something called an ‘approval rating’, and it’s dropped below 20%. I don’t know what that means, but I don’t like it and want it higher. Perhaps it’s something to do with all the policies that we introduced over the last ten years that everyone now seems to have issue with. However, even I admit I’m starting to disagree with policies I personally implemented.”
Health experts have highlighted concerns about the longer term effects of opinions on Cul’thari pops. The Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) has confirmed it is investigating whether opinions could be classified as infectious, and whether if left untreated, may cause serious harm.
Similarly, political analysts expect opinions will have a highly fraught impact on the Republic’s upcoming election, which for the first time ever is likely to feature more than one candidate for pops to vote for.
Tomb World Resort Voted Top Holiday Destination
The tomb world of Desolas has been voted as the galaxy’s best destination for 2254 by TripInformant.
The travel guide aggregated responses from thousands of xenos who ranked holiday destinations based on accommodation, quality of food and drink, ease of travel and overall survivability.
Desolas was lauded for its “outstandingly beautiful” irradiated wastelands, “breath-taking” atmospheric toxins and “wonderfully diverse” ecosystem of grossly mutated and deeply disturbed flora and fauna.
The planet was designated a resort world two months ago after falling under the jurisdiction of the Kilik Cooperative, and a mere ten years since the planet’s now extinct original inhabitants destroyed themselves in a nuclear war.
The ravaged planet has since become an unstoppable tourism magnet, irradiating or maiming almost 2.3 million visitors last month alone.
TripInformant’s official guide describes: “Complete societal collapse and critical biosphere degradation may have dominated headlines in recent years, but one constant Desolas has seen since the burndown has been its timeless appeal to tourists: whether it’s staying in the crumbling remnants of a luxury hotel turned mass grave, to sampling the delicacies of the quaint and quirky cannibal farms of the badlands, there’s really something for everyone with a fully-functioning immune system here.”
Desolas beat out stiff competition from a number of other well established tourist hot-spots, including last year’s top destination, Saiiban Prime of the Saiiban Hive Mind. Other famous destinations failed to perform as expected, with the Tebrid Homolog’s Processing Hub 1 falling out of the rankings due to a limited response from any organics who visit there.
Image: Trip Informant’s Top 5 Holiday Destinations for 2254
Surviving visitors have been extremely positive about their experiences on Desolas.
Erik Blort, a Blorg from St. Knatchbull, told Xenonion: “It was so nice to see the rustic authenticity of brutally twisted and warped urban ruins, mixed in with the modern convenience of a two day supply of food rations and water purification tablets. We also spent some time by the shore - my wife and I spent many enjoyable hours tending to our burns from toxic kelp reef snorkeling.”
Becky Gellert, a human from Earth, added: “Oh my goodness, what a holiday! My absolute highlight was getting to pet those giant irradiated cockroaches. They were so cute, I’m just sad I ran out of fingers to boop their adorable little snoots.”
The shortlist for TripInformant’s Top 10 Penal Colony Winter Holiday Destinations is expected later this month.
Unemployment Rate Drops to Record Low Following Use of Planet Cracker
Unemployment on planet of Ilast Mog has dropped to a record low after the Voor Technocracy completely annihilated the world with a planet cracker.
Initial reports suggest that the initiative has been successful, with the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) reporting that Ilast’s jobless rate has fallen by 17.8 billion to 0%, the lowest level since records began.
Unemployment on planet of Ilast Mog has dropped to a record low after the Voor Technocracy completely annihilated the world with a planet cracker.
Initial reports suggest that the initiative has been successful, with the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) reporting that Ilast’s jobless rate has fallen by 17.8 billion to 0%, the lowest level since records began.
The surprising news came despite the planetary economy actually contracting over the same time period, adding zero jobs this quarter.
Unemployment on the galaxy’s 8th largest planet had been chronically high following its recent forcible takeover by the Voor, which fueled instability and high levels of crime. However, these metrics have similarly fallen to dramatically low levels following the intervention yesterday.
Perak Wek, a leading economist from the pan-galactic journal Boomberg Magazine told Xenonion: “It was clear the labor market needed a fire lit under it, and the Voor have done just that in the form of a highly concentrated fission death ray.”
However, analysts have cautioned that the unemployment figures may be overblown, quite literally. Professor Vicky Toria, an economist at Earth’s prestigious University of Ulm, warned that the data likely masked more serious underlying problems such as the fact Ilast no longer exists.
Similarly, investors report some concerns about returns from the charred remnants of planet floating in space. Japrak Tor, a spokes-xeno for the Orbis Synergies megacorporation, told Xenonion: “We’re waiting to see what the effects of this novel economic stimulus might be… first we need to hear back first from the market research team we sent there last week.”
Image: Despite the positive news, there are concerns about how productive future output may be from the former husk of Ilast Mog, pictured.
Voor leadership have been quick to credit the improvement in unemployment rates to “innovative economic policies.” Sector governor Gapra Va told Xenonion: “We’re seeing more pops than ever benefiting from being instantaneously vaporized.”
Despite the dramatic drop in unemployment, the Voor Central Bank has not shifted interest rates, hinting that other planets may be in line to receive a similar intervention. Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) remain bullish.
UNE President Calls Commonwealth Leader 'Two-Faced Xeno Scum' at Summit
United Nations of Earth (UNE) President Jeffrey Rossario has called Sidney Beauclair "two-faced xeno scum" after a video emerged showing the Commonwealth of Man (CoM) leader appearing to mock him.
The pair had been attending the annual Space Treaty Organization (SPATO) summit, hosted on Earth’s capitol of Ulm.
Footage emerged showing Ms Beauclair in conversation with a number of other human dignitaries, including UNE sector governor Emilio Hermes, all of whom were seemingly unaware they were being recorded.
On discussing Mr Rossario’s late arrival to the summit, Ms Beauclair stated: “He was late because of another 40 minute press conference talking about building a Colossus and making xenos pay for it.”
Mr Hermes then told an anecdote about life without interstellar food transport, before returning to discussing Mr Rossario’s current SPATO proposals. An amused Ms Beauclair replied: “Oh yes. He talked about the Space Wall again. Did you see his Chief Engineer’s jaw drop to the floor?”
Image: Footage from the event was captured by a local news team on Earth, UNENNBBCCBC.
Mr Rossario, in response, cancelled a further thirty-five press conferences he had scheduled for later in the day, telling reporters: “I’d like to talk some more about the same thing I’ve been talking about for the last two years, but some of us seem to think I’ve done enough talking.”
He then launched into a diplomatic attack on Ms Beaclair, stating: “You know what? She’s two-faced xeno scum. I know, technically, we’re the same species. Technically. She’s attractive, I’ll even give her that. But the truth is, she’s behaving like a xeno. Not a human. A xeno. Humans love me. All of them. Humans don’t do this. She’s annoyed because my plans for the Colossus and Space Wall are going so well, and that perhaps, as a xeno, she’ll have to pay for it.”
Mr Rossario then went on to chastise the Commonwealth of Man’s contribution to the SPATO budget, which remains below the required 2% of annual GDP. He added: “Sidney is clearly just not happy that I’ve been calling her out on that. She’s not paying the 2% and she should be paying the 2%. I mean, I know they’re poor. Particularly after having to pay off all the copyright issues with that terrible rebrand. But they have some money. So she should be paying more than she’s paying.”
SPATO, a defence initiative aimed at promoting cooperation among disparate human space-nations, was established in 2251 following the loss of the human planet of Centaurus Prime to the Stellar Starfish Empire. It is comprised of the United Nations of Earth, Commonwealth of Man and several smaller one-planet minor jurisdictions including the Habsburg Autonomous Region and the TacoBell Neutral Zone.
It has had a turbulent history, in part owing to frosty longstanding UNE-Commonwealth diplomatic relations, and increasingly divergent member state ethos, leading to opposition to Mr Rossario’s proposal to build a SPATO-funded Colossus and Space Wall.
At the time of press, Mr Rossario has threatened to remove the United Nations of Earth from SPATO, stating: “We’ll make our own SPATO, with cooler species, like those Starfish. They would certainly be up for building another a Colossus.”
Meanwhile, Mr Rossario’s domestic agenda remains highly turbulent, as the UNE Congress continues its investigation into claims of corruption charges against him.
Population Pie Chart Running Dangerously Low on Colours
Statisticians from the Scyldari Confederacy have warned that the single pie chart they have been using for decades to track the space-nation’s population is becoming “unusable” owing to a critical shortage of colours to fill it with.
The xenophilic empire has seen a marked population boom over the last three years, owing to both its pro-immigration policy and the adoption of XenoCompatibility late last year.
Statisticians from the Scyldari Confederacy have warned that the single pie chart they have been using for decades to track the space-nation’s population is becoming “unusable” owing to a critical shortage of colours to fill it with.
The xenophilic empire has seen a marked population boom over the last three years, owing to both its pro-immigration policy and the adoption of XenoCompatibility late last year.
At present the Confederacy’s total population now stands at 13.3 trillion, with twenty-four non-founder species and nearly double the number of half-species.
The Scyldari Office for Statistics has long been warning about the effects of using one pie chart to represent so much data.
“This situation is spiraling out of control, albeit in a 2D plane,” spokes-xeno Lorg’Vorg told Xenonion earlier today. “What was once a simple, clean and uniform method of data visualization has now become incomprehensible, with new coloured pie chart slices being added every three minutes.”
He went on to warn that experts had predicted the space-nation was approaching a point where it could simply run out of new colours to add to the pie chart.
Lorg’Vorg warned the effects of a colour shortage could be “catastrophic”, with the possibility of new data on the pie chart being represented as an aesthetically unpleasing solid black fill.
The pie chart remains one of mathematics most advanced tools, and is used universally across the galaxy by all species. Scyldari officials were quick to praise the tool’s utility, instead blaming the Galactic Community for only sanctioning the use of 25 colours that meet its stringent eye safety standards.
At the time of writing, Scyldari statisticians have announced that they are attempting to devise new methods of data visualization that, if possible, may involve lines, bars or a combination of the two.
UNExit: UK Request To Delay Leaving Earth For 472nd Time Approved
The United Nations of Earth (UNE) has approved the United Kingdom’s traditional biannual request to extend Article 50, setting February 2254 as the new deadline for what remains of the member state to leave the planet’s governing body.
The UK’s bid to leave the UNE, also known as UNExit, was originally scheduled to take place in 2019, three years after a highly contentious public referendum on the country’s continued membership within the political and economic union.
The process to negotiate a withdrawal agreement, now in its 236th year, has been plagued by repeated setbacks and delays. A deal was almost formalised in 2034, but collapsed after the country elected to nuke itself following overwhelming support for the option in a 38th ‘People’s Vote’ referendum.
The tattered remnants of the United Kingdom have remained deeply split between highly irradiated ‘Leave’ and ‘Remain’ voters, who have been unable to come to any form of consensus on how to achieve UNExit, other than agreeing to classify any remaining survivors north of the Midlands as sub-human.
The delay was requested last week by Prime Minister and Grand Supreme Wasteland Overlord Joris Bonson, which contradicts his earlier pledge to exit the planet by the end of October 2253 regardless of whether a withdrawal agreement was in place.
Bonson was spotted outside the melted ruins of the former Houses of Parliament in London this morning, but refused to speak to reporters, instead opting to club the bedraggled remains of a UNE flag with an excessively large stick.
The decision to grant the extension was taken by ambassadors representing the remaining functional UNE member states earlier this week in Earth’s capitol of Ulm. Speaking about the extension, UNE president Jeffrey Rossario stated: “Yep, sure, whatever.”
The delay means that the habitable areas of the UK will no longer crash out of the UNE without a deal, avoiding jeopardising the wasteland’s fragile economy, which is highly dependent on exporting scraps of meat and giant irradiated cockroach shells to the UNE.
Under the terms of the extension, the UK could still leave the UNE before February 2254 if the three surviving Members of Parliament (MPs) can approve a withdrawal agreement. Political pundits feel this is unlikely however, as to enact such legislation each MP would have to survive a trial by combat outside the newly constructed government hovel.
The delay also allows time for the country to hold a general election, in which non-mutants could be asked to vote for leadership candidates of their choice by undertaking blood rituals at the ruins of former polling stations.
So far, public opinion remains mixed on a UNExit delay, or indeed the prospect of an election. One undecided voter, Plerg, told reporters:
“I really don’t know what to think. What are we trying to leave again? All I can say is I love UNExit extension request day. It’s my favourite holiday, even after Crisismas or Easter 2: The Reckoning.”
With a potential election looming, a further UNExit delay raises difficult questions for the Bonson government, which has spent £3.50 (roughly 40% of the country’s GDP) on procuring fresh supplies of cat meat in anticipation of leaving the UNE without a withdrawal agreement.
Byzantine Bureaucracy Civic Change Stalls as Application Forms Filed in Wrong Order
The Ethir Irenic Bureaucracy has confirmed that a planned civic change from Byzantine Bureaucracy to Idealistic Foundation has faltered after the 5.4 million individual application forms required for the process were submitted alphabetically rather than chronologically.
The Ethir Irenic Bureaucracy has confirmed that a planned civic change from Byzantine Bureaucracy to Idealistic Foundation has faltered after the 5.4 million individual application forms required for the process were submitted alphabetically rather than chronologically.
Formally rejecting its own application, the Ethir’s Bureau of Bureaucracy highlighted that it had failed to follow the guidance previously published in its Civic Change Application Form (RI-139619B) which states as per subsection 131.531.5A: ‘all subsequent applications to this initial application must be filed in chronological order, with uniform binders in pre-approved coloring.’
“The Bureau of Bureaucracy’s Sub-Bureau for Public Liaison has just this morning published a 30,000 page press release on the subject, which I would direct you to peruse at your leisure,” Administrator Ib-Na told Xenonion earlier today.
Adopting a more reassuring tone, he continued: “We have convened an Exploratory Committee to look into the possibility of identifying how this filing error occurred. If there is consensus among each of the sub-committees, we may move to publish an Impact Assessment on the viability of re-attempting the civic change in due course.”
The Ethir have been planning a move away from Byzantine Bureaucracy for a number of months following an acute shortage of black ink, which saw the collapse of the Bureau of Photocopying, the space-nation’s third largest employer.
At the time of writing, the Bureau of Bureaucracy has advised itself to complete an IR-193591B form of complaint, alongside an IB-193692R application for re-application of civic change. It has also granted itself emergency powers to mandate that all new application forms are triple stamped by independent administrators.
*Credit for article idea: Xenonion Field Reporter Hark M.
Fleet Trapped Following Space Border Closure
The Kel-Azaan Republic has closed its borders to the Kobarian Star Pact, causing significant travel disruption and leaving the Kobarian’s primary fleet stranded in an unclaimed enclave system.
The move has caused travel chaos across the cluster, with all civilian trade ceasing. Several Kobarian science ships which were also in Kel-Azaan space when the blockade came into effect have also gone missing and it’s unclear if and when they will return to friendly territory.
Image: The Kobarian’s fleet is trapped in the unclaimed Aruz system, an enclave within Kel-Azaan territory.
Diplomatic relations between the two formerly friendly neighbors soured after the Kobarian Star Pact entered into a trade agreement with the Chinorr Combine, long standing rivals of the Kel-Azaan.
Defending the border closure, Kel-Azaan leader Strategos Krexax told the Republic’s Senate earlier this morning that Kobarian cooperation with the Chinorr was unacceptable, stating the border closure would “teach them a lesson.”
Image: Kel-Azaan leader Krexax.
The Kobarian Fleet, named Suthnar’s Armada, is a 12.3k battle group which comprises 100% of the Star Pact’s military capabilities. The fleet, although relatively advanced, is only fitted with Hyperdrive III engines and cannot use any other means of FTL travel.
“This is the first time this has happened to me as an admiral,” Suthnar Commander Ereth told Xenonion earlier today. “We’re well and truly stuck here. You’d think with this being space we could just fly in any direction we want, closed borders or not. But we can’t. It’s like the Kel-Azaan have put up an impenetrable invisible wall or something. I’m assuming it must be some advanced technology.”
Image: Suthnar Admiral Ereth.
Sources inside the Kobarian government have indicated that security services believe the timing of the border closure was a deliberate ploy to stymie the Star Pact’s military capabilites, effectively rendering core worlds defenceless, particularly to an attack by the Kel-Azaan.
Strategos Krexax condemned the accusations, stating that the Kel-Azaan fleet build-up along border systems was simply to ensure there were no “illegal border crossings.” He added, “it would be too bad if the Kobarians had to declare war on us to open the border… because they know our military power is superior to theirs…”
At present both space-nations have resorted to firing a volley of insults back and forth to each other via diplomatic channels.
Federation Member Proposes War It Definitely Wont Participate In
The Just Alliance federation is considering a declaration of war request from the Uri Nation, a member state which has absolutely no plans to assist in the war effort.
Presenting its proposal to its four fellow federation members, the Bwauki Multisystem, Glukkonian Guild, Eredi Assembly and presiding Lorex League, the Uri Nation appealed for military intervention against its larger neighbour, the Cevanti Empire.
Image: Members of the Just Alliance meet at the 12,391st Tri-Weekly Summit on Loraxia Prime. From L-R; President Scree of the Bwauki Empire, Executive S’Lig of the Glukkonian Guild, President Ur’Ine of the Uri Nation, Matriarch Lyssa of the Lorax League, and Chancellor Fillur of the Eredi Assembly.
Uri diplomats highlighted the urgent need for intervention against the Cevanti’s ill treatment of slave pops, while also adding that the transfer of several resource-rich border systems to Uri control would be “an extra bonus.”
“This war is vitally important for furthering the interests of the Uri Nation and… er, of course, the whole Just Alliance.” Uri leader Ur’Ine told Xenonion. “Those poor slave pops, toiling away on all that precious Betharian stone. They must be rescued. Of course, if there’s room for the slave pops they should be taken too.”
Image: President Ur’Ine of the Uri Nation, dressed in traditional Uri gold.
Despite having the second largest fleet power in the Just Alliance, behind the Lorax League, the Uri Nation has categorically ruled out participating in any conflict.
Ur’Ine reportedly told fellow leaders that the Lorax fleets would be much more efficient in battle as Uri fleets were only specialized for “just sitting parked above space ports, looking pretty.”
The Lorax League has approached the request warily, and insider reports suggest there may not be appetite among leadership to get embroiled in a costly war.
Such public disputes between two allies is unusual, and perhaps a sign of increasing strain within the federation. The Just Alliance is only just recovering from months of turmoil after the Thelmar Union was kicked from the group last year after blocking another war request 363 times for no apparent reason. This followed on from the rocky initiation of the Bwauki into the federation, who still consistently refuse to wear clothes at meetings.
Early reports indicate the Uri proposal is likely to pass and in preparation, Lorax admirals have begun frantically clicking ‘encourage allied fleets to follow’ call signs in a vague hope this will stir the Uri into action.
Spies Demand Equal Employment Opportunities, Creation of Espionage
Spies from across the galaxy have unionized and are demanding both employment opportunities and the creation of espionage more generally.
The new union for secret agents, name and location unknown, issued the demand via encrypted fax to the Galactic UN earlier this morning.
It followed a report from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) which highlighted that record numbers of scientists, rather than spies, are being used for covert infiltration operations on primitive worlds.
“It’s just outrageous, every other career gets representation across the galaxy, from farmers right down to livestock, yet our government doesn’t have the time to invest in espionage,” said Philip Marlowe, a United Nations of Earth (UNE) spy who wished to remain anonymous.
The unnamed union highlighted a number of advantages for employing spies, including:
Re-appropriation of rivals’ intellectual property and energy credits
Disablement of enemy military fleets, installations and civilian infrastructure
Sowing civil unrest, or enforcing stability with unorthodox crime prevention techniques
Hosting large gala events in subterranean lairs, usually below volcano tile blockers
Increased success rates in wooing Blorg femme fatales
The spies are demanding the creation of a specialist ‘Spy’ job, an associated planetary building that would ideally include a nice office clouded with cigar smoke on that tile overlooking the East River, universal access to top-secret gadgets, badass hover car chases and comprehensive dental cover.
Marlowe added; “I’ve gone through years of training, espionage, counter-espionage, counter-counter-espionage and a masters degree in cutting eye-holes out of newspapers. It would be a shame to put that to waste.”
The union stated that if its demands were not met within seven days, all spies would covertly go on strike, warning it would cause “unnoticed chaos” in their non-existent jobs.
The Galactic UN confirmed it is considering their request, and as long as no-one on the Interstellar Assembly ‘accidentally’ ends up falling into the secret nest of Rattlings built as a trap below Conference Room 3, they may consider inventing espionage.
*Article thumbnail and image adapted from original image by Joost Assink under Creative Commons License [https://www.flickr.com/photos/joostassink/2646931062/in/photostream/]
Area Colony Accidentally Rolls Back to 1.2 Era
The Voor Technocracy colony of Tempus has accidentally traveled back in time three years, planetary administrators confirmed this morning via embassy press release.
Researchers on the planet had been investigating the precursor Zroni species, hoping to unlock their psionic abilities to help predict the galactic stock market. However, experimentation appears to have accidentally opened a temporal rift in the fabric of space, shifting the entire cluster back to the 1.2 era.
Within a single tick Tempus was thrown into chaos as a roll-back wave swallowed up districts, artisans, consumer goods and alloys, leaving behind nothing but a wasteland of 16 undeveloped tiles.
Early reports indicate the situation planet-side is dire. Millions of Voor have been left homeless as the planet can now only support pops based on the number of tiles available. Food shortages have reached critical levels as supplies can no longer be imported from neighbouring planets, and access to the galactic market is met with error messages. Enforcers, now unemployed as their jobs no longer exist, warn the planet is teetering on the brink of complete societal collapse.
Speaking from the mysterious new Tempus embassy, which appeared when the rest of the planet was destroyed, sector governor Vi’Kask broadcast a desperate message to the galaxy:
“[static]… Is this thing working? Hello? If anyone can hear me, please, send help to Tempus immediately. We’re out of sync with the galaxy and the situation is deteriorating rapidly… [unintelligible]
Since Vi’Kask’s broadcast earlier this morning, communication with the planet has been cut off completely. Sensor data from Sentry Array uplinks no longer register the systems affected, and the neighboring Hive Mind which had shared communications with the colony has vanished. Its last reports indicated the planet’s scientists appeared to be asking for more information about ancient artifacts called ‘Frontier Outposts.’
The wider implications of the Tempus event are as yet unknown, however scientists from the Galactic UN have warned they are detecting a “disturbing” number of Out of Sync (OOS) messages emanating from the region.
“This is really concerning. My worry is that these constant OOS messages destabilize the region further,” said Dr Soliliti of the Galactic Community’s Science Nexus. He continued: “We may be looking at more time rifts opening up, with neighboring systems and planets also potentially being pulled back to 1.2, perhaps even further… into the black ether of nothingness.”
Image: Dr Soliliti of the Galactic Community’s Science Nexus.
The Voor Technocracy Central Executive states that all attempts to raise communications or send aid have had to be abandoned due to desynchronization issues. At the time of writing the Galactic UN dispatched a Colossus to Tempus in an attempt to shield and quarantine the world, but the ship disappeared mid jump-drive towards the system.
Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) have slumped on the news.
Notification Spam Prompts Area Pacifists to Consider Becoming Fanatical Purifiers
Scyldari leadership is tonight considering completely ditching the space nation’s longstanding ethos of pacifism and xenophilia in favor of becoming fanatical purifiers, after having received a record-breaking 3.7 trillion inane diplomatic notifications in the last 24 hours.
The outward-looking Scyldari have historically had high levels of contact with other species from across the galaxy, and as such they have often fielded a substantial number of diplomatic notifications.
However, recent reports from the Scyldari Foreign Office indicate both diplomats and computer systems alike are struggling to cope with an increasing flurry of notifications as hundreds of space-nations simultaneously expand and interact with each other.
Image: Scyldari Foreign Office computers are struggling to cope with high levels of inane diplomatic notifications.
“At first these notifications were important, like, FYI the hegemonic imperialists next door have declared war on you,” Scyldari diplomat Cali J’Bassim told Xenonion. “But now we’re getting hundreds of notifications every minute, about stuff that’s not even relevant to us. Half the time I can’t even work out if we’re at war or not.”
Image: Cali J’Bassim, Scyldari Diplomat.
The Scyldari Foreign office highlights that over the last three months it has been fielding an average of 1.2 trillion diplomatic notifications per day.
Common messages include:
Borders opened
That species you interacted once with has entered a research agreement with that other species that look a bit funny
Borders closed
Two space nations have formed a laughably small federation
Borders opened again, but then quickly closed
The laughably small federation has given some irrelevant species association status
With no option to filter or mute messages, the Scyldari Foreign Office has had to employ 233 million Scyldari pops to manually sift through notifications until an automated system can be implemented.
The Scyldari Prosperity Faction estimates that the cost of employing the entire population of Scyldaria as interns and terraforming the planet into a Foreign Office ecumenopolis will cripple the space nation’s budget by 2260. As such, leaders are now seriously considering switching to xenophobic and militaristic ethos in a bid to quell the diplomatic spam.
Scyldari president Dackam addressed the issue in a press conference earlier today, stating: “We cannot stem the tide of these notifications. As such, we must address the root of the problem. We must destroy their very source… the other xenos.”
Image: Scyldari president Dackam.
His speech was met with universal approval across Scyldari society, and indeed from most other space nations who are grappling with similar problems.
However, the proposed switch from polar opposite ethos would be unprecedented in modern space history. In his closing remarks at the press conference, Dackam acknowledged this, stating; “I guess first we just need to figure out how to actually switch ethos. Anyone?”
Shares in Colossus-grade weapons on the Space Exchange Index (SEXI) rose dramatically on the news.
Fleet Needs Upgrading Again
The Tzynn Empire’s attempts to engage rampaging pirates was once again thwarted today after its entire military fleet was grounded for further upgrades.
The thirty corvettes and ten destroyers were commissioned less than a year ago, but engineers have struggled to keep pace with rapid technological change, upgrading ship armor, shields, engines and attack systems on almost a daily basis.
The Tzynn Empire’s attempts to engage rampaging pirates was once again thwarted today after its entire military fleet was grounded for further upgrades.
The thirty corvettes and ten destroyers were commissioned less than a year ago, but engineers have struggled to keep pace with rapid technological change, upgrading ship armor, shields, engines and attack systems on almost a daily basis.
Today’s upgrade will see the ships fitted with the recently researched Plasteel Armor. At a cost of 325 alloys it boasts mild benefits compared to the Ceramo-Metal Armor that was installed just last week after an extensive nine-month retrofitting.
Militarist factions have criticized Tzynn Fleet Command for authorizing the upgrade, highlighting that the absence of regular fleet patrols appear to be emboldening pirate attacks on peripheral systems.
“This whole situation is outrageous,” retired Tzynn Admiral Raxeg told Xenonion. “The continual upgrades mean our primary fleet has never undocked from its home base, which is infuriating as, unlike other empires, we can actually afford to do that.”
Image: A Tzynn government spokes-xeno declined to comment on the issue.
A spokes-xeno for the Tzynn government, declined to comment, although did add “you have no idea how annoying it is to not clear that little upgrade icon that keeps popping up.”
The Tzynn government has pointed out it remains confident in its military’s capabilities, highlighting it has only lost 36 systems to pirates.
Engineers estimate the fleet will be completely upgraded at some point within the next three hundred years.
Inward Perfectionists Inwardly Perfect, Bored
Renewing their Peace Festivals edict commemorating 75 years of stability, Tokaa Commonwealth leadership have reportedly begun to wonder if there’s anything more to ruling a space-nation.
The isolated xenophobic republic’s constitution forbids engaging in diplomacy with alien empires, cutting it off form the labyrinthine negotiations and cutthroat politics of the galactic stage.
Image: Tokaa Prime, an agrarian idyll world
Similarly, getting approval for an offensive war is largely impossible because it requires a major change in Tokaa policy that would upset the nation’s various factions and risk lowering pop approval below 100%.
As a result, the government’s main role is to deal with internal matters, such as maintaining the economy and infrastructure. However, that requires relatively little effort, leaving leaders with nothing to do most of the time.
“The most exciting thing I got to do this term was sign off on a round of infrastructure upgrades after waiting several months to get enough minerals,” First Speaker Fang Sha told i. “Everyone in the Commonwealth is living in utopian abundance, but I just feel empty inside. Sometimes I wish I was out there, crusading against fanatic purifiers or forming federations.”
Image: First Speaker Fang Sha longs for “just a little chaos" to “spice things up a bit.”
All types of Tokaa leaders say they feel the same. Due to the extended period of peace, the Commonwealth’s admirals and generals have not seen any action within their lifetimes. They are stuck at level one, parking their fleets and armies in orbit around their home star. In a way, they are cursed by their own success – their navy is powerful enough to deter any potential invaders.
In addition, other empires have closed their borders to the Tokaa in retaliation to their closed borders policy, and as a result Tokaa scientists are unable to explore the galaxy outside their borders.
Chang Suli, a Tokaa scientist with the Carefree trait told Xenonion, “Our species just wanted to be left alone in peace, but we didn’t realize it would be… so boring.”
Rates of zro substance misuse on the planet have reportedly shot up in recent events, with local Enforcers celebrating now they have something to do.
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