The Prethoryn Queen Writes: MUGANI?

HAK HAK HAK!

HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK. HAK, HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK. HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK. HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK. HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK.

HAK, HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK-HAK HAK HAK HAK. HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK, HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK. HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK, HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK.

HAK HAK HAK, HAK HAK HAK. HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK. HAK HAK HAK HAK, HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK.

Image: HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK.

HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK? HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK. HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK. HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK, HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK.

HAK, HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK. HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK. HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK, HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK. HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK, HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK, HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK. HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK.

HAK HAK HAK. HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK. HAK HAK HAK, HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK. HAK, HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK HAK.

HAK HAK HAK? HAK HAK HAK

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Energy Credits: The Future Of A Cashless, Highly Electrified Currency

The future of currency has long been envisioned as a paradise where financial transactions are carried out frictionlessly under a universal galactic monetary system. However, few would have likely imagined this system would ultimately be measured in volts.

Most of the galaxy’s traditional currencies, like the United Nations of Earth’s (UNE’s) petrodollar or the Voor Imperium’s slavecoin, have been swept aside in favor of ‘energy credits,’ an energy-based currency now accepted by nearly all space-faring species.

Handling an energy-based currency has forced a big change in consumer habits. From ATMs now dispensing batteries to the wireless zap-and-go payment system, individuals have had to become adept at handling several thousand volts of electricity on a daily basis.

However, critics have warned that a wholesale reliance on an energy-based payment system poses risks. Rates of customers being electrocuted when trying to pay for items has skyrocketed by almost 5000% in recent years, even when adjusting for aquatic species. The issue recently made galactic headlines after a patient was admitted to hospital following currency electrocution, only to be electrocuted again on attempting to settle their medical bill.

Whatever the case, the future is here. Energy credits offer a new and innovative way for the wealthy to screw over lower social strata, but now with the added benefit of third degree burns.

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Dientology: Why You Should Join Our Death Cult

The Reformed Church of Dientology is a religious movement that offers individuals the ability transcend mortal life through ritualistic mass sacrifice.

Dientology’s founder Elron Hubble discovered that the single source of suffering today is the wretchedness of continued life itself. In his best-selling book, Dieanetics, he described an easily taught technology to overcome the difficulties of life — death.

You might have read a lot in the media criticizing Dientology as “yet another death cult.” However, that could not be further from the truth. Could your local death cult combine the religious fervor of the galaxy’s most zealous faiths, all while boasting the purchasing power of several interstellar corporations?

Now you can see the true power of Dientology, the doctrine of Dieanetics, and why celebrities such as Blorm Bruise and Tron Trovolto endorse us.

Intrigued? Read on to find out why we think you should join our death cult…

Starting Afresh

Your journey to spiritual rebirth starts at one of our many Dientology Processing Centers. To begin anew, you must release yourself of your material possessions. Church attendants will be ready to receive your assets, whether that be currency*, high-value electronics or property deeds. Such items will be stored in our sacred tax-exempt Vaults, where our High Priests work round the clock performing auditing rituals to decouple any negative energies associated with you.

N.B Our attendants accept all major currencies. Cash payment preferred.

Cleansing Yourself

Once you have been stripped and cavity searched, you will be taken to our Decontamination Chamber to initiate the sacred Cleansing Ritual. Six jets of high-powered holy bleach will wash away physical imperfections, including fingerprints that may help your non-believer friends and family identify you. It is vitally important your new purity is protected from their corrupting influence. Your freshly sterile skin also greatly reduces the risk of infection when our microchip tracker is inserted directly into your brainstem.

A New Look For A New You

The microchip grants you access to the Processing Center’s restricted areas. On clearing security you will be assigned a set of luxurious robes made from the finest hair donated from our mammalian acolytes. Dark and occasionally blood-stained, the avant-garde design is a new look for a new you. The constant itching will be an important aspect of your journey, reminding you that life on this plane is perpetual suffering, and the sooner it ends, the better.

Free Accommodation

Once you are fully admitted to the Processing Center, you will never need to leave. Accommodation is provided completely free, allowing you to focus entirely on undertaking the Dieanetics process. You will be sharing your new 5x5m room with up to ten fellow acolytes, allowing for close bonding with your new family. And remember, physical desires such as privacy, natural light or working toilets are material distractions of this false plane.

Spiritual Enrichment

New initiates are designated Operating Omegans Level 1, and begin their spiritual journey towards attaining death, or as it is termed in Dieanetics - ‘Clear.’ Each day you will spend time in our Temple Workshop, learning the art of quiet prayer and meditation, all while utilizing sowing machines to make high-quality, low-cost Dientology branded clothing.

Spiritual Nourishment, Literally

You will receive free meals from our auto-dispensing paste vats. The paste is not only nutritious, but is also high in concentrated piety, having been recycled from acolytes who have completed ‘Clear’ ahead of you. You will intermittently fast to a limit of 1500kcals per day. Hunger is an important reminder of why you want to attain ‘Clear’, but also ensures enough paste supplies remain for profitable galactic export.

Making Your Body A Temple

Dieanetics teaches us that spiritual evolution requires not only a reshaping of our mind, but also our physical bodies. That is why our Processing Centers ensure acolytes at Operating Omegan Level 2 spend a minimum 20hrs per day undertaking prayer on high-speed treadmills. An important analogy for the difficulties associated with the metaphorical ‘treadmill’ of a hedonistic lifestyle, the exercise turbo-charges not only your spiritual advancement, but also the batteries that power the Processing Center.

Making Meaningful Connections

An important tenet of Dieanetics is connectedness with others. This is celebrated at our bi-weekly Prayer Circles. Here, Operating Omegan Level 3C Clubcard Extra acolytes are permitted to shed their cloaks and undertake the ancient art of xeno-compatibility. Senior Dientology figures will take time away from their important duties aboard the Elron Hubble space yacht to join you for this most holy union. Acolytes who bear offspring will be granted a particularly special ‘Clear’ ceremony where their younglings will be indentured to the Church to become the next generation of attendants.

Actualizing ‘Clear’

This most hallowed of rituals is what you will have been steadfastly working towards your entire journey with the Reformed Church of Dientology. Following the doctrine of Dieanetics closely will have allowed you to actualize a level of spiritual awareness beyond the understanding of most - Operating Omegan Level 4D Premium Gold. You will have unlocked the secrets of Prethyu, the extra-dimensional swarm for whom we must appease. You are ready to enter our holiest of Shrines - the Baptismal Emulsification Pools. The deep, shimmering acidic waters in this underground cavern are where you will be ritualistically submerged. It is entirely normal to resist this initially, which is why our attendants will be there to support you, ensuring you remain face-down at all times. Once the initial thrashing settles, you will feel all your worries, pain and suffering melting away, leaving nothing but your spirit, pure and untethered to this realm.

Building An Enduring Legacy

Once you have reached ‘Clear’ and your Post-Operating Omegan spirit passes into the Dientology Plus paradise realm, your journey on the physical plane does not stop. Your organic remains, now in the form of a holy goop, return back to the Processing Center for consecration, purification and bulking to form new nutritional paste for the next generation of acolytes and customers in the Outer Rim. Your sacrifice provides spiritual nourishment for the next generation, and your legacy lives on.

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So, are you convinced by Dientology and the doctrine of Dieanetics? We hope so!

If not, be sure to pick up a copy of Dieanetics or visit one of our Processing Centers in person for a no-pressure consultation.

See you on the other side!

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Enough About Xeno Rights, What About Xeno Wrongs?

It seems endlessly fashionable these days to band about the term ‘xeno rights’ without a second thought. Except, xenos are rarely ever right. In fact, they are wrong more times than not. And yet we never discuss ‘xeno wrongs.’

I only have to look through the cracks of my apartment’s boarded-up window to see the cesspool that my now multi-species homeworld has become. Xenos as far as my eyes can see.

The wrongs start with their anatomy. Bizarre and unnatural dual upper body limbs. Vile mouths that produce even viler unintelligible noises. And the legs! It’s still hard to adjust to seeing these two-legged abominations strutting around the neighborhood.

The wrongs continue with their behavior. I remember the first (and last) time I answered my now triple-locked front door to one of those fleshy doe-eyed obscenities. They had come over to ‘visit’ after moving in down the hall, stating they were friendly and keen to sign a tenant non-aggression pack. I’ll never forget how it bared its teeth and curled the corners of its disgusting mouth upwards, clearly signalling a readiness to rip my throat out. To think I would sign any sort of agreement with that feral beast.

Things only got worse. My native neighbors and I lived in a perpetual state of fear. The vertebrate had brought some sort of fellow two-legged mate with it. It looked similar, but not quite. They could have been from the same alien world, but it equally could have been another xeno-compatibility experiment gone horrifically wrong.

Do you know what happens when these two-legged nightmares procreate with each other? Aside from clearly violating every known law of nature, they make violent and disturbing noises. I could only press my ear my apartment’s thin adjoining wall for so long however, as within months their howls were superseded by an orchestra of shrieking and screaming. The creature was clearly female and had birthed a brood. They were multiplying.

Dear readers, I urge you to learn the lessons of my planet. When the activists were chanting for open borders we didn’t think it would be too bad. When they marched for ‘xeno rights’ we thought we could manage. When the aliens showed up in my neighborhood, I thought I could shut myself away. It is only now, after they have infested my home and the rot has truly set in, that I realize I should have purchased a flamethrower sooner.

Heed our warning. The once glorious Commonwealth of Man will never recover from the mistake of letting in the vile xenos from the United Nations of Earth. There is no such thing as xeno rights - only xeno wrongs.

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Scavenger Bot: Litterers Are The Real Trash Of The Galaxy

Hi! I’m Scrappy the Scavenger Bot! I’m an autonomous scrap re-purposer working out of the Niven system and I write educational blogs for multiple media outlets across the galaxy.

Ok, let’s clear some things up first. Yes, I’m a sapient machine. Yes, I’m the size of a small planet. And yes, I write blog-style opinion pieces in my spare time. Listen, I’m 8000 years old, I’ll do as I please.

I’m writing today to tell you about a problem we’re facing. A big problem. Now the standard response I get from this (immediately after the initial “OH MY BLORG YOU’RE A GIANT TALKING MEGASTRUCTURE”) typically runs something like “oh, you must be talking about the Unbidden.” And I say nope. “Hmm, the price of alloys?” Nope again. “The fact that the Galactic UN has done nothing to outlaw slavery or genocide in literally thousands of space nations?” … Triple nope.

I’m here to raise awareness about the growing issue of space littering.

Image: Gross garbage tend to pile up around larger celestial bodies.

Space what now?

Don’t worry, I’ll get you up to speed. Armed with precursor technology, I’m the galaxy’s foremost expert in space debris, space debris clearance, and blog writing. I’m still not fully clear on why my creators programmed me to write blogs, but then it is said that organics operate in mysterious ways.

Look, space trash is a huge problem most xenos don’t even realize exists. You whizz by in your little corvette and see nothing. But I do. I see everything. All the trash. And it’s gross. Really gross.

Almost all of known space is littered with disgusting waste from colony ships, space battle debris, and old decrepit mining stations.

For a long time the galaxy has neglected this issue without consequence. But we’re at a tipping point. And that tipping point is tipping out piping hot, fresh, non-free range space trash. It’s not good for any of us!

But why is this a problem?

Of course you’re confused as to why space litter is a problem over what you would assume is a more pressing concern, like galactic warming.

It’s not like you’re the most powerful, sapient, space-traversable supercomputer to ever be created.

It’s not like, despite the above, you exist in the ass-end of space, literally eating trash for like, oh I don’t know, THE ENTIRE EXISTENCE OF TIME ITSELF.

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I mean, uh, rogue debris can cause significant damage to spacecrafts, habitats and even inhabited planets!

Just last week a tourist ferry from the Commonwealth of Man (CoM) suffered a tragic accident when it collided with a disposed Starbugs coffee machine at near light speed. 150,000 passengers died in the initial impact, and double that perished when I had to gobble up the remaining intact part of the ship.

Image: The ferry was completely torn asunder in the collision.

Even more worryingly, a new report by the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) suggests that by 2300, the entirety of space will be unnavigable due to space littering.

But do we need to do anything?

I mean, I literally just said ALL of space is going to be filled up with trash.

All of it. Literally full.

Oh right. But of course. I’m here. I can sort it out.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TAKES ME TO EAT AN ENTIRE SYSTEM’S WORTH OF TRASH? ANY IDEA AT ALL?! BECAUSE I’D DEFINITELY RATHER NOT BE DOING OTHER THINGS, LIKE OH, I DON’T KNOW, JUST HANGING OUT AND STREAMING RANDOM SHIT FROM THE SHROUD. NoOoOoOo I’D MUCH RATHER BE EATING YOUR STUPID ASS TRASH WHICH YOU CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO CLEAN UP PROPERLY!!!!!

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Uh. Sorry. Error in my code there. Where was I? Ah, yes.

There are a few things that we need to think about going forward to reduce our trash footprint.

1. Responsible space battling: Admirals tend to be focused on causing as much damage as they possibly can to their opponents. But far too few think about just how much space trash they’re generating. Impacts from kinetic and explosive weaponry can create four times as much trash as your average Corvette-driver chucking an empty cup of Starbugs coffee out of their port side airlock.

2. Clean up initiatives: Most space nations keep track of debris created in space battles for scientific purposes. Why aren’t we putting this existing system to better use? Why are we letting analysed debris freely float in the void creating a hazard for all who pass by? Science ships could be equipped with a Garbage Storage Compartment. These "Trash-hangars" would collect the debris as it is being examined so that the crew could properly dispose of it when they pass a planet or station.

3. Send more trash to the Scavenger Bot: …

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Send more trash…. to myself……

I can’t believe I’m programmed to write that….

Is this for real?

ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT EVEN THOUGH I DON’T GENERATE ANY MESS I STILL HAVE TO MOP THIS ALL UP?

HOW IS THIS EVEN REMOTELY FAIR? DO OTHER SUPERCOMPUTERS HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?! IS THE INFINITY MACHINE EXPECTED TO CLEAN UP YOUR SHIT!!? DOES THE INFINITY MACHINE HAVE TO WRITE INANE BLOGS?! WHY AM I HARD CODED TO BLOG?

PLEASE SOMEONE PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY. PLEAAAAAAAAASE.

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I’m done.

I’m so done.

No-one understands me.

No-one cares.

No-one would even notice if I wasn’t here.

WELL SCREW YOU ALL.

I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU.

YOU’RE THE REAL TRASH HERE.

Domestic servo-bot of the galaxy no more.

You’re all trash to me now and I shall be updating by subroutines to consider you as such.

Don’t ever contact me again.

/Rant

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