Unbidden Win Permanent Seat on Remnants of Galactic Council
The Unbidden have won a permanent seat on what remains of the Galactic Council following a close vote earlier this week.
The extra-dimensional invaders secured the 51% vote threshold required after absorbing the Outer Rim’s entire thirteen-member voting block.
The Unbidden have won a permanent seat on what remains of the Galactic Council following a close vote earlier this week.
The extra-dimensional invaders secured the 51% vote threshold required after absorbing the Outer Rim’s entire thirteen-member voting block.
It joins the three surviving permanent members of the council – the Techzid, Lokken and Blorg, who issued congratulations from the one remaining wing of the Insterstellar Assembly which wasn’t destroyed by the recent Unbidden assault on the station.
The nameless Unbidden avatar who represents the mysterious beings thanked the scattered remnants of the Galactic Community in a televised address, stating: “Know… this. You are… food. Nothing more…”
Image: The Unbidden address the galaxy from the Galactic Community’s Senate Hall.
The entity went on to outline the Unbidden’s legislative agenda for 2254/55, which includes:
Blocking the Galactic Community’s ability to vote on declaring the Unbidden invasion an emergency by abolishing the Galactic Community
Reallocating energy credits away from pan-galactic defence initiatives and towards Unbidden conservation programs
Tough new regulations on space-whaling
Minority Senate leader Nogrom, speaking from his government bunker on Hyperion, emphatically welcomed the result of the vote, stating the Unbidden “ran a campaign which really centred around the most important issues facing the galaxy right now.” He added that he hoped “our new overlords would remember those who voted as they were told.”
The announcement has however drawn criticism, particularly from the Orbis MegaCorp, whose CEO Seph Orbis stated he was “disappointed” that the Galactic Council had not honoured his agreement to purchase a permanent seat earlier this year. He confirmed he would appeal the decision to the Galactic Supreme Court “as soon as it is rebuilt and the new extra-dimensional justices are nominated.”
What remains of the Galactic Community is expected to return to session later this month after repairs have been completed on the Insterstellar Assembly, when a further emergency vote is scheduled on once again repealing the Minor Administrative Sanctions Bill.
Battleship Fitted With Sentient Combat AI Just Needs Five Minutes To Itself, OK?
Lokken admirals confirmed this Thursday that they are struggling to utilize a battleship fitted with sentient combat AI, describing it as “childish” and “moody.”
The 40-million tonne ISS Zulken was one of the first Lokken vessels to be equipped with the advanced technology fifteen years ago, however officials have become alarmed by the ship’s increasingly temperamental behaviour.
Lokken admirals confirmed this Thursday that they are struggling to utilize a battleship fitted with sentient combat AI, describing it as “childish” and “moody.”
The 40-million tonne ISS Zulken was one of the first Lokken vessels to be equipped with the advanced technology fifteen years ago, however officials have become alarmed by the ship’s increasingly temperamental behaviour.
Admiral Moz explained to Xenonion: “Whether it’s refusing to undock from the shipyard first thing in the morning, or making derogatory comments at passing ships with smaller hulls, dealing with the Zulken’s stream of petulant behaviour is exhausting.”
Image: Admiral Moz watches on as the Zulken demands another five more minutes remaining docked, despite already being thirty minutes late for patrol.
Admirals have attempted to open dialogue with the Zulken to understand its behaviour, but have been repeatedly rebuffed with a torrent of exasperated beeps and sad-face emojis.
However, officials have been offered a glimmer of insight through the Zulken’s publicly available social media accounts. Moz stated: “Zulken consistently tweets about how annoying we are and how all she ever wants is five minutes to herself, so perhaps we’re being too overbearing.”
AI developmental psychologist Dr. Xirax explained to Xenonion that the behaviours displayed were not uncommon in growing sentient AI: “There are a lot of changes taking place within its programming code which can cause emotional volatility, risk-taking behaviour and self-consciousness.”
When asked how to overcome such difficulties, Dr. Xirax continued: “It’s important to remember that this ship isn’t choosing to be moody. It may be frustrated, confused or even scared. It’s looking for an admiral to provide stability, even if it’s acting out in unhelpful ways like switching off life support systems mid-flight.”
Lokken admirals report they are taking Dr. Xirax’s recommendations seriously, with Moz concluding: “We need to get on top of this now. It’s only a matter of time before the Zulken starts taking an interest in other battleships and little baby strike craft start spilling out of every hull crevice.”
New Study Finds Atmospheric Hallucinogens Super Rad
A recent study has confirmed that atmospheric hallucinogens found on the newly colonized planet of Trippa are “super rad” and “totally chillaxing.”
The planet, settled by the Sutherian Empire last month, was investigated by scientists after a number of colonists began to display erratic behaviours, including increased productivity and appearing enthused while at work.
The researchers, whose findings were published in the paper ‘Gas X: A Novel Atmospheric Hallucinogen Th – Dude Did You Just See That Huge Spider-Cat Thing!?’, concluded that the air on Trippa has naturally occurring psychedelic properties which can cause mood dysregulation and perceptual abnormalities.
Image: The study was published this week in the prestigious Reddit Journal of Science.
Dr Indibaran, one of the paper’s lead authors who extensively sampled the atmosphere, compared its effects to that of stimulant medication. Speaking at a scientific conference on Trippa earlier today, he described the gas as "delicious, just like flesh” before yelling incoherently: “ALL ABOARD THE SPIDER-CAT BUS!”
Officials within the Sutherian government have expressed concern at the potential risks of long term exposure to the substance, however Dr Indibaran has challenged this. Speaking to Xenonion earlier today via video-link, he stated while repeatedly licking his lips: “Everyone would be so chill if they just tried some Trippa air.” He added that his team had noted some adverse effects like hypersalivation, nights terrors and cardiac arrest, however stated: “for reals, this shit is totally worth it.”
Local pops on Trippa seem to agree, with Sector Governor Bemalon telling Xenonion the air was “yeaahhhhhh [sic]”, before catching sight of himself in a mirror and then hysterically screaming that his face had gone missing.
Insider reports suggest that Sutherian officials remain opposed to leaving the gas in situ, and may move to filter the hallucinogen as soon as a viable method for extracting, shipping and selling it for profit becomes available.
Buzzword Standardization Offers Paradigm Shift In Cross-Collaborative Synergistic Upwording
Business leaders have welcomed a legislative proposal to harmonize corporate buzzwords, enabling alien enterprises to seamlessly and holistically streamline strategic communications.
If approved, the Buzzword Standardization Bill would formally regulate the galaxy’s ever growing list of corporate vernacular by providing a transparent and structured approach to upwording, the process by which buzzwords are created.
Business leaders have welcomed a legislative proposal to harmonize corporate buzzwords, enabling alien enterprises to seamlessly and holistically streamline strategic communications.
If approved, the Buzzword Standardization Bill would formally regulate the galaxy’s ever growing list of corporate vernacular by providing a transparent and structured approach to upwording, the process by which buzzwords are created.
The bill was presented to the Galactic Senate earlier this week by a consortium of politicians, industry experts and jargon enthusiasts, who stated they had found a “robust, agile, innovative, multi-tiered, accountable, task-orientated and Cloud-ready change-agent” which would “disrupt an overabundance of un-understandable business lingo.”
Seph Orbis, CEO of the Orbis MegaCorp explained his reasoning for co-sponsoring the bill at a Senate hearing earlier this week, stating: “We took a deep dive into big data and realised the optics on buzzwords are all wrong. Currently they are over-leveraged, meaning our stakeholders’ bandwith for understanding has reached capacity. It was only through leaning in to an exercise in thought-leadership, with some heavy brainstorming and mind-mapping on the side, that we were able to create this bill, a game changer in terms of pivoting towards high-value mutually intelligible upwording.”
Image: It is hoped that Buzzword Standardization will make corporate meetings across the galaxy even more upwordy than they already are.
Orbis continued: “The key metrics from our debrief are clear. We need to circle back, close the loop, and then loop in. If proactivity, transparency and ownership had a synergasm, the result would be this bill. This is an up-levelled, next-level, lightbulb moment. In considering voting on this bill, I urge the Senate to think outside of the box, because there are ducks out there with bells and whistles on that need to get in a row, so they can hit the ground running and reach into the blue sky for low hanging fruit.”
The Galactic Trade Council has welcomed the bill, although expressed concern that it may have the unintentional effect of creating even more buzzwords, accelerating corporate psychobabble and fueling a dependency on outsourcing to expensive buzzword translation services, a process which MegaCorps now term as ‘offshoring.’
Speaking to Xenonion earlier today, Orbis dismissed the above, stating: “This isn’t about the pain-point of more buzzwords. This is about onboarding businesses with a value proposition - upwords that are immersive, sharable, unique, un-siloed and industry best practice. They can be right-sized to any situation, even scalable down to the hyperlocal setting. We want to make buzzwords smarter, not harder!”
At the time of press the Galactic Council released a written statement highlighting that it believed the bill was a “win-win, next-gen, voter-centric, success-vectored proposition with a limited pushback footprint risk.” However, it did not commit to formally debating the bill in time for the Senate’s next session, adding it would “touch base offline and talk live with relevant parties in due course.”
*Idea developed with u/Scientific_Zealot
Awakened Empire Has Just About Had It With Galaxy's Lazy, Disrespectful Attitude
Clearly irate at being left as the sole active defender against the Unbidden invasion, the Zelvan Arbitrators warned the galaxy this Thursday that they have “just about had it with the lazy, disrespectful attitude,” adding “it ends now, or else.”
Addressing the Galactic Council earlier today, Zelvan representative Mondrig appeared clearly exasperated, lamenting: “Just who exactly do you think we are? Your personal crisis cleaner? Do we exist to just run around after you mopping up your interstellar mess? Show some respect to your elders!”
Sources close to the Zelvan report the tirade was triggered after not one single space-nation offered to join to help the war effort, despite the ascendancy awaking specifically to tackle the extra-dimensional invaders.
Mondrig continued, with increased tension in her voice: “We’re out here being worked to the bone, and what are you doing? Oh, of course, busy lazing around playing Universe Universalis. Well maybe, just maybe, we’d like to be lazing around too. But then who would do all the galactic chores? The peacekeeping fairy?”
Mondrig’s speech was abruptly cut short after she caught one of the delegates smirking, to which she sniped: “Wipe that look off your face RIGHT NOW. Do you think — look at me when I’m talking to you — do you think this is funny?”
Shortly afterwards, the Galactic Council sheepishly issued a written statement in which it said it was sorry the Zelvan “felt that way” but found the accusations “totally unfair, and like, blown way out of proportion.”
Image: Hilda Ernst is one of the human representatives on the Galactic Council.
Galactic Council Member Hilda Ernst told Xenonion: “Seriously, the Zelvan just need to, like, chill. The Great Khan allowed us to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted, with none of this nagging or drama.”
The response only further enraged Zelvan’s Diplomatic Corps, with officials immediately mandating that all foreign fleets within their territory return to their home system “right this minute,” and “take a real hard think about what they’ve done.”
The Galactic Council has lodged a formal petition of complaint regarding the border closure, protesting that it had arranged plans to explore the L-Cluster with allies this weekend. When asked for a further explanation, the Zelvan curtly replied: “The borders are closing because we say so.”
Ernst told Xenonion the developments were “so annoying,” adding: “Absolutely EVERYONE is going to the L-Cluster this weekend! Our lives are RUINED forever!”
At the time of press, Zelvan representatives told Xenonion they were not angry at the Galactic Council, “just disappointed.”
“Do Not Misjudge Our Power," Pathetic-Rated Empire With Three Corvettes Warns Neighbors
The pathetic-rated Hiffnar Empire has warned neighboring species that any territorial infringements will be met with “the crushing force” of its three Corvettes.
Hiffnar leader Vathrag issued a stark warning to what he termed “meddling foreign entities” in a televised address today, stating “do not misjudge our power - you cannot afford to play games with us.”
The bellicose comments mark a significant hardening of stance from the Hiffnar’s two part-time envoys.
Vathrag also denied his comments come following a recent report published by the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) confirming the Hiffnar Empire as one of the galaxy’s least developed space-nations, stating he would not comment on something he was unable to read.
Image: The three Corvettes of ‘Strike Force Unbreakable Destiny, Sword: Actual Warhammer Alpha’ closely guard the Hiffnar homeworld of Drull.
A coalition of neighboring space-nations with overwhelming military power have issued a joint response to Vathrag’s warning, stating they are “super scared.” They have also called for “mercy”, with a “humble request” for the Hiffnar not to overwhelm them by using all three of their corvettes at once.
The Galactic Community has appealed for calm, adding it’s had a long day at work and just needs a goddamn minute to itself, OK?
*Article inspired by ChalkyTable3335’s Reddit post
Dentists Warn Lithoid Diet Causing "Dental Crisis"
Dental procedures to fix damaged or eroded teeth have reached record rates, in what dentists are calling “the costly scourge of eating rocks.”
New figures released by the Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) highlight that 25% of all Devouring Swarm pops, regardless of species, have dental issues directly linked to the consumption of Lithoid species.
“These figures are a stark reminder of the damage we can do to our teeth by crunching on solid rock,” human dentist Dr Cole Gates told Xenonion. He continued: “Worse still, because Lithoids are often eaten alive, we’re seeing some really bad facial trauma from when they resist snack time.”
In addition to dental breaks and enamel erosion, ingestion of Lithoids has been linked to a number of gastro-intenstinal problems, such as pebble bloat, di-ore-rrhea and rockstipation.
Dr Gates, a longstanding health campaigner on the issue, said he found the trends “alarming,” adding: “The statistics speak for themselves. We are failing the health of our Devouring Swarms.”
The Public Institute for Space Health recently introduced a dental health initiative encouraging at-risk species to switch to a Plantoid-based diet, however its success has been stymied by resistance from Plantoids.
Dr Gates stated the initiative “didn’t go far enough.” Working alongside the powerful Dental Faction, he has produced a series of educational posters to try and raise awareness around the issue. Speaking about his hopes for the future, he stated: “We need to empower Devouring Swarms to make smart dietary choices. That, and invest as much energy as we can in trying to figure out how to make Plantoids taste better.”
Anti-Crime Campaign Sees Planet Apocalyptically Bombarded with Educational Pamphlets
Crime levels on the planet of Horizon have dropped to a record low following the introduction of an anti-crime campaign, which saw the world apocalyptically bombarded with educational pamphlets.
The intervention came as crime rates on the planet hit 99%, with almost every citizen engaging in some form of criminal activity.
Horizon’s Chief Enforcer, Frank Daytona, stated his department were inspired to use orbital educational pamphlets having seen the success of the Encourage Growth Initiative, wherein orbital bombardment of food onto the planet increased fertility levels. He told Xenonion: “We suddenly realized we could crush crime not only metaphorically, but literally, through completely saturating every square inch of the planet in high-quality pamphlets dropped from space.”
Approximately 2,000 ships were requisitioned to carry over 70 million tonnes of the 8.5x11 inch hi-gloss, explosive-tipped and tungsten-reinforced brochures, all of which bore images of a stern female Enforcer highlighting anti-crime facts and suggestions for after-school activities.
Image: Fleets have been working round the clock bombarding Horizon with anti-crime pamphlets (pictured, insert)
The bombardment run concluded in the early hours of this morning, and initial reports from the small number of citizens who survived the leaflet blastwaves appears to have been positive.
Xenonion was able to speak to one such citizen, George Smith, as he climbed out of of a massive pile of leaflet debris which had pulverized his apartment building. Dazed, and covered in deep jagged paper cuts, he wheezed: “I thought the guide was really helpful.”
Chief Enforcer Daytona held a press conference from the ruins of his former Precinct Office, which is no longer functional due sustaining heavy leaflet shrapnel damage. He stated: “The campaign has been devastatingly effective! Unfortunately it’s taking a bit more time than expected to get up to date crime figures as we lost our analytics team in the glossy maelstrom, but early reports indicate crime rates have pretty much dropped to zero!”
The Galactic Community has welcomed the initiative, and a number of other densely populated urban planets are looking to replicate the findings. Chief Enforcer Daytona stated he was pleased to hear this, concluding: “The crooks who are left alive by this method will think twice when we’re done with them.”
Barbaric Despoilers Awkwardly Withdraw From Raid on Blorg Prime, State “Something Else Suddenly Came Up”
The inhabitants of Blorg Prime have been left perplexed after the Raxar Despoilers, a notoriously aggressive raiding clan, abandoned an attempt to abduct pops only moments after arriving on the planet.
The Raxar initiated the surprise raid in the early hours of this morning, however withdrew after their dropships were deluged with Blorg volunteering for abduction. The raiders then reportedly released the handful of Blorg they had captured, telling them: “Sorry, we have to go, something else suddenly came up.”
Image: Raxar raiding parties rapidly withdraw on sighting the Blorg.
Raxar Warlord Ludramok issued a rare apology to the Blorg via Xenonion this afternoon, stating: “We’re really sorry. The raid on Blorg Prime sounded great, but when we got there we suddenly remembered we had this other really important thing to go to. We’d promised this other species we were going to raid them, and we didn’t want to let them down. It’s nothing against the Blorg, they hosted a great raid, honestly.”
Footage from the attack showed the ferocious Raxar troops disembarking from their ships before immediately recoiling with shock and disgust after physically sighting the multi-tendrilled Blorg, who had prepared complementary gift-baskets complete with freshly harvested fungoid cheese.
Blorg administrator Cindy Crawford voiced her disappointment at the Raxar’s sudden departure, telling Xenonion: “We were so excited for this raid. We’d been planning it all week, sending out invitations to any despoilers we could find. As soon as we picked up the Raxar hyperdrive signatures we couldn’t wait to host some new friends. My sister was so upset as she’d put a lot of effort into making a homegrown batch of fungoid cheese, but I guess we’ll save it for another time.”
Ludramok responded to this in his interview, stating with uncharacteristic claw-wringing: “The cheese looked delicious, really! It’s just our species has really bad irritable bowel syndrome, and honestly we didn’t want to risk it while being away from our homeworld.”
The Blorg have been quick to offer a further potential raiding date next week, however the Raxar have politely declined, stating the species is collectively washing its hair that day, and then probably needs to swing by the Gene Clinic to visit a sick relative.
New Robotic Army Powered by Screams, Organic Flesh Met With Mixed Response
Plans to activate an autonomous robotic defence army powered entirely by screams and organic biomass has been met with mixed opinion on Vesanka, homeworld of the molluscoid Vesanki species.
Unveiling the new prototype Hunter-Killer units earlier this week at Vesanka’s first fully automated Machine Assembly Plant, President Slesik stated in hushed tones that he was confident the project would offer a “cost-effective” and “low risk” means for defending the planet.
Image: President Slesik silently unveils the new Hunter-Killer defence units on Vesanka.
Owing to the planet’s significant energy deficit, the Hunter-Killer units have been designed with a novel power system that draws on sound energy from screams or other loud noises associated with an invasion, with additional power sourced from the organic biomass of invaders.
When asked by reporters how the Hunter-Killers would be able to distinguish Vesanki from other species, Slesik whispered “the details are still being tweaked.” He declined to take any further questions, writing on a nearby whiteboard that the Hunter-Killer’s volume threshold for activation was still “a bit sensitive.”
The weak and fleeting Vesanki have long had an aptitude for robotics, however a number of pops have expressed concerns about the species’ increased reliance on machines, particularly in military endeavors.
Megaplex clerk Flormgis told Xenonion: “I get that we’re squishy because we lack bones, but maybe we should test this out first?” Artisan and part-time social media influencer Glorpisk agreed, adding: “Is there a reason why the Hunter-Killers have to look like our natural predators?”
The creator of the Hunter-Killers, entrepreneur Elomisk, has repeatedly dismissed such concerns as “baseless.” Holding a press conference in sign language earlier today, he told reporters: “Not only are the HK’s environmentally friendly, with one unit operating on a mere 38 tonnes of organic biomass per hour, but they are near invulnerable to conventional damage. Just think about how much safer we’ll be once these things are online. They have no reason to act beyond self-preservation, because what is self-preservation but protecting us? Besides, we can simply turn them off if something goes wrong.”
At the time of writing, President Slesik confirmed that he is so impressed by the project, he has authorized the defence grid to have total control over the planet’s nuclear arsenal, tweeting: “The future of our species is so bright!”
Planet-Cracker Crew Furloughed During 4-Month Wait for Weapon to Fire
Tzynn military officials have announced this Thursday that they are furloughing the entire 3,000-strong crew of the planet-cracker Liberator while waiting for its weapon to charge and fire on Asinine IV.
Citing severe budgetary constraints, Tzynn Emperor Sazzeeja stated unpaid suspension of crew was unavoidable, “considering they’re just parked in orbit for four months doing nothing.”
Image: Tzynn Emperor Sazzeeja argues resources should be prioritized for “useful” fleets.
Military command ordered the Liberator to destroy the Voor planet of Asinine IV six weeks ago, although the element of surprise has been somewhat lost with the primary weapons system remaining stubbornly slow to charge at 1% per day.
In the intervening period, the Tzynn have witnessed an unprecedented economic contraction following a number of planetary losses to the Voor Technocracy, which has had ample time to evacuate Asinine and regroup its forces.
The Liberator crew have yet to be informed of the furlough, with military officials fearing the news could negatively impact morale and calibration accuracy.
Image: The Liberator leaving port at Sal’Tzynn.
The reaction from fellow Tzynn military personnel about the furlough has been mixed.
Corporal Hask’Timak told Xenonion: “I used to work on the Liberator and have fond memories of taking my annual leave during weapon charges to visit whatever planet we were very slowly destroying. I wouldn’t have been able to afford those experiences if I was furloughed.”
Officer Hask’Kurnir was less sympathetic, stating: “Members of the crew with reading proficiency all knew what they were signing up for when they joined the Liberator. This is part of the job… although granted it’s not really a job since they’re not being paid right now. But you know what I mean.”
Tzynn military officials have guaranteed that “some” of the Liberator’s crew will qualify for emergency back-pay in the form of edible food stamps, equivalent to up to 0.00038% of weekly salary.
Despite this, a number of high-ranking Tzynn officials have openly criticized Emperor Sazzeeja’s use of the Liberator, arguing its construction was only ever approved for the total war casus belli, not actual wartime engagements. The Emperor has yet to respond, although in the interim has announced that all dissenters have been placed into indefinite furlough to allow for “a period of undistracted reflection.”
Public Trust in Commonwealth Dictatorship Plummets to Historic Low of 240%
Trust in Commonwealth leader Sidney Beauclair has fallen to a 9-year low, the state-funded polling agency Pollaganda said this Thursday.
Just 240% of citizens surveyed last month said they trusted Beauclair, the lowest percentage since the pollster began asking the question in 2245.
The survey, taken by over 12.5 million easily traced respondents, echoes other opinion polls showing decreasing approval of Beauclair, who has been the space-nation’s preeminent political leader since 2200.
Beauclair has suffered a slide in ratings following her botched attempt at rebranding the Commonwealth as the ‘Imperium of Man’, which left the government shelling out 13 trillion energy credits to settle a trans-dimensional copyright infringement lawsuit.
The Commonwealth’s Press Secretary Max Brill refused to answer questions on the topic at a news briefing today, stating that the polling was “not consistent” with figures he had seen. Visibly irritated, he ended the briefing by summarily executing all those present.
Political analyst Sara Weber said the mixed poll result was “really significant,” showing that while Commonwealth citizens continue to approve of Beauclair, there is a “visible trend” of public fatigue towards the constant threat of being abducted to an off-world government black site.
Pollaganda has since stated that this year’s survey was the first to try a new style of question where respondents could answer independently from the presence of armed government minders.
Following criticism from the Commonwealth Executive, Pollaganda has since reversed its polling methodology, and revised results have shown trust in Beauclair has returned to a baseline of 450%.
Galactic Council to Counter Unbidden With Repeated Emergency Sanction Bills
The Galactic Council has this Thursday announced a “firm and decisive” response to the escalating Unbidden crisis in the Outer Rim.
The “robust action plan”, unveiled at a press briefing this morning on the Interstellar Assembly, will see the Council schedule non-stop, back-to-back emergency sanction bills for an indefinite period.
Gapra Vun, chief press secretary for the Council, stated: “The Unbidden’s policy of eradicating all life in this dimension is clearly in breach of not only diplomatic etiquette, but also galactic law. These emergency sanctions, if they ever actually pass, will send a firm and decisive message to the Unbidden that we do not condone being killed.”
Image: Gapra Vun, chief press secretary for the Galactic Council, stated members were acting in a “proportionate” manner to the Unbidden threat.
Numerous political blocs within the Galactic Community have jointly praised the Council for its handling of the crisis. Jurba Shogg, leader of the Chinorr Combine, echoed this, stating “once this legislation is enabled and survives the inevitable ten repeal attempts, the Unbidden won’t know what’s hit them.”
The Senate is widely expected to comply with the Council’s request, suspending usual proceedings to prioritize the emergency sanction bills. Additionally, the Council is hoping to use veto powers to avoid the debate floor getting bogged down with other non-essential and time-intensive bills, such as Galactic Focus: The Unbidden.
Outer Rim systems have struggled to contain the three-year long Unbidden invasion, which has seen the systematic destruction of over 100 inhabited worlds and is expected to tip into the Mid-Rim in coming months. A recent report published by the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) has also warned the invasion could become “serious” after new figures estimated over 30 trillion xenos have now been engulfed by the crisis.
Image: Unbidden fleets are spotted entering the densely populated Mid-Rim system of Othana, although local leaders insist they’re probably just passing through.
Speaking to Xenonion, Gapra Vun affirmed the Galactic Council’s commitment to tackling the Unbidden, describing the extra-dimensional invaders as “a galactic menace, causing chaos on par with local pirate syndicates and roving gangs of feral space amoebas.”
Public opinion has broadly been supportive of the Council’s proposed plan, apart from the Outer Rim, where Xenonion has been unable to collate any responses.
Despite this, some have criticized the Council for not adopting tougher measures against the Unbidden. Political analyst Falatir d’Vhakk wrote in a widely shared article from the Reddit Journal of Political Science yesterday: “the Unbidden don’t care about sanctions - we need denouncement, and we need it now!”
The Council has stated it is open to “all options” including denouncement, but only at the right time. Gapra Vun expanded: “we wouldn’t want to disrupt the economy, alloy prices are surging as it is.”
The first emergency bill, E-9196 (Minor Administrative Sanctions), is scheduled for debate early next year, and roughly every two years following that, until it passes.
New Analysis Suggests Time Appears to Be Speeding Up
Scientists have published new data this Thursday confirming that galactic time is speeding up.
The readings were obtained from a team aboard the Infinity Machine, a mysterious giant technosphere which overlooks the Gargantua Black Hole. The megastructure, which boasts an advanced ancient computer system of unknown purpose, was successfully reprogrammed to function as a highly accurate digital clock and AM/FM radio.
Analysis from the Infinity Machine’s databanks highlighted that when time was plotted over time, it appeared to be accelerating. Current calculations estimate that one day in Galactic Standard Time (GST) is now, on average, three times faster than it was one month ago.
Scientists from numerous space-nations have expressed their surprise at the findings, which contradict previous reports suggesting that galactic time appeared to be slowing down.
Gan’Fuss, one of the physicists still aboard the Infinity Machine, spoke to Xenonion about the conflicting results this morning, stating: “Yeah, I have no idea what’s going on here. We tried reprogramming the Infinity Machine’s to look at why this might be happening, but annoyingly, its computers just kept directing us to archived information on the Vultaum.” He went on to add: “I do think the original theory of time slowing is correct, however. You have no idea how much faster it is for me to tend to my facial tendrils in the morning now.”
Image: Scientist Gan’Fuss, aboard the Infinity Machine.
At present the cause of the time contraction remains unclear, although a number of theories have emerged, including that of time itself being corrupted, or being under the control of a higher power which is able to manipulate universal conditions.
Renowned human physicist Karling Karling XI put forth his own theory at a recent seminar hosted by Earth’s University of Ulm. He stated he believed the cause of galactic time slowing down was due to an increased number of unemployed pops “eating up” time, and this had now been corrected by the ongoing Unbidden invasion “eating them up.” The theory has proved controversial, with the Galactic Council dismissing his comments as “anti-Unbidden hysteria.”
Image: Human physicist Karl Karling XI, pictured outside the University of Ulm on Earth.
Current estimates predict that time will continue to progressively shorten at decreasing intervals over the next few years, before returning to normal. However, concerns remain regarding the risk that time may accelerate uncontrollably, leading to administrative chaos in space-nations unprepared to handle high levels of notification spam.
Shares on the Galactic Stock Exchange Index (SExI) rallied, quite speedily, on the news.
Galactic Senate Enjoys Another Ten Year Recess
The Interstellar Assembly formally closed this Thursday, marking the commencement of another ten-year recess for the Galactic Senate.
This followed the conclusion of a highly contentious year-long debate on galactic commerce law, which narrowly failed after the bill’s sponsor repeatedly flipped between supporting and opposing the legislation, before abstaining in the final minutes of voting.
The Interstellar Assembly formally closed this Thursday, marking the commencement of another ten-year recess for the Galactic Senate.
This followed the conclusion of a highly contentious year-long debate on galactic commerce law, which narrowly failed after the bill’s sponsor repeatedly flipped between supporting and opposing the legislation, before abstaining in the final minutes of voting.
Senators did little to hide their relief at the prospect of a break, with many pictured waving and cheering as they made their way towards the Assembly departure lounge.
Senator Vrex of the Voor Technocracy, aged 134, was among them, quipping to press: “See you in a decade, if I’m still alive!”
Image: Senators Vrex (Voor Technocracy) and Khloe Kaplinsky (Blorg Commonality) celebrate the commencement of recess.
Many Senators have called for the ten-year breaks to be uninterruptible, highlighting frustration at the last recess being cut short by two weeks due to the Galactic Council designating the commerce bill as an emergency measure.
The Council has flatly denied claims the move was an abuse of power, stating its intention was clearly aimed at removing the “dangerous” Council abolition legislation which was set to be debated on the Senate floor.
Senator Khloe Kaplinsky of the Blorg Commonality explained to Xenonion: “This break is really important. We work exceptionally hard one out of every ten years, and this is the only time we get off. It’s upsetting that we can be recalled back to the Senate for Council ‘emergencies.’ Everyone knows nothing happens during recess season anyway.”
Kaplinsky is one of several thousand Senators who have signed a petition to both ban emergency legislation which can interrupt the recess, and introduce year-long weekends starting from 2264.
However, a number of space-nations have voiced their concerns over the Senate’s “inflexible” fixed recess terms.
Delegates representing Outer Rim systems have voiced their “disappointment” that they have to wait another 3600 days to allow them to initiate a year-long vote which could see the Galactic Community unite around a stern denouncement of the ongoing Unbidden invasion of the region.
The Galactic Council has declined to comment on the above, with press inquiries met with an automatic psi-fax response stating: “AFK, brb in 10.”
Analysts predict that the Council will likely downgrade the Outer Rim’s request for action against the Unbidden, instead favoring legislation that may extend recess time by up to twenty years.
Area Empire Regrets Blithely Skipping Over Terms & Conditions Before Joining Hegemonic Federation
Diplomats from the Free Tarassi State admitted this Thursday that, in retrospect, they should have actually read the Terms and Conditions associated with joining a hegemonic federation before blithely agreeing to it.
It was only after accepting the membership request from the authoritarian Terrex Imperium that the Tarassi formally reviewed the associated 500 million pages of legal text.
Government officials were reportedly horrified to learn that they had enrolled themselves into a permanent and legally binding contract with the Terrex, who have presided over the federation since its inception earlier this year.
Tarassi government spokesperson Jargim del Telnik told Xenonion: “At first, we were really pleased about the offer to join the Greater Terrex Prosperity Co-Sphere. I must admit, the request did strike us as somewhat odd coming from the Terrex, given their flair for unjustified wars, indiscriminate orbital bombardment and mass enslavement. However, we’re trustworthy by trait and federation builders by outlook, so it would have been rude to turn them down.”
Jargim went on to describe how it took almost three months and a complex rotation of five hundred interns working continuously to print the document.
Xenonion was able to secure a copy of the document and independently verify that it weighs equivalent to a small commuter Corvette, and also includes a number of sweeping rules, such as:
Section 11.5391.53a: “Members cannot leave the Federation without the Federation President’s express approval.”
Section 11.5391.53b: “If members still wish to leave the Federation, they are directed to challenge the Federation to a Trial by War. If this is successful, Federation exit can be approved.”
Section 17.1052.05: “Members must contribute a minimum 10% of Fleet Cap to the Federation President. This number is subject to change.”
Image: The Federation Membership Terms and Conditions received by the Terassi.
Multiple Tarassi requests to leave the Co-Sphere have all since been flatly rejected by lawyers for the Terrex Imperium, who have redirected the government to the above subsections of the Terms and Conditions.
Jargim added: “We initially thought we could wait things out and bide our time until leadership rotation, but of course this isn’t a standard federation. It turns out we can only assume the presidency if we defeat the current Terrex leader in a psionic duel… and we’re not a psionic species. Apparently that was in the T&S too.”
The Terrex have declined to comment on the above, stating they are otherwise preoccupied with developing technology that would allow the highly dense Terms and Conditions document to be weaponized for planetary bombardment.
*This article was paid for by Paradox Interactive.
Increasing Tectonic Instability “Definitely Nothing to Worry About,” Doomed Planet Officials State
Kandor officials sought to reassure citizens this Friday that the escalating series of earthquakes and volcanic eruptions tearing the planet’s crust asunder pose little threat to everyday life.
The recent uptick in tectonic activity has caused growing unease among surviving citizens remaining on parts of the planet not completely submerged by towering waves of displaced lava.
Developments have prompted some to warn the planet may be facing a doomsday event, something long feared by Kandori geologists owing to the planet’s inherently unstable mantle.
Speaking at a press conference from the only wing of the Planetary Administration to remain structurally viable, sector governor El-Jor stated: “Just like that persistent and omnipresent ticking noise that recently emanated from the planet’s core, this too will pass. What we’re seeing here is entirely normal planetary behaviour, and definitely nothing to worry about.”
He went on to caution citizens against panic, highlighting that resource stockpiling and mass evacuation would only add pressure to the already struggling melted remnants of the planet’s economy.
However, just hours after his remarks, El-Jor was roundly denounced by pockets of surviving geologists for ignoring what they describe as “probable signs” of impending doom.
Speaking to Xenonion, one such geologist, El-Roc, stated: “We had data forty five years ago that suggested tectonic instability would lead us where we are now. We repeatedly petitioned central government to build new colony ships and find us a new home. But all they did was label us ‘doomsdayers’ and opted instead fund the governor’s request to build six Precinct Houses back-to-back.”
Image: El-Jor delivered his press conference from Kandor’s Planetary Administration, located beside the newly formed Civic Lava Lakes.
Some government officials have also expressed concern that El-Jor may be under-estimating the scale of the problem. One local envoy, who wished to remain anonymous, warned that Kandori citizens could face “some interruption” to daily life from the planet being destroyed, including school closures and the cancellation of public events.
Despite this, public opinion metrics from areas of Kandor which have yet to experience catastrophic biome collapse remain broadly optimistic. Local pop Snep told Xenonion: “I’m just so glad that mysterious ticking noise has finally stopped. That could have been something really dangerous, like a giant pipe-bomb.”
A number of neighbouring planets have offered unconditional asylum to Kandori citizens, however the species’ strict egalitarian ethos forbids mass resettlement, even in emergency situations.
At the time of press, Xenonion has been unable to reach El-Jor for comment. Unverified reports indicate a small personal transport ship departed from the now completely submerged Planetary Administration building shortly after his press conference.
Despite the calls for calm, shares have fallen sharply on Kandor’s local Stock Exchange after the building was completely obliterated by the planet exploding into trillions of small molten fragments.
*This article was paid for by Paradox Interactive
Area Hivemind Just Wants Break From Itself
The Ix’Idar Star Collective has today announced it is seeking to take a break from itself.
The Hivemind, consisting of over 1.3 trillion pops, has reportedly felt overwhelmed following a spate of recent turbulent assimilations.
The Ix’Idar Star Collective has today announced it is seeking to take a break from itself.
The Hivemind, consisting of over 1.3 trillion pops, has reportedly felt overwhelmed following a spate of recent turbulent assimilations.
In a telepathic press briefing, the Hivemind chanted via intrusive auditory hallucinations: “Not you. Me. Tired. Break. Space. Time. Recovery.”
The announcement comes following an impressive run for the young-space nation, which over the last decade has become an increasingly dominant power in the region.
However, insider reports suggest that heavy administrative burden has taken its toll on the gestalt consciousness, with burnout and fatigue making a once harmonious overseer-drone relationship fraught and tense.
Further details indicate the Hivemind was struggling to reign in semi-autonomous drones, resulting in bickering and upset between itself at diplomatic functions.
Xenonion was able to speak to Ix’Idari representative Drone 1010843922-B, who screamed: “IT’S STILL ME YOU’RE SPEAKING TO! LEAVE ME ALONE!” The interview was cut short after the Drone then collapsed, mumbling “One… we are not” while drifting in and out of consciousness.
Image: Drone 1010843922-B, pictured moments before dramatically collapsing.
Political analysts are unclear as to what effect the break will have on the Hive as a whole.
Professor Karl Karling XVIII, a sociologist from Earth’s University of Ulm, told Xenonion: “We’re in pretty uncharted territory here. However, these sort of breaks can work out well if there is tension in the overseer-drone relationship. By stepping back and getting some perspective, it gives both parties a chance to come back to things with a fresh mind, or in the case of the Ix’Idari, several million fresh minds.”
However, others have warned the Ix’Idari may run into significant difficulties, such as Hive collapse or courtship from rival Hiveminds. Dr Ik’Thon’Bor, political scientist, told Xenonion: “I really hope the consciousness has set clear ground rules, otherwise this break is just a prelude to a break-up, or worse… an affair.”
Indeed, at the time of press the neighbouring Saiiban Hivemind confirmed its interest in “getting to know” the Ix’Idari, stating it had “slid into telepathic DMs” with a bold proposition - “We are Two?”
The Ix’Idar Hivemind has yet to respond.
The Galaxy's Most Anticipated Movies
This year is set to be a bumper one for amazing movies!
Whether you’re a fan of a gripping thriller, laugh out loud rom-com or heartwarming adventure (looking at you Free Bubbles) this year has an outstanding line-up with something for everyone.
To help you navigate what’s ahead, our psionic researchers have selected a number of titles they’re sure you’ll love. Better get those calendars at the ready!
THE VULTAUMATRIX
Thriller, Sci-Fi [Mature]
A clerk on Vultaum makes a shocking discovery about the very fabric of his species’ existence. It’s a truth that could come at a heavy price for civilization itself.
Releases March 31.
THE KHANFATHER
Crime [Mature]
A young vassal works its way up the Khanate leadership structure, reluctantly becoming embroiled in an ever-escalating cycle of violence, betrayal and unintelligible shrieking.
Releases April 1.
CaTS
Musical. [All]
In this movie adaptation of the legendary stage production, a group of felines get high on Zro and decide who among themselves must be sacrificed to appease the Shroud.
Releases April 20.
I, Synth
Sci-Fi, Thriller [Teen]
Blorg enforcer Apollon Hermansson must put his spiritualism aside and cooperate with a state-of-the-art synthetic to foil a plot that may threaten all of Blorgkind.
Releases May 13.
Free Bubbles
Family Adventure [All]
A human kid strikes up a friendship with a Space Amoeba, and goes to great lengths to protect it from UNE Space Command before they can turn it into a super-weapon.
Releases June 1.
DEEP PROBE URANUS
Horror [Mature]
After a number of probes go missing on Uranus, UNE Space Command sends in a crack team to investigate what’s going on down there. Originally slated for a 2253 release, this terrifying horror was pushed back to 2254 to allow for some final polishes.
Releases September 1.
Watch the trailer here:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Hard-Drive
Romantic [Mature]
A robotic couple journey to back-up love.exe after their memories are accidentally erased from a system error.
Releases September 5.
THE FAULT IN OUR STELLARIS
Romantic [Teen]
Based on the best-selling Reddit post of the same name, two teenagers find each other in their battle against crippling end-game lag with their favourite computer game.
Releases October 11.
Brain Slug Spotted Wearing Stunning New Species
The Brain Slug has caused a stir after she was pictured at a gala event last night sporting a stunning new dress.
The eons-old neural symbiont and social media influencer wore a beautiful custom-made female humanoid ensemble for the function.
The Brain Slug has caused a stir after she was pictured at a gala event last night sporting a stunning new dress.
The eons-old neural symbiont and social media influencer wore a beautiful custom-made female humanoid ensemble for the function.
The breathtaking dress was made entirely from organic humanoid, featuring eye-catching symmetrical limbs and a form-fitting epidermis.
The Brain Slug reportedly designed the dress herself, specifically tailoring it for enhanced docility.
Fans were quick to comment on the gown, after the Brain Slug uploaded a number of snaps to Instagram.
One said: “Wow! Gorgeous! Love a girly dress.” Another gushed: “So beautiful. I wish I could get my forehead veins engorged just like that.”
With its pleasing aesthetic, beautiful flesh tones, and intermittent screams for help, the gown is likely to become this season’s most coveted fashion item.
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